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Monday, May 31, 2021


ME: I love the names of birth control.
MICE ELF: I always thought there should be a gentleman's club where the entertainment all have birth control names. 
ME: But only with the marketed spelling of the name. 
MICE ELF: Alyacen for Allison. 
CP: Are you discussing birth control names again?
ME: Yes. I've been watching Attack on Titan and, for some reason, all I see are ads for Kyleena on Hulu.
CP: I have a new favorite. It's a generic name, but it has a certain appeal. 
MICE ELF: Meaning?
CP: The name is enticing, attractive, almost seductive. 
ME: Do I have to ask or are you going to make this a long-winded explanation?
CP: I just see a couple of friends discussing:

HER: I'm now on birth control. It's ELURYNG. 
Her Friend: Is it?
HER: Yes. I love it. 
HF: I'm not so sure. 
HER: Why not?
HF: Well it's not like you're going to lead with that on your dating profile. "I love dark humour, have an eclectic music taste, and my birth control makes me ALLURING."
HF: There is nothing ALLURING about birth control. 
HER: It's a vaginal ring, E-L-U-R-Y-N-G.
HF: Well I still wouldn't lead with that. 
HER : <rips out ring and throws it at HF>
MICE ELF: Well that took a turn at the end. 
ME: As long as she doesn't bring the ring to the counter, hand it to me, and say "I need this refilled", we are good. 
CP: I can just see someone expecting me to put the medication back in the ring. Like the optometrist who told me about one of his patients. She said she needed her glasses refilled. She couldn't see anymore and she thought the prescription had "run out of the glasses" and he would just fill it back up. 

Friday, May 21, 2021

It's You. Definitely You

CP: Thank you phor calling CP's Pharmacy of Phantasmagoria. How may I help you?
She Accepts That All News Should Take An Interesting Novel Twist: You keep messing with my meds. 
CP: And how are we doing that?
SATANS TAINT: You did not refill one of them. 
CP: Well your prescriber didn't send it to us.We requested refills every other day for a week and the office never responded. 
SATANS TAINT: I have serious health issues and you keep messing with my medications. 
CP: Perhaps you should call the office yourself if your health is so important to you. You probably shouldn't leave such important concerns up to your pharmacist. 
SATANS TAINT: That's your job. I don't get my refills, you do. 
CP: Do I, though? Have you thought about going to the prescriber yourself? 
CP: Go see your prescriber. Ask her to send in your refills. 
SATANS TAINT: Last time I was there, she said she did. I watched her send it. 
CP: What did you actually see though? Were you looking over her shoulder? 
CP: Then all you saw was the back of her monitor. She could have been flirting with her nurse or reading my posts and commenting. You should call her and ask why she'd rather read my stuff than send your prescriptions. 
SATANS TAINT: This is ridiculous.
CP: I agree. I can't believe you're still arguing with me. This is phun.
SATANS TAINT: I have serious health issues! She knows that. 
CP: I see. Currently I have serious car issues but I'm not going to the mechanic. I'm going to show them who's boss!
SATANS TAINT: How is that going to work?
CP: No clue. It seems to work for you. I just thought I'd try it out myself. I guess when my brakes go, or I drop my transmission on the freeway and crash into oncoming traffic, flip my car 17 times and am ejected, that'll show them it was their phault for not making sure my car was safe without me ever seeing them. 
SATANS TAINT: I don't understand why you can't get it. 
CP: I wanna make some babies, but I can't get it up. 
SATANS TAINT: You're a weird pharmacist.
CP: Agreed. I'm going to take my car to the shop now. I suggest you do the same. 


One Direction

ME: Before people think this is a musical reference, to what are you referring by the title? 
CP: How shit rolls. 
MICE ELF: Down hill. Or one direction. Got it. 
ME: Please give us an example of how people always blame the pharmacy. 
CP: It's not just the pharmacy. It's more the person closest to them; the person who may have no responsibility for the current situation. 
MICE ELF: More a shoot-the-messenger situation? 
CP: Right you are, Ken!
ME: What happened recently?
CP: This exchange:

Rather Unusually Speedy Hurried Diva: I'm dropping this off. 
UT: And when would you like to return?
RUSHD: I will be back at 4:17pm. (leaves)
UT: Delightful. <begins processing> CP, should I call on the date written? It's missing. 
CP: Sure. While you're at it, you can tell them that since the provider didn't sign the Ritalin script, they can rewrite it, sign it, and date it for when the patient returns. 
UT: Oof. She won't be happy. 

UT: <rings RUSHD> Ms. RUSHD? The provider didn't sign the prescription you left with me earlier. 
RUSHD: Can't you call them?
UT: I can, but there are 3 things I cannot change via verbal order: patient name, drug name, doctor name. This includes adding a signature. 
RUSHD: Why didn't you tell me while I was there? 
UT: Well signatures are generally the last thing we look at as we are typing the prescription and since you seem to be in such a hurry, we don't generally look at the entire prescription. It really was unlikely that it would be unsigned. 
RUSHD: This is ridiculous!
UT: I agree. But keep in mind that I was not the one who forgot to sign it. I was not the one who forgot to date it. I was not the one responsible for your current inconvenience. 
<RUSHD returns>
RUSHD: This place is absurd! I can't believe. . . 
CP: <puts finger to RUSHD's lips> Shhhhhhhh. Please make sure that you breathe. Now hold it. Now carry that with you back to the office where you may then unleash all the vitriol you are attempting to spray on us. We expect others to perform their jobs so that we may do ours. Do you yell at the drywall guys when the electricians have failed to show up first to your job site?
RUSHD: But. . . 
CP: <puts finger to RUSHD's lips> Shhhhhh. Don't ruin this moment. I want to remember us just like this. 
RUSHD: <confused look> But. . . 
CP: <presses finger to RUSHD's lips again> Shhhhh. I will always remember this. I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave. 
RUSHD: <backs away with confused look, whispers> what just happened?
UT: Well that went differently than expected. 
CP: Just wait until she snaps out of it on his way to the office. 
UT: They're going to get an earful. 
CP: Better them than us. 
UT: You know people won't believe we had yesterday's and today's happen in the same week. 
CP: As I said yesterday, you don't have to believe what I am telling you in order for it to still be true.

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Whom To Believe

CP: What is it I always say about Pharmacists and the Profession?
CPP: We are the Rodney Dangerfields of Healthcare? #NoRespect.
CP: That's it. 
CPP: Why do you ask? 
CP: I'm going to paint you this scenario. Close your eyes and count to phuck. 
CPP: <closes eyes>
<scene; Friday, 2pm> 

Apparently Understanding Statements I'm Making:  I need to know if you can order this medication. No one seems to carry it or be able to get it. 
CP: Sure. Let's take a look at what they wrote. <epiphany> AHA!
AUSIM: What? Can you get it?
CP: No. Not quite sure why this ER provider decided to go off-book, but the reason no one can find this particular C-II is that it doesn't exist. 
AUSIM: What do you mean? 
CP: She decided she wanted to make up a C-II liquid that does not, and has never existed. 
AUSIM: Why did she do that?
CP: An excellent question. A better question would be why didn't the other pharmacies tell you this instead of just saying "we don't have it but we can get it next week"?
AUSIM: That's exactly what they said. 
CP: I wish I could call on this but, because it is a C-II, there are 3 things I cannot change via verbal order: Patient Name, Prescriber Name, and Drug Name. Since I would have to completely change the Drug Name to a product that actually exists, I cannot call for a legal change. You will have to take this back to the ER, and have them rewrite the prescription. I attached a post-it with what I carry and what most other pharmacies should have in stock on a Friday. 
AUSIM: Got it! Oh, golly, thank you so much! 
CP: Happy to help. 

<1/2 hour later>
AUSIM: I called the ER and they said that if you call them, they can change it verbally. 
CP: Is that what they said? How dear. Should I explain to you again how that is not a legal solution to the problem they created?
AUSIM: But they said. . . 
CP: So, after helping you solve your problem after multiple failed attempts at other pharmacies, you choose now to not believe me? After the ER provider completely made up a drug and sent your loved one home in pain on a Friday afternoon, you still choose to believe them over me? 
AUSIM: Well they said. . . 
CP: And they are wrong. They are lazy. They don't want to see you face-to-face to own up to their mistake and confront your ire. Make them own it. You go down there and tell them that, not only did they screw up your initial prescription, but they had the nerve to pass off the mistake as someone else's problem to fix. 
AUSIM: Well, they said. . . 
CP: You don't have to believe what I am telling you in order for it to still be true. 

Sunday, May 16, 2021

I'm Like, So Inconvenienced

ME: What's got your panties in a bunch today, CP?
MYSELF: Or your knickers in a knot?
CP: People, and the death of humanity. After several years in retail pharmacy, I have realised how the human race will die.
ME: Wow. Deep Thoughts, by CP.
MYSELF: Okay. What will cause the ruination of society as we know it?
CP: The Drive-Thru.
ME: Oh this should be good.
CP: I believe that, should we experience a cataclysmic event, drone footage will show long lines of vehicles at drive-thrus across the country. People would rather sit in the lines, and die, than be forced to enter a store.
MYSELF: Okay. I have to ask. What prompted this? Aside from years of experience with people?
CP: This interaction:

  Bitching About Drive Thru Acting Completely Obstinate: I. AM. VERY. UNHAPPY!
  CP: Okay. May I ask why?
  BADTACO: Your drive thru was blocked.
  CP: Yes. Once a week. For my delivery. Usually lasts about 30 minutes.
  BADTACO: I had to bring my kids inside.
  CP: Oh bother. Did you though?
  BADTACO: I will have to find a new pharmacy.
  CP: One that doesn't need shipments of drugs?
  BADTACO: <scoffs>

ME: Okay. Maybe it was an emergency? Her kids were sick? You know, all the reasons the pharmacy drive thru actually exists? Maybe you're just being an ass?
CP: I thought of that. Except she was picking up something that had been filled for days. It's not my fault she chose to pop by during my delivery. She also could have returned. What about the people who see the delivery truck parked in my drive thru or the entrance blocked with cones due to construction and are just plain enterprising, yet lazy enough, to BACK into my drive-thru; or worse yet, pull in from the exit with a passenger, expecting to then back out of line?
MYSELF: Wouldn't be so bad were it not completely true.
ME: It's true. I've seen it firsthand.
CP: People act so inconvenienced when their conveniences are somehow, albeit temporarily, less than convenient.
ME: Like babies with pacifiers?
MYSELF: <drops binky, starts crying>

Thursday, May 13, 2021


CP: I had an epiphany the other day. 
ME and MICE ELF: We did?
CP: I did. 
ME: What was it about? 
CP: My budgets. 
MICE ELF: Must have been a boring day. 
CP: Let me ask you a question. If you wanted a new car, but you only budgeted $300/month for a loan payment, would you look at vehicles that cost more or less than you could afford? 
ME and MICE ELF: <scream> LESS! 
CP: Good. Now, let us suppose that you were a businessperson. You would assign a budget to the expected work, right? 
ME: Uh-huh. 
CP: And you would expect them to keep at or below the budgeted amounts, yes? 
MICE ELF: <nods> uh-huh. 
CP: For argument's sake, you wouldn't decide to purchase a Bentley, and expect to pay $300/month, would you?
ME and MICE ELF: Huh-uh. 
CP: You would try to make your purchase fit the budget and not the other way round?
ME: and MICE ELF: Indubitably. 
CP: Good. Instead of trying to make the work fit the budget, perhaps we should make the budget fit the work?
ME and MICE ELF: <golf clap> Bravo!
ME: Your point? 
MICE ELF: Yeah. Are we getting a Bentley or not? 
CP: The point, my dear phriends, is that if business demands require more help, perhaps we should meet the demands and expand our budget rather than just accepting what is handed to us. Meeting the new demands with proper, flexible budgeting will enable us to offset the initial costs. 
ME: That's not how budgets work. They are rigid. Some computer in a room somewhere churned out what you will do and it knows better than you do what will happen and what is happening based on what has happened and other important superfluous data your puny, little pharmacist brain can't comprehend. 
MICE ELF: Puny pharmacist brain no match for computer that write budget!
CP: When you look up from your computer and see your 4 technicians busy and no one is answering the phone or entering or counting prescriptions, perhaps you are understaffed. 
To wit: 1 tech at drop-off (2 patients in line)
1 tech at pickup (4 patients in line)
1 tech at each of the 2 drive-thru lanes (4 total cars)
RPh checking prescriptions and preparing shots
(7 pharmacy phone lines lit up and ringing)
That means that 17 patients are in need of help yet we only have 5 employees to help them. (And the RPh is helping the people waiting for shots and is about to vacate the pharmacy.)
ME and MICE ELF: Well some of those people would have to wait in line anyway. 
CP: All waiting for prescriptions that are not getting typed or counted. How long until the bottom falls out of that model? 
ME: I'm going to work at Chik-Fil-A. 
MICE ELF: I'm going to Five Guys Burgers. 
CP: They do know how to staff for busy times. And now I'm hungry.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

You Suck

For abusing your employees by
Understaffing and allowing them to be
Criticised and verbally abused. You 
Knowingly use metrics to keep them down. 
Your business should be helping people. 
Often you put profit ahead of patients' health. 
Usually this results in mistakes and risks lives. 
Can you just focus on the profession you 
Very much have sullied over the last decade?
Signed, The Cynical Pharmacist

Furthermore, I wish to point out how 
Underwhelming your response has been to 
Complaints from both patients and media. 
Known issues are swept under the rug or
You simply distract with claims that are 
Obviously difficult to prove and 
Unquestionably meant to 
Confuse the public and instead you choose to 
Victimize yourself. How callous and
Self-Serving. I expect this from
A person being harassed but not from a 
Necessary component of the healthcare 
Dynamic. If our profession could fall any further in 
The opinions of the public I would be amazed. 
How can you continue this blatant 
Erosion of their trust and respect?
How can you honestly call yourselves 
One of the most trusted professions when you'd 
Rather patients continue to wait and 
Suffer for their medications while you 
Eke out a profit from your monopolistic model?
Yet due to this model, we are all 
Only permitted to utilise your and your services? 
Usually this is met with scorn. 
Rightfully so. Instead you abuse your power and 
Our lack of choices to your gain, 
Denying us proper help and access. 
Expecting you to change is a Fool's Errand. 
Instead, we ask that you be held accountable 
Now. Don't get me started
On how you've screwed up the covid vaccinations. 
Not scheduling enough help. Overpromise, underdeliver, eh?

Friday, May 7, 2021

If The Shoe Fits. . .

CP: I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
PT: Are you calling me stupid?
CP: No. Not at all. You're making that case pretty well all on your own. You don't need my help explaining that apparently. 

CP: This is the explanation for the situation. 
PT: I have had this same problem at the last 3 pharmacies I have visited. 
CP: Well, I'd like to offer you an alternative explanation. 
PT: Yes?
CP: If you have had this exact problem at now four pharmacies, maybe it's not the pharmacy that is the problem. I'd look for the common denominator. 
PT: Are you saying it's MY fault. 
CP: Not at all. I merely implied it. You reached that conclusion all on your own. 


Wednesday, May 5, 2021


Gaslight: Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
Do we all remember our Shakespeare? Particularly Taming of the Shrew? 
Namely Act 4, Scene 5.
The moon! the sun: it is not moonlight now.
I say it is the moon that shines so bright.
I know it is the sun that shines so bright.
Like is easier for Kate with her acquiescence. 
Much like life in the pharmacy. 

Have you ever worked for multiple companies or discussed work with your peers and colleagues from other employers? 
Did you ever discover striking dissimilarities in how laws are defined and followed?
(Not simply state to state. I'm talking about on opposite corners of the same street.)
Did you ever get so mind-phucked by your employer that you don't know if it's actual law or company policy?

My law professor was atrocious. We had to unlearn what we had learned in order to pass our Boards. 
I also know a lot has changed since I graduated. It's my duty to remain up to date.
However, I did not expect that pharmacists within my own company, and pharmacists at other companies, would disagree on interpretations of the law. 
I phind it interesting that, after being at one place for so long, what I thought was real had become the illusion. 

What, if any, company "rules" or "policies" were presented to you as "LAWS" that you discovered later to be untrue?
"We barely remember
Who or what came before this precious moment
We are choosing to be here right now
Hold on, stay inside"
"Red is gray and yellow white. 
But we decide which is right. 
And which is an illusion?"


Tuesday, May 4, 2021

Real World Testing

CP: I was thinking. . . 
CPP: I am moist with anticipation.
CP: I'm pretty sure those aren't related and you should see a doctor. 
CPP: <smirks> As you were saying?
CP: I believe Pharmacy Boards and Pharmacy schools should alter their testing procedures to more adequately represent the real world situations pharmacists will face when they graduate and enter the workforce. 
CPP: You're saying the tests should reflect more than the knowledge they were able to obtain and cram in their brains over 5-10 years at university? 
CP: Of course. How much of your job is using your brain? 
CPP: Most of it. 
CP: And the rest of it?
CPP: Juggling.
CP: When I coach my soccer teams, we start with endurance training and/or sprints to open practises. Then we move on to skills and touches and game play. Do you know why?
CPP: Sure. It's more difficult to make decisions when you and your brain are fatigued. 
CP: Exactly. It makes it more difficult to focus when you're tired and distracted. 
CPP: How are you planning to change the test taking to incorporate this?
CP: We're going to have the testees hanging out in the class. Next to the testees, we're going to have a bunch of other students, assholes, distracting them throughout the test. 
CPP: Asking where the bathroom is? Or the shoe polish? 
CP: A few will even be tasked with begging the testees to take them to their classroom and when they get there, tell them it's the wrong classroom. 
CPP: Or wrong building altogether. 
CP: Before the test, all testees must give their phone number to the professor. She and her TAs will randomly make calls to students during the test which they will have to take from their seats while continuing the test. 
CPP: Will they be giving shots as well?
CP: It wouldn't reflect the chaos if we omitted those. 
CPP: How about an insurance section?
CP: Cruel. I like it. Testees will randomly drop into a timed exercise where they will have to either successfully submit a prior auth claim, successfully bill a flu shot or shingles shot, or call for a vacation override. 
CPP: If they initiate this the first year of school, the students should be prepared to face anything thrown their way during their Boards and at work. 
CP: The final licensure exam by the Board will be shortened by a random amount at the anticipated midpoint. 
CPP: Ooooh. Like one of those wrinkles or surprise challenges on a cooking show!
CP: Yes. This will reflect corporate cutting help. Even though you still have to answer 350 questions, you now have less time. 
CPP: Surprise!
CP: At least the chains will get the pharmacists they actually want. 
CPP: Two men enter. One man leaves!
CP and CPP: Two men enter! One man leaves!
CPP: What do we call the test process?
CP: Between the testees and the assholes? #TaintFair