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Tuesday, June 21, 2022


CPP: What is today's word-of-the-day?
CP: Notice. It is a verb that means "become aware of" according to lexico.com. 
CPP: How did you select today's word?
CP: I heard it in a recent conversation. 
CPP: Please share with the class. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Cosmic Pastilles. How may I help you?
Non-Observant Lady Opining: I noticed I didn't get a call for my husband's Eliquis refill. He missed his dose today because of you. 
CP: You don't say. You noticed we didn't call but you didn't notice his bottle was getting emptier and emptier with each dose you did give him. How selectively observant. Curiouser and Curiouser as my phriend A Little Interesting Clever Explainer was oft heard to quote. 
NO LO: Well?
CP: Water!
NO LO: What?
CP: Second Base! I'm good at these. Keep them coming. 
NO LO: No. Why didn't we receive a call? He missed a dose. 
CP: Phunny you should say that. We last filled his prescription for a 90 days supply 99 days ago. I'm not saying he missed other doses, it is within the realm of (unlikely) possibility that you had a dose or two . . . or 9, extra but. . . he's missed more than A dose in the last 3 months. We also would've filled this about 2 weeks early which means you likely missed the window of opportunity within which to retrieve his refill. I can get it ready now if you like. There's still time to make up the missing dose you forgot to give him. 
NO LO: I also noticed that I didn't get a call for my HCTZ. 
CP: You are on a roll this morning. Have you thought of joining your local ornithologist organization? Obviously observation is obligatory and your penchant for noticing things could really help in the field. 
NO LO: No. It just comes natural. 
CP: Selectively natural. And you would not receive a call phor your medication. 
NO LO: Why not? I'm almost out!
CP: Well the system attempts to fill prescriptions when they are 80% complete. You received a 90 days supply 138 days ago. Not only did you miss your window for my computer to refill it for you, you are 50% of the way into the next, missing refill. You're either Pharmer Jesus feeding thousands of people on 5 loaves and a couple fish, or you're woefully noncompliant. Either way, I can't help you. I can refill it today though.
NO LO: Phine. 

CPP: Ever notice how patients only notice what they want to notice? 
CP: You mean when it's convenient for them to complain about their lack of observance because they just noticed it's a issue? 
CPP: Precisely. 
CP: It still amazes how few people get stranded on the side of the road after running out of gas. 
CPP: Yeah. They can ignore all our phone calls and texts and smoke signals and semaphores but get them in a car with warning lights and they now stop for gas. 
CP: Well running out of gas is embarrassing; running out of your medication means you can project your insecurities and lack of planning on another person to feel better about yourself. 
CPP: 'Murica. 
CP: #HowDoYouNotNoticeTheBottleIsGettingEmptier

Friday, June 10, 2022

And Scene. . .

<Our story opens on a nondescript pharmacy in a nondescript town on a nondescript corner shortly after dawn (okay, like 8:47, close enough) on a Saturday. We are standing behind the main character, a pharmacist, peering over her shoulder as she unlocks the door and disarms the alarm>
CP: <inner monologue> Today is going to be a great day. I can pheel it!
Narrator: It was NOT going to be a great day. 
CP: I'm going to start my computers and get everything ready to start my morning. I got up early and arrived to work earlier than normal; I got donuts even. 
<looks out of gate and sees a gentleman sitting on the waiting bench>
CP: <inner monologue> Going to be a good day. 
<Rolls up gates>
CP: Greetings and Salutations! Are you picking up today?
Gonna Ruin Everyone's Morning Like It's Nothing: No. 
CP: Well, you're at pick up so. . . Are you dropping off?
CP: Ok. Question?
CP: Ok. Well I'm about out of guesses as to why you are at my counter then. 
GREMLIN: I need my second booster. 
CP: Ok. We do those by appointment only, during the week. 
GREMLIN: I'm leaving town Thursday.
CP: Nice. Have a dandy time
GREMLIN:I need my booster. 
CP: Not really though. But you can return Monday and schedule a shot for then. 
GREMLIN: Well I need this Rx filled too then. 
CP: Ok. Viagra. It'll be about 20 minutes. 
GREMLIN: WHAT?! Twenty Minutes? Twenty Minutes!
CP: Yes. Repeat it back to me so you understand. Well done. 20 minutes is correct. 
CP: Well, as you clearly witnessed, I arrived; I started my computers; I just opened the gate. You walked up to my counter ahead of the two people who are now behind you. As soon as the gate lifted, my phone started ringing. I am also flying solo today so, yeah, 20 minutes is a phairly solid estimate. 
GREMLIN: "I can't wait another 20 minutes. We've already waited 20 minutes!"
CP: Sorry. What? 
GREMLIN: We've already been here 20 minutes. 
CP: Aww, you're so cute. You do realise that you can't count wait times outside of our hours of operation. 
CP: Waiting times before we open DON'T. COUNT! I walked out last night at 7pm. I passed a gentleman walking into the store with an Rx in his hand. If he were standing here, right now, and I told him "20 minutes", he would not be able to ask, with sincere incredulity, "Why so long? I've been waiting over 10 hours already!". So knock it off, sit back down, and wait your 20 minutes. 
GREMLIN: I can't wait. Give me back my script. 

<10 minutes later>
GREMLIN: I'll just leave this here and come back when I get my shot Monday. 
CP: Okay. It'll be here Tuesday. 
GREMLIN: What? Why? 
CP: I have to order it. And now that I know you aren't leaving until Thursday, you can have a little patience too. You need to learn how to be patient. 
GREMLIN:This is ridiculous!
CP: I've been waiting phor 2 years phor The Sandman to come out, ever since it was announced. Netflix just said I have to wait until, August; 9 more weeks. I don't think that's phair. See you Wednesday. Next!

Thursday, June 2, 2022

Going On A Trip

ME: We're going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship. . . 
MICE ELF: Zooming through the sky!
CP: Have you stopped by the pharmacy at the last minute to get your medications refilled?
ME: Yes!
CP: Everyone have their role assignments?
CP: Shall we?
ME & MICE ELF: Lettuce!

Gate Agent Trying Everything,  But. . . : Welcome to Delta. Where are you headed today?
M+ME+CP: We are traveling on holiday. 
GATE B: Not what I asked. Tickets?
MMECP: Um. We don't have them. We figured you could look them up. 
GATE B: Look them up? 
MMECP: Yeah. In "The System". We are flying to that one city, in that state with all the vowels in its name? it's kinda big, but not like NY/LA big. No. More like Springfield?
GATE B: Which one? 
MMECP: All of them. Can't you look it up? It's under Pharmacist, Cynical. I've flown with you guys before; I don't understand the problem. 
GATE B: Per federal regulations, you must have your boarding pass. . . 
MMECP: Which you supplied to me and I forgot so since I have a flight to catch and you issued the first ticket, fetch another posthaste. 
GATE B: I cannot do that. Are you even sure this is the correct airline? Date? Time? Are you sure you have a flight today?
MMECP: Duh. I made it on the TWA phone prompt thingy you had me do. 
MMECP: Uh, yeah! 
GATE B: They went out of business decades ago. This is Delta. And we do online ticketing now. 
MMECP: This is an airline, right? You do have planes that fly, right? Just give me a ticket so I can start my holiday and be done with this. 
GATE B: You don't know where you are. You have no ID. You don't know where you're going; or when. But you're here and want me to fix all of this for you?
MMECP: For free. With upgrades. Since you messed up and "lost" my reservation even though I come here all the time, I need extra nuts for my flight. 
GATE B: Oh, I think your level of nuts is chokingly high.
MMECP: Look, we work retail; pharmacy no less. We know how this works. Our patients have been educating us. All we do is not plan ahead, randomly show up unannounced and unprepared, ask for things to which we are not entitled, complain about things that are actually our responsibility, argue and make scenes from which you, the retailer, will cower and become subservient, then acquiesce by granting our every demand. Now fetch us our flight forthwith!