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Tuesday, March 2, 2021

You Lost Me

CPP: What's new?
CP: Boss Lady came in to discuss a complaint she received about me.
CPP: How'd that go?
CP: She said I need to "not focus on the 1% of people who complain, but remember that 95% of people are good".
CPP: Where are the other 4%?
CP: No clue. But I told her that while only 1% may complain formally, to the point it reaches her desk, she doesn't have to deal with the dozens of people per day who verbally abuse us and complain vociferously to our faces.
CPP: We can't control that our companies have horrible images in the public eye; that they are viewed as evil. 
CP: It's to the point that cable and phone customer service used to be. Everyone knew they sucked; it was a constant joke. The employees couldn't help the company's public reputation. They had to deal with it. 
CPP: Exactly. Except no one is begging them to fix it. Why do I sense there is more to this story/
CP: Because I didn't exactly take this comment lying down. I literally called her a hypocrite. 
CPP: I need to know how you still have employment. 
CP: Here's the rest of the story:

Boss Lady Says Hilarious Things: We had a complaint about the drive-thru. 
CP: People like to stay in their cars. 
BLSHT: He said you told him Lane 1 was for COVID testing only. 
CP: True. It is. I wouldn't want to use that for general pickups for my family members. 
BLSHT: You can't do that anymore. 
CP: But the signs you brought to us months ago literally read: Lane 1-COVID testing only. All other services use Lane 2. 
BLSHT: I'll be taking that with me. 
CP: Riddle me this, Batman. If one, singular complaint over the previous 7 months of testing is resulting in this wholesale change of my workflow, can I hire more people?
BLSHT: No. Why?
CP: Because of the hundreds of complaints that we are too slow, too far behind, don't wait on people fast enough, never have anything ready, don't answer our phones, and never have anything ready when they want it. Hundreds of complaints and people yelling at us. I figured if we are going to change policy for one lazy bastard, we may as well make real change where it counts-for the literal hundreds of patients that hate us. 
BLSHT: That's not what I meant. 
CP: Bullshit. You're a hypocrite. You just finished telling me I should "not focus on the 1%" because the rest are good, wholesome folk. Then, when I ask why you changed my workflow for one bastard who cried like a bitch because he left the long line only to find himself in the COVID-only line you have the nerve to tell me his complaint matters more than the rest? What's the point of me reviewing my metrics and customer service scores if I can't change anything? I can't man enough windows to make people happy when you handcuff me with 3 employees. We can't answer all the phones and count prescriptions. I can print you 100 of these complaints from just the last two months. If 95 people complained we don't have enough staff, can I schedule more people since 1 person got you to change my workflow?
BLSHT: You're missing the point. 
CP: No. I see the point clearly. You are no longer allowed to come here and complain about what I do and how I run my store. I will schedule what I need and run it how I want. I am the one getting yelled at by patients and I'm done now. But you are still a hypocrite. You could give me more help. You could take my side when patients complain or ask what happened. You don't. You're not a pharmacist and if I walked out right now you wouldn't know what to do and you could deal with the yelling 1 percenters. 
CPP: How are you still here?
CP: She has no one better and she knows it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Everyone's Time Is Valuable

UT: Can I close the drive-thru? 
CP: No. We have 4 minutes till close. 
UT: <turns head> Now we have 2 cars. 
CP: Okay. As long as they are picking up, you can get to both in 4 minutes. 
UT: It's 7:00 and now there are 2 more cars after this one. 
CP: <walks over, pulls shade, closes drawer> Closed. 
UT: He's not going to be happy. 
CP: We close at 7:00. It's Saturday. What have you been doing all day that you couldn't get to the pharmacy until closing time? Bars have a last call. Restaurants have a final order time. 
UT: We're going to hear about this tomorrow.
CP: Yeah, but I bet he won't show up until after 2pm. 

<Sunday, 14:33>
Dude In Kia: I was in line last night and someone closed the blinds and the drive-thru. Is that how you treat all your customers?
CP: No. Just the ones who arrive after we close. If you had been sitting in our parking lot and waited until 7pm to walk up to our doors, you would have found them locked.
DIK: I was in line. 
CP: Other places with lines do not stay open until everyone has been served. Unfortunately, I do not employ a person who can run out with a sign and place it in front of the last car we are able to serve. I cannot stop people from getting in my line. I have to draw the line somewhere. I draw it at 7pm. 
DIK: There was another car behind me. 
CP: Precisely. If people see cars in line, they assume they can continue to join. People don't care they arrive after the posted closing time. They're selfish. Besides, McDonald's stops serving breakfast at 10:30am. 
DIK: Not if you're in line. 
CP: Yes. If you're in the line and arrive to the speaker after 10:30, they do not allow you to order breakfast. They, like me, don't necessarily know you are there, or when you arrived. Perhaps you should have gone inside instead. 
DIK: So you're comparing yourself to McDonald's?
CP: I have made the analogy before and people do like to compare us; and it looks as if you spend a lot of time in their, and others' drive-thrus so I figured you'd get the analogy. 
DIK: I didn't come here to get insulted. 
CP: And I didn't come to work last night to stay late. And you shouldn't have complained that we closed the pharmacy while you were in line. You shouldn't have waited until we closed to leave your house to pick up your medication that you so desperately needed. If your meds aren't a priority for you, they aren't for me either. If they were really important, you would have been first in line this morning, maybe even arriving before we opened; or at least arriving during any of our 11 other operating hours yesterday.
DIK: I'm transferring. 
CP: Don't flirt with me by making promises you can't keep <sniffles>. See you next time.


Monday, February 22, 2021


CP: What is the difference between an alternative and a substitute? 
CPP: A substitute is a replacement of like for like while an alternative is a second option?
CP: I'd be happy with that. Here's what my favourite dictionary had to say:
Alternative: (of one or more things) available as another possibility or choice. 
Substitute: A person or thing acting or serving in place of another. 
CPP: Seems right. Why the lexicological lesson?
CP: What about as it pertains to medications? Is there a difference? 
CPP: Yes. Why?
CP: This interaction with Dr. Zoffis:
CP: Dear Dr. Zoffis. The medication you prescribed, Doxyxycline 40mg, is not covered. The patient's insurance requires an alternative in order to pay. Please change the medication prescribed to an alternative. 
DZ: <no answer>
Patient Annoyed With Said Doctor: Why can't I get my medication?
CP: Your insurance won't pay for it. It's not on their formulary and they wish for an alternative. Your Dr. Zoffis hasn't replied to our faxes and telegrams yet so it may behoove you to ring them. 
PAWSD: <from pharmacy> My pharmacy won't fill my medication. They said you need to change it and they faxed you. 
<fax arrives> *
CP: I got it. 
PAWSD: They said they clearly indicated on the hard copy that you could substitute this if it's not covered. 
CP: I see that. I learned to read at an early age. Also, they were even nice enough to circle it in Sharpie. 
PAWSD: Then why didn't you substitute it?
CP: Therein lies the rub. I did substitute it, for the generic. However, an alternative therapy is not the same as a substitute therapy. I can substitute from brand to generic and vice versa, but I cannot select another drug or strength as an alternative. Your doctor can check all the boxes they wish, but until they select an alternative therapy for you, they are the ones holding up your therapy, not me.
CPP: I see. And how did Dr. Zoffis respond? 
CP: They switched it to 100mg. 
CPP: Let me guess, they didn't select hyclate or monohydrate or tabs vs caps and we had to call?
CP: Yes. That really made their day when I had to inform them it still wasn't correct and the two salts were, technically, alternatives not substitutes. 
CPP: Ass Baggins, a little?
CP: After their initial tirade, they deserved it, a little. 
*some of the timeline has been truncated because we all know offices don't work this way/quickly. 

Thursday, February 18, 2021

But That Would Be YOU!

CP: CP"s Nostrum Emporium. How may I help you?
Insurances Don't Ideate Obvious Things: I am trying to get my client her prescription. 
CP: Certainly. That is ideal because I too am in the business of helping my patients achieve their lofty goals of filling prescriptions. 
<whispers> Let's see who cares more. 
IDIOT:  What's that? 
CP: Nothing. Carry on. 
IDIOT: Her refill is too soon. Is there anything you can do for her?
CP: I can call the insurance company for an override but, um, aren't you the insurance?
IDIOT: Yes. We need to exhaust all avenues and determine if there is anything the pharmacy can do first. We'd have to call the plan itself for an override.
CP: Sure. I can tell you to allow the refill. Easy. She received a 30 days supply, as she has for the previous 3 years, and today is day 29. She is due. However, your reject is telling me she cannot receive it until 20 days from now. 
IDIOT: Well, she has been a couple days early each of the past few months. 
CP: Okay. So it's a "cumulative fill" reject, then? 
IDIOT: Yes. But she was in the hospital last night and really need this medication to monitor her disease state. 
CP: I know. She told me that. Which is why I would like to get her prescription in her hands. Can't you enter an override?
CP: Why Not?! You're the ones holding it up!
IDIOT: No. We are trying to make sure she has some. What can you do?
CP: No! No you're not trying to make sure she has some. YOU are the insurance. YOU are denying her refill, which is actually due, by 20 days. YOU are telling me I can't fill it. Yet YOU are also asking me to fix a problem you created, a problem only YOU can fix. 
IDIOT: Can you give her some?
CP: Can you pay me for them?
IDIOT: As we told the client, we are not denying this for a prior auth. It is a covered medication. 
CP: Yet you are not paying for her to test her blood sugar 5 times per day, as you have previously. You allowed 150 strips to be billed for 30 days, but you are making her test only 3 times per day. This necessitates a prior auth for frequency, NOT for the strips themselves. I can't believe I have to explain to YOU, the insurance company, how insurances work. 
IDIOT: Thank you for taking the time to politely explain to me how the system works. . . 
CP: Did it help get you to override the claim you are denying?
CP: Then your company is dumber than I thought. You have the power to deny the claim, which you did. You alone have the power to override and approve the claim. Until that happens, the patient's life is in your hands and I shall document your refusal. What was your name again?
IDIOT: That's not important right now. 
CP: At least you said this call is being recorded so I'll just track it down that way. 

UT: What's up? 
CP: Insurance is a big dumb.
UT: Let's see what I can do. <waves magic fingers over keyboard> Voila!
CP: Not going to ask. 
UT: Plausible deniability. But it's documented too. Called the prescriber and they are submitting a prior auth for the frequency. All good. 
CP: Can we do away with PBMs yet?

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Things You Can Say While Getting A Shot That You Can Also Say During Sex

COVID Edition
1.  Can you do me and my husband at the same time?
2.  Can I stay in the room while you do my wife/husband?
3.  Do you want me to tag you in this selfie?
4.  Mind if my phriend takes a video?
5.  It's going to hurt for a few days after. 
6.  We have to do this again in 3 to 4 weeks. 
7.  When I come back, can I make sure I get you to give it to me?
8.  Can I watch it go in?
9.  That was better than I thought it was going to be. 
10. I'm going to need you to take off your shirt. 
11. I didn't expect to get lucky today. If I had known, I would have worn a better bra. 
12. Relax. It'll hurt more if you're tense. 
13. I'll push it in slow so it doesn't hurt. 
14. It sure looked bigger than it felt. 
15. I need you to hang out for about 15 minutes before you go home so I can just watch you. 
16. Do you need an Uber?
17. Wait till next time. You're really going to feel it then. 
18. Next!

Friday, January 29, 2021


CP: Que Sera Sera
CPP: Is this a reflective moment? 
CP: No. More an exercise in value. 
CPP: How do you mean?
CP: As our society has become more disposable, more single-use minded, many things should not be considered instantly disposable. 
CPP: You were watching "The Repair Shop" again, weren't you?
CP: Yes, it's quite addictive. But this example is a little less about temporal value and more about simplicity. 
CPP: Remember our old partner and her coffee pot? 
CP: Of course. 
CPP: Is this anything like that?
CP: Oddly, yes. I thought she was pretty unique but this rivals that for peculiarity. Why don't you set the scene?
CPP: I need a new coffee pot. 
CP: Why? What's wrong with it?
CPP: It's dirty. 
CP: Did you clean it?
CPP: Haha! No. 
CP: You don't know how? Or just didn't know you could do that?
CPP: Eww. Gross. It's dirty. I need a new one. 
CP: Vinegar?
CPP: Eww. I'm buying a new one.                     
CP: Just because it's dirty?
CPP: Yes. 

CPP: Your turn. 

CP:How may we help you?
Needs A Meter And Says They Expire: I need a new meter.
CP: What is the issue?
NAMASTE: I bought this one and now it no longer works.
CP: I see. What seems to be the trouble?
NAMASTE: It won't turn on, won't read the strips when it does, doesn't give me results. I need a new one.
CP: Have you tried troubleshooting it?
NAMASTE: Not sure how shooting it will help. Maybe when I get the new one. 
CP: <scritches scalp> How about a battery?
NAMASTE: I should beat it and shoot it?
CP: New battery. CR 2032. 
NAMASTE: It would be easier to buy a new meter. This one is bad. 
CP: It's less than a year old judging by that receipt you brought. 
NAMASTE: They must go bad. 
CP: Yes. Batteries die. Do you own a watch?
NAMASTE: Yes, a nice Seiko. 
CP: Hmm. I own a few Special Edition collector watches. They all require batteries. You mean to tell me that I should just throw them away and buy new, collector-edition watches instead of replacing the batteries?
NAMASTE: It would be easier.And it's guaranteed to work right away. 
CP: Umm. Hmm. I. . . Let me grab you a battery. If that fixes it, problem solved. If not, we can send you over to the Meter Maids who can fit you for a new meter. 
NAMASTE: But I want the same one. 
CP: Right. BRB. 
CP: Success! It works!
NAMASTE: Will I get a new meter if this happens again?
CP: No. You will replace this battery with the second battery from the 2-pack you are about to purchase; the one missing the battery I just used. 
NAMASTE: I still think a new meter would have been easier. 


Sunday, January 24, 2021


CPP: What is one thing that could make the COVID vaccine distribution system worse?
CP: Tickets.
CPP: Like Willy Wonka and the Golden Tickets?
CP: No. The only thing that could make this system truly worse would be if someone decided patients had to have tickets to receive a shot and they put Ticketmaster in charge. 
CPP: Don't give them any ideas. 
CP: It's such a corrupt, inefficient system, how did the government not glom on to it?
CPP: Everyone would be sitting at their laptops or shaking their mobiles whilst waiting for the site to load at 10am. 
CP: Getting frustrated trying to remember their account information; or if they even have one. Then playing the "I am not a robot" game again, and again.
CPP: First hit only a few seconds in to the game! You'd be offered a ticket in the nosebleed section or, in this case, another state. 
CP: Because that was already the "best available". Then you'd attempt to trade those in for another shot at something closer to the stage. 
CPP: And you'd get "no tickets available". 
CP: How are there not tickets available? They just went on sale 42 seconds ago!
CPP: Then you'd have to refresh the screen and hope you get another hit. 
CP: Or that someone wasn't fast enough with their credit card and the system timed out on them. Lather, rinse, repeat.
CPP: Then you cut it down to "any seat in any COVID vaccine clinic within 100 miles of the stage" and you get one ticket behind the stage, in a non-contiguous county.
CP: And you take it. 
CPP: Phew. What a way to start your day at 10am. 
CP: And it's now only 10:02 am and the tickets are sold out. 
CPP: Except you still need one for you or another parent/family member. 
CP: Enter the ticket brokers and scalpers!
CPP: Resale sites would abound with desperate patients looking to score a closer ticket. 
CP: Can't you just see scalpers outside the pharmacy/health department/hospital/clinic? Some holding up a few fingers announcing "I got three! Three seats! Today only!"
CPP: And a few patients walking around or a mobile army of a wheelchair brigade rolling around the parking lots saying "we need five! anyone got five?" 
CP: It's definitely the American Way.  
CPP: Don't give the "Big Deuce" any ideas. They'd probably steal this idea and charge an extra "inconvenience fee" for the hassle they provided free of charge. 

Friday, January 22, 2021

Don't Call Me, I'll (Probably Not) Call You

Uber-Tech: How may I help you today?
I Mustn't Accept Biting Innuendo That Could Hurt: I am here to retrieve my prescription that I faithfully ordered over a week ago; giving you ample time to fill it for me. 
UT: Delightful. Hmm. 
IMABITCH: "Hmm", what?
UT: It appears we are awaiting a refill authorisation from your provider. 
IMABITCH: I've given you a week. This is absurd!
UT: Indeed it has been a week. Yet your doctor has still not responded to our requests. All four of them, in fact. We sent one every other day for the last 8 days and, nada. Now may be the time to ring your provider yourself.
IMABITCH: You have had over a week! This is why I hate coming here. You people are so stupid.  
UT: We are not "stupid", only doing our jobs. Unfortunately, your doctor seems incapable of doing theirs. 
IMABITCH: I cannot believe I keep coming here. 
UT: Yeah. You should find a new doctor since they are the ones who seem to be failing you.

CP: <triumphantly rides in on my trusty steed> Ma'am. You are not allowed to speak to my staff that way. She has been most gracious with her patience and explained the situation but you have neither listened not attempted to understand her. 
IMABITCH: Your staff are rude and so are you. 
CP: <deep sigh>
UT: Oh shit. <ducks>
CP: Let me put this into one of my world-phamous analogies to help you understand. Let's say you are at the bar, again. Let's say you're pounding the White Claws and the 80's wants your hair back. You see a guy and, after a few more beer-goggling drinks to make yourself feel more attractive, you give him your number. Next day, no call. No calls from him for the next, oh, 8 days. On whom do we place the blame? The guy who didn't call? The bartender who served you and watched you make a fool of yourself? Just because you gave him your number does not mean you can make him call you. Just like I can't make your doctor call me either. Maybe "Bar Guy" doesn't want to look at your vagina any more than your doctor does. Now apologise to my tech and take your ass-filled acid wash mom jeans out of my store, and call your own doctor for your own refill. And put the Aqua Net back!
UT: Ouch. 
CP: Yeah. The Aqua Net was a low blow but that feathered mullet was an assault on the eyes. 
UT: 80's Karen.