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Friday, May 13, 2022


Only: And no one or nothing more besides; solely.
No more than (implying that more was expected); merely.
MICE ELF: We hates the word "just".
ME: Hates it, we do. 
CP: I have a new one phor you: It's "only" a word. 
MICE ELF: What's to dislike about only?
CP: It's only just like just, only it's just a word. 
ME: Enigmatically unhelpful. 
MICE ELF: Just get to the point. 
CP: Here is yesterday's conversation:

Pt: I need to drop this off. 
CP: Are you going to wait or come back?
Pt: Well it's only 4 caps so I don't have to come back; I'll be around. 
CP: Good. Not sure what the "only 4 caps" has to do with your decision but I'll have it ready in 15 minutes regardless. 

ME: So your knickers are knotted because she used "only" as a synonym for "just" as a means to trivialise the job we have to perform?
MICE ELF: Your bloomers are bunched over "only" a word?
CP: Yes. 
ME & MICE ELF: Makes sense. 
CP: Counting to 4 capsules is not, has never been, and likely never will be the rate-limiting step in the equation that is philling your prescriptions. Phor people to diminish our job by use of the words "only" or "just" is phrustrating. 
ME: Well it is a perception that we fostered; or at least the big chains nurtured with their fast-food approach to a healthcare "profession".
MICE ELF: That's like saying that, in order to perform my oil change, the technician has to "only pull a plug". 
CP: Precisely. Don't minimise my job because you do not understand it.


Wednesday, May 11, 2022

Phone Trees

CP: Have I complained about how much I dislike e-scripts recently?
CPP: It's been a minute. What's not to like?
CP: The users of the software. The programmers too, but mostly the users. 
CPP: That's pretty broad. Narrow it down phor the good phollks at home. Phind Phocus Phor Phuck's Sake. 
CP: Phine. Specifically I wish to complain about the offices that are unreachable when there is an issue, and let's face it, there's always an issue with an e-script; the side effect of so many e-scripts and providers having multiple offices. 
CPP: Like the office we had yesterday. Called the only number on the e-script, the one attached also to the provider in our system, only to phind out he left the practice some time ago. 
CP: Let me guess, they had no idea where he went?
CPP: Yes. But it was the answering service and she knew he still worked in their quick clinic location. While she didn't have a number to provide, she could transfer me. 
CP: Sounds good but. . . ?
CPP: But I was on hold awaiting the transfer and <click>. 
CP: I hate that providers who have multiple offices are somehow able to put only the location of the e-script license as their primary place of prescribing. There was a provider I was trying to phind who worked at 11 different locations; the e-scripts only printed with the main office information. He was never practising at that location and they never knew where he was day to day. 
CPP: You'd think when the provider signed in he'd have to check which location he was working. We don't generate our faxes with the corporate headquarters phone and address on them; it's specific to our location. That's just stupid and a waste of time. 
CP: While I dislike that, and have given up on trying after one phone call attempt (the patient gets the next call and is in charge of playing "now where did my doctor go?") what I loathe more and more is phone trees. 
CPP: You mean because there's rarely the option phor pharmacists with questions about e-scripts?
CP: Yes. That and the confusion they create. 
CPP: How so?
CP: We receive an e-script from Dr. Zoffis. It shows her address and phone number. Period. I call the number only to hear the phollowing options:
If you are calling phor phamily medicine, please press "1"
If you are calling phor internal medicine, please press "2"
If you are calling phor OB/GYN, please press "3"
If you are calling phor Geriatrics, please press "4"
If you are calling phor Behavioural Health, press "5"
Phor Billing, press "6". 
To hear this message again, press "0"
And the message repeats; you are not transferred to a general mailbox or human phor guidance. 
CPP: We have no idea what department the provider is in. I mean we could guess but. . . 
CP: But then you make a choice and you're taken to voicemail instead of being given a list of providers. 
CPP: Just call each of the mailboxes and leave messages as if you're a lost child looking phor her mother. 
CP: <best child voice> Um, this is a pharmacy. I'm trying to phind a doctor. Are you my doctor? 
CPP: Ooh, an Are You My Mother book but phor pharmacists. 
CP: We need offices to offer lines/options specifically phor pharmacists. 
CPP: Nah. We can just keep calling until they get annoyed with us. Then they'll do something. 
CP: Which is why I call the patients to contact the offices. Set the angry patient on them. Not only did they mess up the prescription, but now they won't take our calls. Sic 'em, patient! Sic Balls!

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Too Much Stupid

CP: I'm tired of dealing with stupid. 
ME: <wearing shirt that reads "I'm With Stupid> Can't get away phrom it. 
MICE ELF: Hey now. 
CP: I meant phrom a work perspective. It's only gotten worse with each day. 
ME: What prompted this?
MICE ELF: We work with the public. AKA Stupid people. Individual dealings with individual people in controlled settings, not in the wilderness of public spaces, is acceptable but something happens to them in the wild frontier. 
ME: Continue. 
CP: Shots. Shots have made people dumber than I imagined possible. 
MICE ELF: Why don't you just segue into the vignette about it?
CP: Phine.
All Shot Seekers Today Are Causing Our Stress: I need to get my 4th shot; my booster. 
CP: Okay. Which shot did you want?
ASS TACOS: The Covid. 
CP: No shit? Huh. Threw me off with asking for the "4th shot". Was phairly certain you were going to tell me Jager. Which Covid shot?
ASS TACOS: The booster. 
CP: Phuck me. Didn't we go through this with the 3rd shot? Have you learned nothing? Moderna or Pfizer?
ASS TACOS: Moderma. 
CP: <sighs> Moderna it is. Have a seat and I will be with you forthwith. 
<CP walks out and continues sighing>
CP: Which arm would you prefer?
ASS TACOS: Oh <looks at each arm like one of them will suddenly sprout a little hand waving a little flag at me that says "me! me! pick me!"> I don't know. Does it matter?
CP: Not to me. It just has to be one of your arms; not phrom a passerby. 
ASS TACOS: Ok. I guess <keeps looking at them> I guess my Left cuz I'm right-handed. 
CP: Makes as much sense as anything else you could've said. I need to get right <points to the Shot Triangle on the arm> here, so if you could do whatever it takes to phree that patch of skin phor me, I'd appreciate it. 
ASS TACOS: If I hold it up like this, is that okay? 
CP: Not as okay as it would've been had you worn a short-sleeve shirt. This. Is. Your. FOURTH. SHOT! You haven't even had to to phorget the previous one like you do with your phlu shots. It was 4 months ago. How do you survive life at this point? 
ASS TACOS: <confused and a little creeped out> By getting my 4th shot?
CP: Well keep your fingers out of the way. My needle is long enough to go clean through your digits and still administer the shot. You'll just look a little weird walking out with your middle finger pegged to your shoulder. 
ASS TACOS: Think I'll need another shot?
CP: Sure. You'll need lots more. Hopefully, one of these times, you'll remember to dress accordingly, and to be ready by having your arm out when I walk out so as to not waste everyone's time. 

ME: Right? It would be different if this weren't the same process for the last year. This is the 4th shot in a year for people, 5th if you count their phlu shot, yet they act as if they've never been asked these questions.
MICE ELF:  Nor been told where I'm going to stick it.
CP: Maybe we should hang a sign:"If this isn't your first time, you know what to do". 
MICE ELF: I'd be afraid of what I'd walk out to. 
ME: Yeah, ME too. 
CP: Meh, they wouldn't read it anyway, much less comprehend it.



“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” 

George Carlin 


Friday, May 6, 2022

It's Up To YOU

Have A Little Fun While It's Talking: I wish to call in my refill. 
CP: You don't have to wish here. At CP's Drachm-a-Rama, we make all your wishes come true. 
HALF WIT: I was going to call in my refill. 
CP: You were? Okay, then what happened? This is good. I'm on the edge of my seat. 
HALF WIT: Nothing. Like, then you picked up. 
CP: You were going to call in your refill, then I picked up. Did that change your plans? It really should only have reinforced you were making correct life choices at that point. You need only say "I am calling in my refill" and our transaction can be considered completed.
HALF WIT: Then I am calling in my refill. 
CP: Glory be! What is your number?
HALF WIT: 8675309 
ME: Really? That's the best you could do?
MICE ELF: It was either that or 42. 
CP: <shhh!> Ok Madam HALF WIT, when did you want to come in phor it?
HALF WIT: Oh, I can come in phor it whenever it is ready.
CP: No shit. Coming in earlier than when it is ready would be a waste of time. Perhaps you meant to reply "I will wait for the text and make plans to pop by once that happens". 
HALF WIT: I'm not in a hurry. 
CP: Good to know. Well I put a 2-hr time on it so we will see you then, and not before. 
HALF WIT: But I just took my last dose. 
CP: And you don't need another until tomorrow. My 2-hr estimate will be more than satisfactory. 

Thursday, May 5, 2022


CP: CP's Draught Kings, How may I help you?
PT: Do you have any 12-hour Sudafed products?
CP: We do not. 
PT: Generic Claritin-D 12hr?
CP: They are on backorder; have been for over a month now. I can offer you some of the 4-hr as a consolation.
PT: Can I get a box of those?
CP: Sure thing. 
<finishes transaction>
PT: When do you expect to get more?
CP: I expect them tomorrow.
PT: Really?
CP: Yes. I expect them every day, only to be crushed anew by the lack of supply in the day's order. Like Penelope, I expect every day will bring that which has been lost to me. I fear 12-hr pseudoephedrine products will return in the same timeline as Odysseus. 
PT: I'm not up on my mythology. 
CP: Well you can read all about it in the time you spend waiting for 12-hour pseudoephedrine products to return to my shelves. 

Monday, April 25, 2022

Phaxes Phrom Pharmacies - A Debate

CP: Remember when offices used to write prescriptions phor patients at their office visits and the patients would bring those hard copies to the pharmacies to phill?
ME: Of course; it's where our story began. 
MICE ELF: Natch. 
CP: I realise times have changed and pine phor those days. 
ME: Pining phor the fjords?
MICE ELF: Not pining. Those days are dead. 
CP: And I miss them greatly. I dislike our new options so much but I was thinking the other day how, with the advancement of technology and e-scripts and online charts, etc, we seem to have regressed with side effects of all of these. 
ME: Side effects?
MICE ELF: Of e-scripts? 
ME & MICE ELF:  <sardonically> Say it ain't so!
CP: Prescribers have essentially broken themselves into two basic camps today: those who mandate the pharmacy request patient refills via phax/e-script, and those who mandate the patient request their own refills, not accepting contact via pharmacy. 
ME & MICE ELF: <nodding> uh-huh, and?
CP: And I ask which of these is actually better, or arguably worse, phor the patient?
ME: Prescribers who rely on the pharmacy!
MICE ELF: Prescribers who rely on the patient!
CP: If I send the requests, I know the dates and times I electronically submitted my request(s). I can explain to the patient the office is ignoring me and set the upset patient on the office. "Sic 'em! Sic balls, Chopper!"
ME: Nice. All it takes is a patient phoning in their refill for the system to automatically send the request. We aren't even involved. Easy. 
CP: And we can make an emergency script if needed showing how the office ignored us. 
MICE ELF: But I think the patient should be responsible for their own medications. 
CP: Good point. We have argued that many times. My issue is how many offices are difficult to reach, even phor the pharmacies. Imagine how much trouble it is phor the patients. 
MICE ELF: They can wait on hold. Or they have e-chart access. 
CP: Easy to understand for those under 60yo, or those with smartphones and internet access. What about the situation where the patient has been ringing the office for 7 days and the prescriber hasn't sent in the Rx? What happens? Now the pharmacy has to make an emergency Rx with no record of how long the patient has actually been trying for a refill. The patient comes to us in a panic and they need our help. 
ME: Wouldn't prescribing rights help this?
CP: It would, but that's not the issue. If prescribers are going to require patients to contact the office for refills, they should be responsible about sending refills and contacting the patients in a reasonable time. 
As much as I loathe the "please contact your pharmacy phor refills", I do prefer it over offices that don't respond to their patients. 
MICE ELF: Well e-script requests get ignored often as well. 
ME: I didn't realise patients' requests were often delayed. 
CP: That's the problem. Neither of these is perfect; phar phrom it. Instead of accepting refills phrom only one source, perhaps they should accept requests phrom both. 
ME: Do you know how many offices will hate that? Conjugal Visits w/Satan notoriously is responsible for inundating offices with multiple requests phor the same patients, same medications, and even old, discontinued meds. 
MICE ELF: How about we go old school?
CP: Either in person at the visit or via MyChart? Covers all ages.
ME: No calls, no phaxes, no responsibility on our part. 
MICE ELF: But I have to have these or I'll die. 
CP: Should've asked at the last visit or learned to use that iPhone your grandkids got you for Christmas. 
ME: Ouch. 
Which of the phollowing is more annoying:
1. Offices that require pharmacies to submit all patient refill requests?
2. Offices that require patients to call phor their own refill requests (and phorget to actually send them)?

Thursday, April 21, 2022

Special Trip

CP: What do you pack phor a special trip?
CPP: I suppose that depends on the definition of "special".
CP: I suppose it does. Does a trip to the pharmacy qualify as "special"?
CPP: No. I'm thinking of ones where you pack a little suitcase for a weekend away or where you get all gussied up. Why?
CP: The number of people who complain about "not wanting to make a special trip" to the pharmacy. 
CPP: Ah. Let's hear it. 

Lady At Pickup Is Sulking: Picking up. 
CP: Joy. Name?
LAPIS: Lazuli. 
CP: Ah. That is arriving in our order today. 
LAPIS: I know. 
CP: Uh-huh. Says we called you yesterday and told you it'd be here after 13:13. 
LAPIS: Uh-huh. 
CP: Yet here you are at 9:03am. It's mathematically and physically not here yet.
LAPIS: "Well I'm not making a special trip for it."
CP: Well you don't have to get all dressed up to come back. The Walmart pajama attirewill be just as fine when you return as it is now. Nothing special about it. In fact, had you checked a clock before you left, you really needn't've made this trip in the first place. I'd call this the special trip, honestly. 
LAPIS: Harrumph. 

CPP: She actually "harrumphed"?
CP: She did. 
CPP: I'm guessing there's another story?
CP: Same store; same day. 

Please Allow Ninety Days Always: Picking up. 
CP: It appears I have 5 medications ready phor you. 
PANDA: I should have more. 
CP: I see a couple that are in my queue for 97 minutes phrom now. I've not yet gotten to them as it's still <checks watch> 97 minutes away. 
PANDA: Are they all for 90 days?
CP: Some are. Others are not. 
PANDA: "We live over an hour away and I don't like making special trips here."
CP: With an hour drive to visit your pharmacy, I find it difficult to believe that EACH trip here isn't special. In the phuture, I'd check my watch to verify the promise time and, maybe, just maybe, call ahead to make sure everything is filled today. I see some things phor you aren't due until 1, 3, 6, and 9 days phrom now. You could really cut down on these special trips. 
PANDA: But we like coming here. 
CP: Then make sure your provider writes for 90 days at a time since he didn't do that on the last round. While I appreciate you visiting us, you can't tell me you love me on in one breath while complaining about the inconvenience in the next. 

Monday, April 18, 2022

Ok. Sure. Thanks Phor The Warning?

CP: Good Morning. CP's Draughts and Drachms. How will you make me crazy today?
Lady: Yeah. I just called. 
CP: No you didn't.
Lady: I did. 
CP: Called what?
Lady: Called you. 
CP: No you didn't. 
Lady: I most certainly did. 
CP: Didn't.
Lady: Did. 
CP: Why?
Lady: To get a refill. 
CP: Ok. But you didn't talk to me. 
Lady: Right. 
CP: Ok. What do you need this time?
Lady: I just called in my refills and that machine lady told me it would be ready at 13:13. I 'll be there at noon. 
CP: Ok. We will see you at noon. Your prescription still won't be ready until 13:13, but I appreciate you coming early to check out our work. Are you bringing cookies?
Lady: What? No. I want my prescription when I get there; not when it's ready.
CP: Then come later, when it's ready then it'll be ready when you get here. 
Lady: Listen. I have had just about enough of this. 
CP: But you're not completely full up on me yet? I suppose there is always room for Jello. 
Lady: What ever are you on about now?
CP: See ya when I see ya. 
Lady: My Rx had better be ready when I get there. 
CP: Then I suggest you coordinate your schedule accordingly. Tschuss. 


Monday, March 28, 2022

Do Not Self-Edit II

CP: I really didn't think I'd make a sequel to this post, well, ever, let alone a week later, but here we are. 
ME: Just when you think you've heard everything. 
MICE ELF: I heard a rumour. . . 
ME: Phunny, Allison. 
MICE ELF: Sorry. As you were venting?
CP: It's not a lack of the ability to read; it's not a lack of comprehension per se, so what is it?
ME: What is what, boss?
MICE ELF: Is it a duck?
ME: I think MICE ELF needs a vacation. 
CP: Agreed. You know how we've had patients not be able to read their refills on their bottles?
ME: As when they say "but my bottle says 3 refills"! and we try to lead them to finishing the line with "UNTIL. . . ?" 
MICE ELF: And they keep repeating "3 refills"?
ME: You can give a person an education but you can't make them think.
CP: Precisely. This was a first and I had no words. 
ME: Do tell. 

CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms. How may I help you?
Bad Readers Unite Here: I need to know if I can double my medication to catch up. 
CP: Ordinarily, in most cases, I'm going to say not. But I want to hear the rest of this story. 
BRUH: I missed half of my doses for the last 4 days. 
CP: Bruh! What the hell? Sorry. Explain yourself. Did you forget? Leave them at home? Stolen by chipmunks?
BRUH: I didn't know I was supposed to take them. 
CP: Uh-huh. When we asked if you had any questions, you said. . . ?
BRUH: Nah. I'm good. It's on the label. 
CP: Uh-huh. And then what happened? 
BRUH: I read the label and it said "'Take 2 tablets by mouth' . . . and that's where I quit reading". 
CP: Quit. . . Reading. . . Uh-huh. So you missed the part where it said ". . . twice a day", I take it?
BRUH: Uh-yup. So can I take like a 5th or 6th one for the next couple days to catch up? 
CP: Can we go back to you only reading half of the directions? There were 8 words on that label and you stopped reading after the first 5. That's either some serious ADD or awful impatience. You probably stop the microwave with 0:01 left too. When cooking, do you make it past the part where the recipe says "preheat oven to 350"? 

MICE ELF: There are no words. 
ME: Oh, there are words; he's just not reading them.

Friday, March 25, 2022

Never Prepared

CP: I'm either over-prepared or under-stupid. 
CPP: I think you're just stupid enough. 
CP: Haha. Tessalon Taker.* Seriously, though. Many of the people we see on the daily make me question
my every social interaction. 
CPP: First example?

Medicare Insurance Lady Doesn't Envisage Why: I need to fill these prescriptions. 
CP: What a joy! Please allow me to phacilitate the philling of these phine medications. 
MILDEW: I shall wait for them. 
CP: While you're waiting, could I trouble you phor your insurance card?
MILDEW: It's in the system. 
CP: Indeed it is. However, it is telling me I need your Medicare Part B card. Might you possess it presently?
MILDEW: "I don't know. Nobody's ever asked me for it before."
CP: I think whether or not someone has asked you phor it before is immaterial to our present situation. I asked if you had it. It's either "yes" or "no". Nobody's asked me phor my car insurance or my Junior Zookeeper of the Month Card, but I know I have both of them in my wallet at all times, just in case. Here. <shows Zookeeper card>
MILDEW: You are a strange human. 
CP: Thanks. I also have a picture of the star I adopted. 

CPP: Did she have her card?
CP: She did. Still not sure why she responded as she did. It's as if I asked her opinion on whether she enjoyed the company of snails or axolotls. At least there she could have responded with "I don't know. I've never been asked or thought about it before". 
CPP: What's your next issue?

Automatic Information Download Isn't A Thing?: I'm here for my prescriptions. 
CP: Here you go. I just need to verify your information. What we have on phile does not match what the prescriber sent over on your e-script. 
AIDIAT: That's not correct. You don't have my right address. 
CP: Again, that's why we are checking. 
AIDIAT: I haven't lived there in years. 
CP: And whose phault is that? If no one tells us, we don't know to update every time you move. 
AIDIAT: That's like 3 places ago. 
CP: Again, we don't have a tracker on you. I'm just trying to update your information so it's correct. If you could just stay with me phor a few more seconds I can verify everything is current. 
AIDIAT: And my phone number is wrong. 
CP: Okay. I need you to step away phor a minute or two, collect your thoughts, and reapproach when you are capable of answering the questions I ask of you. 

CPP: Did you phix his profile? 
CP: Of course. And guess what?
CPP: What? 
CP: The information sent over on the e-script was also incorrect. 
CPP: Think we should tell him?
CP: Nah. Let's let the office get the same enjoyment we did phrom their oversight of not knowing he moved and changed numbers. 
CPP: There should be a way phor people to communicate that to the businesses they patronize. 
CP: Yeah, like, telling them or something. 
CPP: Or something apparently. 

*What's the diagnosis for taking Tessalon?
Phuh Cough.

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Maybe It's A You Problem

CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms, Is this I Can't Always Remember Usual Stuff? 
ICARUS: It is. 
CP: I am calling today to let you know that your courtesy refill is due this week and we have to order enough to fulfill your insurance's new requirement to fill a 90 days supply. It will be in tomorrow. 
ICARUS: I have plenty because you guys always fill them a few weeks early anyway. 
CP: A few weeks early? 
CP: On a 30 days supply? 
CP: Hmm. Sounds implausible. May I put phorth a second theory phor why you have an excess?
ICARUS: Yeah. You keep filling them too early. 
CP: Hunh. We phill your refills based on the dates when you actually pick up your medication phrom us. I proffer, now hear me out, that maybe, just maybe, potentially, you are not so compliant; missing doses, skipping doses, giving doses the cold shoulder. It's a theory. We could test it. 
ICARUS: Yeah. You fill them too soon and call me to come pick them up, which I have to do so you'll stop calling me. 
CP: Yes, it could be that, or, again, hear me out on this: we have filled these roughly every 37 days since Halloween. You've been picking them up about 3-7 days later, on average. This means you should have been out of medication long before you received them. Therefore, your stockpile is of your own making. I rest my case.
ICARUS: Your honour! May I rebut? 
CPP: You may not. The math checks out and you could not be more of a but so to rebut would be redundant. Case dismissed. 

CPP: Now do the lady with the 90 days supply.
CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms. Is this Can't Remember Any Way Drugs Are Dosed? 
CRAWDAD: It is. 
CP: I was calling to let you know that your 90 days refill is due and is on order phor tomorrow. 
CRAWDAD: Oh I don't need it. You keep philling it too early. 
CP: According to my calculations, you are due in two days. 
CRAWDAD: Well I have about 80 left. 
CP: That's a pretty sizable estimate. Seeing as how we filled your previous prescription 87 days ago, you should have maybe a dose for today plus the next two days, not 80-odd doses remaining. 
CRAWDAD: It's cuz y'all keep filling them so damn early. 
CP: Ooooorrrrr, just maybe, you aren't taking them correctly? Maybe they changed your dose? Frequency? You were in hospital? Sabbatical? Hajj? 
CRAWDAD: Nope. I never miss a dose. I phill my pill packs every week.
CP: <whispers> yeah you phill them, but do you empty them? 
CRAWDAD: What's that?
CP: I agree. You're right. You never miss a dose. I shall wait to hear phrom you until we next phill your refills. 
CRAWDAD: <sounding sceptical> Why the attitude change?
CP: Oh. I realised you were correct; you never miss A dose. You miss A LOT of doses. Therefore, since we can't predict when you will need a refill again, we are leaving your healthcare up to you. Good day!

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

Do Not Edit

CP: Have you heard of selective reading?
CPP: I'm going to guess it's what's people do on the internet when "researching"?
CP: Yes. But along with that, they only provide you details they deem essential. 
CPP: Exactly like "researching it for themselves" on the internet. 
CP: Precisely. 
CPP: In what context are you raising this query?
CP: Remember last week when we discussed patients providing us superfluous information when requesting refills or prescriptions or just talking to us?
CPP: Yes. 
CP: Today we have the people who don't provide enough information, or rather, self-edited information. 
CPP: Do tell. 

CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms, how may I help you?
Please Read All Your Words On There: We are going out of town. 
CP: We are? 
PRAY WOT: My husband and I. 
CP: Good on you, love. Am I needed for this conversation? Is my bit coming round soon?
PRAY WOT: He has enough calcium to last until the day we come back and we don't want to run out while we are gone. 
CP: <knowing full well she means Atorvastatin> Well your insurance will pay for your refills a few weeks early since you last filled a 90 days supply. We can fill that today for you if you like. 
PRAY WOT: Oh really? I know it's just calcium but I don't want him to miss it.
CP: Do you have the bottle at hand? 
PRAY WOT: I do. I know it's not important.
CP: Stay with me here. What is the rest of the drug name?
PRAY WOT: I see calcium. 
CP: Do you also see Atorvastatin?
CP: That means it's his Lipitor; it's for his cholesterol. This makes it a little more important. 
PRAY WOT: Oh. I looked at the label and I only saw the calcium part of it. 
CP: Make sure when you read names, especially names of medications, that you read the entire name. You don't get to choose which parts are important. It changes the meaning considerably. I know "calcium" is recognizable, but it's not the important part of the name here.
PRAY WOT: Gotcha. Thank you. 

CPP: That's like reading only parts of a number; like the cents on a check and omitting the dollars. 
CP: Or giving directions to "Carolina", "Dakota", "Diego", "Los", etc.
CPP: I had this same conversation last night. 
CP: No way!
CPP: Way!
CP: Dude!
CPP: Sweet!
CP: Do tell. 
CPP: Patient said she was only allowed to take her blood pressure medication before her surgery. I looked at her chart and told her it was the Losartan. She asked about the Calcium. I told her Atorvastatin was not for blood pressure and she said "I thought it was when I saw the calcium". I explained that no, ATORVASTATIN was her cholesterol medication and she replied "I guess that makes sense because of the calcium in it". 
CP: It's a-TOR-VA-statin. The calcium don't enter into it. 
CPP: It's bleeding demised. 

Monday, March 7, 2022

Smells Like. . . Diuresis

BP is high, you think you'll die
there are some drugs that you can try
fluid volume may be a lot
diuretics are worth a shot 
how low, how low, how low, to go 
how low, how low, how low, to go 
It's Aldactone, spironolactone
there's hygroton, chlorthalidone
thiazide drugs, these include both 
hydrochloro- and the chloro-
furosemide, bumetanide, ethacrynate, and torsemide
loop, hey!
Full up on salt, your fluid's much
Edema could be dangerous 
Heart failure, it's hard to breathe
diuretics can help relieve
how low, how low, how low to go 
how low, how low, how low to go 
It's Aldactone, spironolactone
there's hygroton, chlorthalidone
thiazide drugs, these include both 
hydrochloro- and the chloro-
furosemide, bumetanide, ethacrynate, and torsemide
loops, hey!
we have Lozol, indapamide, 
and Midamor, amiloride
metolazone, zaroxolyn, 
inspra which is epleronone
how low, how low, how low to go 
how low, how low, how low to go
It's Aldactone, spironolactone
there's hygroton, chlorthalidone
thiazide drugs, these include both 
hydrochloro- and the chloro-
furosemide, bumetanide, ethacrynate, and torsemide
loops, hey!
We have Loop ones, and thiazides, 
Potassium sparing ones too 
there are others but they don't rhyme
they're not major, just nevermind
like mannitol, like mannitol, like mannitol, like mannitol
and caffeine y'all, and caffeine y'all, and caffeine y'all, and caffeine y'all

Monday, February 28, 2022

Seeing Is Not Believing

<patient approacheth drop off window>
CP: Greetings. Are you dropping off today? 
Another Customer Exhibiting One's Failure Bout Appreciating Simple Signs: No. Picking up. 
CP: <looks up> Clearly. I shall help you down there. <points to pickup>
ACE OF BASS: Yeah. I saw the sign. 
CP: <looks up at Drop Off sign under which patient now stands> Did you though? Did it open up your eyes? When you saw the sign?
ACE OF BASS: Yes. I saw it. 
CP: But did you comprehend it? Life is demanding without understanding. 
ACE OF BASS: I saw the sign.
CP: No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong, but where do you belong?
ACE OF BASS: At pickup?
CP: Precisely. 
UT: How do you know so many song lyrics? 
CP: It's a gift. 
UT: Seriously though. Everything I say or patients say at work somehow leads you to a song lyric right off the top of your head. 
CP: I think in movie quotes and song lyrics. 
UT: No one is going to believe you had this conversation with someone and knew these lyrics. 
CP: That's why you're here; my witness. 
UT: Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.
CP: Nice.

Sunday, February 20, 2022

Not Your Messenger

CP: Thank you phor calling CP's Cellar of Physic. How may I assist thee?
Female Rapidly Using My Patience: Did my prescriber call in my refill yet?
CP: We are indeed in receipt of your medication. 120 tablets for 30 days. 
FRUMP: It's supposed to be 240 tablets. I take 2 tablets at a time. 
CP: They sent us 120 at 1 tablet per dose. Perhaps you should call them. 
FRUMP: I always take 2 tablets. I've been taking 2 tablets forever. 
CP: Apparently, your streak comes to an end today. If you're expecting something different, you should call. Maybe she is weaning you off the medication? Or making a change?
FRUMP: No. She didn't say anything to me. You need to get the correct prescription. 

Uber-Tech: Thoughts?
CP: Bets?
UT: Prescriber changed it?
CP: That's my guess. Let's call. 

Nurse On Phone Exasperated: Dr. Zoffis, How may I help you?
CP: CP phrom Cellar of Physic calling to verify an e-script I received phor a patient. 
NOPE: Sure. 
CP: It came across as "1 qid" but the patient states she was expecting it to be "2 qid" as she previously received. Did the prescriber change her dosing?
NOPE: Let me check <mumbles the notes as she reads> Yes. 
CP: Ok. That's what we thought. Can you call her and explain that to her? She's called thrice this morning and yelled at us that we aren't filling it correctly and somehow, we can't read it correctly or interpret it correctly and one should be two. 
UT: When two become one?
CP: "Come a little bit closer, baby, Get it on, get it on 'Cause tonight is the night when two become one."
NOPE: Huh. 
CP: Nothing. Can you call?
NOPE: Nope. She was notified 30 days ago at her appointment. 
CP: Well apparently it didn't sink in. Can you call her again so she stops harassing us?
NOPE: Phine. 

UT: Think it'll sink in this time?
CP: Nope. She won't be happy that two became one. 
UT: She'll probably still take two anyway.

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

This Is The Reason. . .

 . . . You Can't Just Write What You Want And The Pharmacist Won't Just Fill It

CP: How often have we said "If you're a prescriber and you don't know how to prescribe a medication, perhaps you shouldn't be prescribing it"?
CPP: in aeternum. I don't mind if they call for some help, but I also don't want to prescribe the medication for them.
CP: Yeah, we should get a consulting fee on some of these. I do appreciate them leveraging us but choosing the medication and telling them how to write it is a bit much. 
CPP: Especially when they send it to another pharmacy. Or completely ignore our advice.
CP: Exactly. 
CPP: What spurred this topic today?
CP: A recent conversation with a prescriber and his nurse.

CP: Hello, Nurse!
Nurse Obviously Clueless Like U Expect: Hey, CP. Did you receive the e-script we sent?
CP: I did. Except there's a problem; the Oxycontin isn't available as 50mg. 
NO CLUE: It's not? Doctor wasn't sure. He stepped the patient up from 20mg to 40mg and wanted to go to 50mg now. 
CP: The next increase is 60mg. 
NO CLUE: Well he wants 50mg.
CP: The only way to achieve that would be to prescribe 40mg plus 10mg (or 20mg plus 30mg) but I'd advise against it. It will be quite difficult to get both strengths approved. Especially with how quickly he moved the patient from 20mg to 40mg, I'd go with 60mg. I have 10, 20, 30, 40, 60 in stock. 
NO CLUE:  How about 25mg? 
CP: No. The only ones they make I am missing are 15mg and 80mg.
NO CLUE: So there's no other way to get 50mg?
CP: I'm still recommending against it based on the patient's history but no, there is not.  
NO CLUE: Okay. I'll check with him. 
<1 hour later>
CP: So I see we received Rx's for 10mg and 40mg Oxycontin.
NO CLUE: That's what he wanted.
CP: Ok. Did you start the prior auth?
NO CLUE: Yes. 
<3 days later>
CP: So I see we received a new prescription for 60mg Oxycontin. 
NO CLUE:  Yeah. The 50mg just wasn't enough and it was confusing for the patient to remember to take one of each twice a day. 
CP: You don't say. Did you start the prior auth yet?
NO CLUE: This needs one too? I thought you said it wouldn't?
CP: If you had prescribed that first, it wouldn't have. Now that the patient has all kinds of tablets hanging around, the insurance needs an explanation. 
CPP: I like being asked how to make my job easier, then being ignored, then being provided the exact opposite then being forced to explain how to fix the problem I tried talking them out of making which makes more work for me because I have time to fix mistakes I preemptively fixed in the first place. 
CP: You can give a man an education but you can't make him take it. 

Monday, February 7, 2022

It Seems So Obvious, But. . .

ME: Hey CP, what's our topic today?
CP: Same topic we have every night, Pinky. Stupidity. 
MICE ELF: Egad Brain! Sounds incredible.
ME: Okay. But what specifically? What differentiates today's stupid? What sets is apart?
CP: Drug ads on TV and how, if you ask "how stupid can people be" long enough, eventually someone will fall forward and declare himself your champion. 
MICE ELF: What about the drug ads troubles you?
CP: Besides the fact they exist? I specifically phind phault with the legally required line "do not take this medication if you are allergic to this medication". 
ME: Sounds okay to me. 
MICE ELF: Yeah. Makes sense. 
CP: Except it's a brand new medication; being advertised as a new drug. How can you know if you're allergic if you've never taken it before?
ME: That'd be like saying you're allergic to foods or detergents or people and having never been introduced to them. 
MICE ELF: Exactly. You can't know you're allergic to bees until after you get stung. 
CP: It's just really stupid to watch these commercials in the first place then to be subjected to "don't take if allergic to it" makes it more insulting. It makes me wonder who out there is really thinking "I want to take this. I'm not sure if I'm allergic. How do I know? I know! I'll call my pharmacist and ask her if I'm allergic. She should have all my allergies on file. I bet this new drug that is like nothing else will be on my list and if it's not, I can yell at her for not knowing. I haven't yelled at anyone at the pharmacy today. I've just been watching Olympics all day while she is slapping labels on stuff. She'll be happy to hear from me 5 minutes before close."
ME: Yo. Bring it back. 
MICE ELF: How does this connect to a real world situation?
ME: Yeah. You were saying?
CP: Right. Besides that, I had this conversation last week.

CP: Make sure you do not take this medication with any Ibuprofen.
I Doubt It's Obviously That: Oh. I can't take Ibuprofen anyway.
CP: Why not?
IDIOT: I'm allergic.
CP: Oh? What happens?
IDIOT: I don't know. 
CP: What? Why?
IDIOT: I never took them.
CP: Then how are you allergic?
IDIOT: I don't know. 

ME: And now he's going to be allergic to all the drugs on TV. 
MICE ELF: Probably not all of them. He'll just randomly select a few.
CP: But he'll give one list to his prescribers and a different list to us.

Monday, January 31, 2022

I Don't Wanna Hold Your Hand II

CPP: I enjoyed yesterday's post. 
CP: It's amazing how much hand holding we have to do today. 
CPP: I have one phor you. 
CP: Let's have it. 
CPP: You know how we know people who don't understand checking accounts?
CP: Like the one woman who believed, as long as she had checks in the checkbook, she could keep writing checks, regardless of if there actually was money in the account?
CPP: Yes. You'll enjoy this one. 

Dependent On Insulin: Why am I out of insulin?
CPP: You used it all. 
DOI: But I still have tips left. 
CPP: Okay. The tips are used to administer the insulin. They are the tube that gets it from the insulin pen into your skin. 
DOI: That's not how it works. 
CPP: Yes. It most certainly is. 
DOI: No. The insulin is in the tip. It's always been in the tip. 
CPP: Then why do you keep the insulin box in the fridge and the box of tips on the counter?
DOI: I use the PODS now. 
CPP: Okay. The PODS. You mean the ones that you inject your insulin into prior to sticking the PODS on your skin?
DOI: Yes. 
CPP: Okay. Depending on how much insulin you calculate you need, PODS and the insulin may not finish together. 
CP: Just like most couples. 
CPP: <shh>
DOI: I still have PODS left but no insulin! You shorted me somewhere. Where is my insulin?
CPP: In the box. If you've been using insulin pens this many years, and now switched to the PODS, how did you think the insulin was in the pen tips and not the box labeled insulin?
DOI: That's the part that goes into my skin. The pen doesn't go into my skin. 
CPP: The ink of a pen is not in the tip either. It is literally "just the tip". 
DOI: That makes no sense.

CP: I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it phor you. 
CPP: That's like explaining how a straw works. 
CP: Yeah. The glass is just there for visual aesthetics. The milkshake is in the straw.

I Don't Wanna Hold Your Hand

Upcoming Pharmacy Student: School is hard. 
CP: But worth it. 
UPS (Pronounced OOPS): What's harder?
CP: Adulting. 
UPS: I can only imagine. 
CP: Can you order a pizza? 
UPS: Pshaw. Duh. 
CP: Can you pick it up?
UPS: Natch. 
CP: Can you brush your teeth and make yourself study and pay your bills and set an alarm to get to class and work on time? 
UPS: Uh-huh. Why the interrogation? 
CP: Adulting is hard. 
UPS: How do you mean?
CP: I've been at this a while and I don't believe I have had to hold patients' hands to the extent now required of me. 
CPP: This is where CP pulls out a vignette, a tale phrom recent history to show you how this relates. A little Aesop-esque without the phulphilling phable phinish. 
UPS: Oh. A lesson.
CP: I'll take it phrom here. 
Rude Ass Bitch Is Demeaning: I need my medications. 
CP: Doesn't everybody? 
RABID: I'm more important. 
CP: Of course you are. They are out for delivery. 
RABID: They were supposed to be here yesterday. 
CP: There was this huge storm? Maybe you heard about it on the news? Or felt it in the air? Or saw it with your eyes as you passed a window?
RABID: Yeah? So?
CP: So we couldn't deliver anything yesterday. In fact, we only had half staff to phill prescriptions yesterday as well. 
RABID: I need my stuff. 
CP: We have been trying to catch up on yesterday's deliveries as well as making today's. Our drivers have the deliveries, it's just taking them longer. They will be there. 
RABID: That's not my problem. 
CP: It appears that it is. Our drivers can only deliver as quickly as the roads allow them. 
RABID: I need my medications. 
CP: So does everyone else. Despite what your momma told you, you're not special. You're unique, just like everyone else though. If you'd like to help, you are always welcome to receive your prescriptions the old fashioned way. 
RABID: How's that? 
CP: Drive to the pharmacy and pick them up yourself. 
RABID: I can't drive. The roads are too bad. 

CPP: I remember the good old days. Back in the late teens. 
UPS: 19-teens?
CPP: Smart ass. Twenty-teens. Way back then, there was no curbside service and limited delivery. People had to get in their cars and drive to leave their houses. They had to forage the aisles and restaurants for their own groceries and meals. 
UPS: The horror. The horror!
CP: Now they can request grocery deliveries, meal deliveries, and pet food and prescription deliveries from their couches. With all of life's current conveniences, the only thing they can't get delivered is something to complain about. 
CPP: So they call everyone to bitch their conveniences aren't convenient enough. 
UPS: She really bitched that much? 
CP: She called every 42 minutes for nearly 7 hours until, we assume, she either received her delivery, her phone died because no one was available to plug it in phor her, or she died. 
CPP: Either way, everyone was satisfied. 

Stupid Is. . .

CPP What's one of our favourite sayings about people?
CPP: Never ask "How dumb can people be? They'll take it as a challenge". 
CP: Right.  
CPP: Why do you ask? 
CP: I have a new loathing for insurance companies. 
CPP: Do we need another reason to abhor, detest, execrate, despise them?
CP: Very vehemently vilified, verily. And yes. Yes we do. 
CPP: What did they do now?
CP: Ask us to commit insurance fraud. 
CPP: The insurance company?
CP: Yes. 
CPP: ASKED us to commit insurance fraud?
CP: Yes. 
CPP: However did this take place? 

CP: CP's Paradise where we'll do anything phor prescriptions but we won't do that. How may I help you?
Actively Seeking Insurance Fraud: I have a mutual patient of ours on the line who would like to get credit for his prescription. 
CP: You don't have to say "of ours". 
AS IF: What?
CP: You don't have to say "of ours" as in "mutual patient OF OURS". That's redundant. Like 6am in the morning. 
AS IF: Um. He'd like credit on his prescription. 
CP: Ok. Which involves what on my end?
AS IF: We need you to rerun his claim. It wasn't covered and he paid cash for it. We have since approved the claim so you need to reverse it and run it for a paid claim. 
CP: That all sounds like a good plan. When did he pay cash?
AS IF: Last Friday.
CP: Uh-huh. And when did you approve the prior authorisation? 
AS IF: Today. 
CP: Today being Thursday, 6 days later?
AS IF: Correct. 
CP: And, just to satisfy my own curiosity and perform my own due diligence, did you happen to backdate the claim to last Friday? The day he actually received the medication?
AS IF: No. 
CP: I see. Can you do that?
AS IF: No. The prior auth was approved today. 
CP: But you're the insurance company. You're supposed to do insurance-y things. I only do pharmacy-y things on my end. 
AS IF: No. We just need you to reverse it and rebill it so he can get a refund. 
CP: I cannot. I filled it on Friday. Today is Thursday. 
AS IF: You could change the date to today?
CP: I CAN!!!!???? Wow. Why didn't I think of that first!?
AS IF: I know. It's pretty easy. Happy to help.
CP: Except that's insurance fraud which legal people define as: "... any duplicitous act performed with the intent to obtain an improper payment from an insurer." You're asking me to change a fill date to satisfy your obligation to your patient. Since you, the insurance, wrote the contract, and determined this medication needed prior auth and have the power you granted yourself to change the fill date (called backdating), would it not be in your patient's best interest to do all of this yourself? And then, maybe, cut your own beneficiary a check directly from your own company? I'm sure the patient would appreciate this approach without unnecessarily involving other parties who, let's face it, don't really need to be part of addressing the problem you created. In fact, I don't think you need me anymore. I can give you the phone number to the patient's insurance for you to call for help if you like.
AS IF: No. I think I have it. 
CP: Good. Hope it works. If not, it's on the back of the patient's card. Good luck and go fraud yourself!

CPP: Damn. 
CP: Right? They wanted me to go fraud myself! 
CPP: To which you said Fraud That!
CP: Fraud off!
CPP: That's enough. People will question our sanity. 

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Relax, Don't Do It

ME: People need to learn self-control. 
MICE ELF: Like people taking too many selfies? 
ME: Or finishing off the cheesecake?
MICE ELF: Shut it. 
CP: How about NOT calling the pharmacy?
ME: Like ever? 
CP: It would be a good start. I mentioned the other week about how we need to limit the number of calls a person's phone can make to a business; or how many our phone can accept from a number. 
MICE ELF: Like The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
CP: Sure. If the Phable Phits, Pharmacise it. 
ME: Enlighten us with your real world example, O Wise One. 
MICE ELF: Cuz we both know you have one. 
ME: You are never short on stories. 
MICE ELF: Short . . . stories?  
ME: <shrugs>

CP: Once upon a midnight dreary. 
CPP: It was day. 
CP: Phine. Day. 
Uber-Tech: CP's Paradise Lost Pharmacy, How may I help you?
Overly Harassing Everyone Like Literally No One's Safe: When will my medication be delivered? 
UT: Later today. Sometime between noon and 6pm.  
O HELL NO's: Can you be more specific?
UT: No.
<1 hr later>
Poor Intern: CP's Lost Paradise Pill Parade. How may I help you?
O HELL NO's: I need my medication. When will it be delivered?
PI: Still sometime between noon and 6pm.
O HELL NO's: Can you do better than that? 
PI: 3:14. 
O HELL NO's: Really?
PI: No. But it could be, seeing as how that is between noon and 6pm. We are short a driver and the storms have backed us up this week.
O HELL NO's: Well that's not my phault. 
PI: Whose fault? Whose but his own?

CPP: CP's Lost. May I help you?
O HELL NO's: When will my prescriptions be delivered?
CPP: Later. 
O HELL NO's: How much later?
CPP: Well my tech told you between noon and 6pm as did my Intern. I'm going to have to reiterate what they said. 
O HELL NO's: Not good enough!

<More Latererer>
CP: CP's <checks caller ID> Hell, How may I help you?
O HELL NO's: When will you deliver?
CP: We cannot provide exact times. 
O HELL NO's: Well I need it. 
CP: You don't want it? You just need it? To breathe, to feel, to know you're alive?
O HELL NO's: Yes!
CP: You could just <plays triangle> COME AND GET IT! 
O HELL NO's: It's snowing! I can't come out in this!
CP: Think of my drivers. Now I need you to stop harassing us.  
O HELL NO's: I'm not! I need my medication!
CP: Let me ask you this: Do you use the online tracking for FedEx, UPS, or the USPS? 
O HELL NO's: Yes!
CP: What does the tracking show?
O HELL NO's: Where it was last scanned. 
CP: Anything else? 
O HELL NO's: No. 
CP: Your prescription was last scanned here. It's on a truck, en route to your house. Once your Amazon package is on the truck do you call the shipper to ask for an exact delivery time? Do you call the warehouse every hour to harass them? All they did was ship it. Once it leaves the facility the shipper has no control over the route or time to destination. Stop. Calling. Us! 
O HELL NO's: Well this is ridiculous. 
CP: I could not agree more. Imagine the work all of us could have completed if you had listened to us the first time and NOT called us repeatedly. Sometimes, NOT calling is the best solution, like alcohol.
O HELL NO's: You are going to hell.
CP: “Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven.”


Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Delivery That Doesn't Deliver

ME: Name one business practice that pharmacy adopted that revolutionized the profession. 
MICE ELF: Drive-thru. 
ME, MICE ELF, and I: lololololololololol
ME: Seriously. 
MICE ELF: Delivery. 
CP: You would think that. Until you offer it. 
MICE ELF: How do you mean? 
CP: Instead of fixing a number of issues with patients, it creates its own subset. It even makes others worse. 
ME: Well they can't be about compliance. 
MICE ELF: Sure they can. "Stop sending this to me! I have too much already."
CP: Or the driver is on the porch, banging on the door, shouting, whilst calling the patient's phone and finally leaves. Later, the patient calls and says "I don't answer my phone. I don't know who's banging on my door. They should've knocked louder." 
ME: When the message in the patient's profile says "bang loudly on door as patient is deaf and/or playing video games in the basement".
MICE ELF: It's also not as if we didn't call before we left to warn her we would be there between 1pm and 3pm. 
CP: Just today. We texted a patient to let him know our driver had left with his medication. We told him he could expect it within two hours. His response?
CP: "Do not expect me to be here, I'm not waiting around 2 hours."
ME: To which you replied?
CP: "Guess you'll have to pick them up while you're out and about. Sorry for the CONVENIENCE!" If you can be there for the cable guy, your DoorDash, or anything else that comes to. your. front. door, you can be there for your drugs. 
ME: Or the curbside recently. 
MICE ELF: Sorry. We only have two people here right now. Half our store is out with COVID and our phones are ringing off the hook. We will be out shortly. 
CP: Yeah. She waited in front of our doors, staring at us for 4 minutes, gesticulating wildly. Finally, she stepped out of her car, parked askew on the sidewalk even, slammed her door, stomped into our store and complained about the inconvenience of being 20 feet away yet powerless to get her own medication. 
ME: You got legs? Use them! 
CP: But the delivery people remain the worst. You don't even have to get out of bed to have groceries, meals, medications, weed, alcohol, TV, movies, entertainment delivered to your door yet they are somehow a burden on you; dare I say an inconvenience even? 
MICE ELF: Dare! Dare!
ME: Remember your post from about 7 or 8 years ago? 
MICE ELF: Yeah! The Phuture of Pharmacy! I still love that one. 
CP: I may have to repost soon to see how my predictions have aged. The only service we don't offer, currently, is having someone take your medications for you. Talk about being touchless contact. Maybe I'll update that for later this week. Until then, I guess we just learn all the secret knocks each patient requires as we attempt to place their medications directly into their hands and are met with inexplicable resistance. 

Friday, January 7, 2022

You're Not (More) Important

CP: Welcome and Good Morning to ya!
Throwing Wild Ass Tantrum: I need these filled. 
CP: Good on you. We like to fill things. 
TWAT: How long is the wait?
CP: Currently, the wait time in your area is 29 minutes. 
TWAT: I just left the dentist. I'm in pain!
CP: I just opened and we have many people already ahead of you for their prescriptions and shots. We are a very popular location with people with all sorts of needs these past couple years. 
TWAT: But I'm standing right here!
CP: And she's sitting over there, he's kneeling over there and, for some reason, she's squatting in the corner. You're saying standing > sitting > kneeling > squatting?
TWAT: But I'm in pain. 
CP: Aha. I just met you and, this is crazy, but do you want to go to Olive Garden or Outback with my this Friday, around 6pm, maybe?
CP: Well, every time I go out to eat on a Friday, to really popular casual dining locations around 6pm, I am always told the wait time is around 2 hours. I was hoping that your powers of persuasion and sense of entitlement might get me a seat faster. When they tell me it's 2 hours until I can eat, you can stomp your foot at them and shout "BUT I'M HUNGRY!" Since you think that works here, I figured I'd try to cash in on your abilities. 
TWAT: This is ridiculous. 
CP: Maybe if you ask all of the people ahead of you if they really need their medications right now, they may all let you go ahead of them. We could try that at the restaurant tonight too; "Hi, I believe you're not as hungry as I am. May I go ahead of all of you?". I'd love to actually watch that. What do you say?
TWAT: I'll be back. 
CP: See you in 31 minutes. 
TWAT: You told me 29 minutes!
CP: I did. But you wasted time and now more people have jumped the queue since you hesitated on handing me your prescriptions. . . for Motrin. You could just buy this OTC. 
TWAT: Nope. I'm not paying for this. 
CP: Definitely taking you to Outback.
ME: One of these days, someone will be nice to us. 
MICE ELF: Despite there being nearly 8 billion people on the planet, it amazes me how many believe they are more important than anyone else. 
CP: "I'm just a pharmacist, standing here, in phront of a patient, asking him not to be a douche."