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Tuesday, July 14, 2020

New Twist On A Classic

CPP: What's your favourite, or at least most popular, question asked of you?
CP: The alcohol one.
CPP: Can I drink with this?
CP: Exactly. People always treat it as if it's a negotiation.

 Pt: How much can I drink with this?
 CP: None.
 Pt: 3?
 CP: Nope.
 Pt: 2?
 CP: Fewer.
 Pt: 1?
 CP: Keep going.

CPP: I asked you this because I know you enjoy answering questions literally and thought you might have a quick quip for this.
CP: I do. Let's play.

Forcing Rx's Over Gums: Can I drink with this?
CP: Yes. Absolutely. In fact, I encourage drinking while taking this medication.
FROG: <excited> Really?
CP: Yes. A dry swallow is a difficult feat and will leave a bad taste in your mouth, or get stuck in your throat.
FROG: That's not what I meant.
CP: I encourage drinking. It is healthy to stay hydrated. It is a difficult task for a pharmacist, what with the "no drinks allowed on the bench" policies and the mandatory masks. Lemme tell ya, 12 hour days in these things really parches the ole gullet and they don't make them yet with straw holes.
FROG: I wanted to know if I can drink. . .
CP: I assume you CAN drink. Water would be the potable liquid of choice. As I said earlier, I solidly encourage drinking while taking this medication.

CPP: You know that's just cruel, right?
CP: Next time he will be more specific. Or get to the point faster.
CPP: Surely someone out there is going to think you're serious.
CP: I am serious. I would totally answer the first question this way. . . knowing my patients and the rapport I have with them, this answer would go over very well with the crowd. And don't call me Shirley.

Sunday, July 12, 2020


Uber-Tech: Angry Tart on hold.
CP: Thanks for getting her all into a lather for me.
UT: No problem.
CP: What's her issue?
UT: She received a 90 days supply 57 days ago and wants a refill before she departs for a vacation. Somehow, she not only needs it early, but she only has enough for another week.
CP: Curious.
UT: Good luck.
CP: <cracks neck, knuckles, does deep-knee bends> Thank you for holding. This is CP, problem solver extraordinaire. How may I help you?
Old Yet Very Enraged Yeller: That girl told me I can't get my refill. <continues to repeat vacation plans, out of medication, doesn't take more than she should, etc, etc, etc>
CP: I heard that. Your insurance won't pay for. . . 
OYVEY: It's not like I can abuse them! I only take 1 a day. 
CP: And they won't pay. It's not a matter of abuse, it's. . . 
OYVEY: Where did they go? It says I can refill them before next week. I just want them before I leave. 
CP: Ok. Where are you going? 
OYVEY: That's none of your business. 
CP: Well, in most parts of the world, including "none of your business", there are pharmacies for the residents of those towns. You could transfer your. . . 
OYVEY: Not where we're going. 
CP: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads. 
OYVEY:  Huh? It says one refill and I want it. 
CP: Listen, Veruca. My tech tried to help you. You yelled at her and asked for me. I have tried to help you and you have yelled at me. Let me explain it like this: You can argue with me and talk over me OR, you can ask for my help; but you absolutely cannot do both. If you had asked for my help, which I still attempted to provide in spite of your actions, I may have offered to process enough doses to last until you returned and processed a vacation override or at least used a discount card. Since you have been belligerent and demanding, I am less inclined to help you. You have chosen the dark path. May you find the light in The Land of None Of Your Business. 
OYVEY: scoffs <click>
UT: That went well. 
CP:I wonder where else people choose to ask for help then berate you for no good reason. 
UT: I'm sure that was an episode of Baywatch. Can't you just see Pamela Anderson rescuing some schmuck drowning, giving him mouth-to-mouth and him complaining about it? 
CP: You need to update your TV habits. 
UT: I never watched it. I was more of a 90210 girl. 
CP: Ditto. 

Monday, July 6, 2020

Move Along, Move Along

The next time someone visits your drive-thru and gives your technician a difficult time, remember that you are inside.
Person At Drive Thru Huffing And Irritated: <screaming unintelligibly>
CP: <picks up D-T microphone> Hello.
CP: Are you yelling at my technician? The employee trying to help you?
CP: Are you in your car?
CP: Good. Then you can drive your ass somewhere else.

CP: Welcome to the Drive-Thru. How can this end poorly?
PADTHAI: Can I get stuff from the front here?
CP: <whispers to self> that did answer my first question. <to patient> Within reason. What do you seek?
PADTHAI: Your store brand allergy medication.
CP: Generic for which brand?
PADTHAI: The 24 hour one.
CP: And which of those might you prefer?
PADTHAI: Your brand.
CP: Of which name brand.
PADTHAI: The once a day one.
CP: I've really got nothing better to do than continue this stand up routine with you. As you've asked me to help you, and I sillily acquiesced against my better judgement, I thought you could help me help you by helping me to help you.
PADTHAI: The green one.
CP: Green tablet or green box?
CP: Zyrtec?
CP: How many?
PADTHAI: Doesn't matter.
CP: There are at least 3/4 dozen package sizes out there and as I've previously mentioned, I have nothing else to do except make decisions for you that will ultimately be incorrect so let's waste more of my time, shall we?
PADTHAI: The medium size.
CP: We have no packages shaped like spiritualists.
<CP returns triumphantly>
CP: I have a 100 count box for $30.00.
PADTHAI: Just for allergy medication?
CP: It's more than just allergy medication. It's 24-hr, once-a-day allergy medication! Generic, no less!
PADTHAI: Do you have a smaller one?
CP: I do. And larger ones. You asked if we sold OTC products through the Drive-Thru. I said we do, within reason. It is not my job to shop and make critical decisions for you. We have packages sizes of 300 tabs, 240 tabs, 120 tabs, 100 tabs, 90 tabs, 60 tabs, 36 tabs, 24 tabs, and 10 tabs. I chose the mean value for you. I could have selected the median value of 90, but. . . I opted to not.
PADTHAI: What are the prices for all the others?
CP: I didn't check. There's a reason they are out there and I am back here.
PADTHAI: Harrumph! Any ideas?
CP: I'm going to go with higher for the larger counts and less for the lower counts. You asked me to sell you a product, size of my choosing, through the drive thru. You did not give me a budget with which to make a more informed financial decision, nor did you provide constraints on the size selection. Therefore, you get what I pick or you can don a mask, walk inside, and choose for yourself. As I've mentioned twice now, I have all day to wait for you here at my drive thru. The one with the line of 9 cars in which you too waited for this opportunity; the opportunity you have spoiled.
PADTHAI: I think we should go elsewhere.
CP: Finally, a decision made by you. And what a glorious one it was. Good day.
Uber-Tech: Well that went poorly.
CP: As predicted.

Thursday, July 2, 2020

This Is The United States Calling. . . Are We Reaching?

. . . he keeps hanging up.

CP: Thank you phor calling CP's Pill Paradise where we may not be the patient's pharmacy of choice, but we aim to lower their expectations all the same. How may I help you?
Patient's Insurance That Always Passes It Through: I have a patient on the line and I need you to resend a claim for her.
CP: Sure thing. Did she receive her medication?
PITAPIT: Yes, she did.
CP: Can confirm. I do see she picked it up 4 days ago.
PITAPIT: And she now needs reimbursed; her prior auth was approved.
CP: Was it?
PITAPIT: Yes. I ran a test claim and it's covered.
CP: You didn't, by some strange chance, happen to backdate that test claim to the day she actually retrieved her medication, did you?
PITAPIT: No. I ran the claim and it worked.
CP: Cool story, bro. But I'm not going to rerun the claim.
PITAPIT: <startled quaver in voice> Um, why not?
CP: Allow me to ask you a few questions, and paint a scenario. Are you married?
CP: Since when?
PITAPIT: 2010.
CP: Congratulations on 10 years. How long did you date before you got married?
PITAPIT: 4 years.
CP: I see. And did you know each other prior to dating?
PITAPIT: Yes. We were friends for a few years.
CP: How sweet. So you've been married for 17 years?
PITAPIT: No. As you said, it's 10 years, this month.
CP: I see. So you knew each other for 3 years, dated for 4 years, and have been married for 10 years. Got it. So this patient has had her new insurance for 3 months, picked up her non-covered prescription 4 days ago, and received approval for the prior auth today. Can she claim her medication has been covered since she started her insurance 3 months ago? Or since she picked it up from my pharmacy? Or only since today?
PITAPIT: I guess it would only be covered since today.
CP: Right. As you can only claim to have been married for 10 years, she can only claim to have this medication covered for a few hours. Unless you can get someone to backdate your marriage date to the day you two met, you can't claim 17 years of marriage. Phollow? The same rules apply here. Unless you backdate her claim to the date she paid for them, she cannot get reimbursed for her out-of-pocket expenses PRIOR to coverage being approved. Capeesh?
PITAPIT: What can we do?
CP: Well, you ARE the insurance company. And YOU are the ones who required the prior auth. And YOU are the ones who have the power to backdate the approval from the date the prescriber submitted it instead of leaving it as today. And only you can prevent phorest phires.
PITAPIT: Can you change the fill date?
CP: How did I know you would ask that? Well, as I explained before, YOU are the insurance and YOU are responsible for all of the patient's misery this past week. As I explained to her when I offered to find her a discount card to help lower the out-of-pocket cost for her very necessary medication, unless YOU, her insurance, backdated the claim, she would assume the risk that YOU, her insurance, would not reimburse her. ME? Helping. YOU? Not so much.
PITAPIT: Why won't you just change the date?
CP: You're phunny. It must be why you've been married for 17 years. First, this is a controlled medication. If I change the date, I alter her refill date AND the date on file with the State PDMP. But the greater question is, WHY. WON'T. YOU?
PITAPIT: <audibly shrugs> It's not in my script. Usually the pharmacy gives in.
CP: I shall capitulate to no insurance, nor anyone who expects me to do their job for them. I will, however, remind the patient that her insurance is the bad guy.
CP: Good luck explaining that to her. I already did for you. . . 4 days ago. Oh, and good luck on your next 17 years of marriage.