Own Your Stupid, Lady

 <7 minutes to close>

Totally Waiting All Today: Where'd the other pharmacist go?

CP: She decided to backpack across Idaho. WE haven't heard phrom her in a few months but we assume she's phine. 

TWAT: You're new here. 

CP: No. I've been here 9 months now. 

TWAT: Well you're new to me. 

CP: No. I've seen you at least half a dozen times. I've counseled you on your special order item the last 3 times you received it and the last time you were here, you came in, also 7 minutes to close, asking if I could phill 3 Rx's that you'd had for a few days to which I replied "Um, no". Oh, then we rang out your other 7 items that had accumulated over 11 days. But sure, I'm new. 

TWAT: I miss her. 

CP: Everyone does. 

<3 minutes later; now 4 minutes to close>

<phone rings>

TWAT: You gave me a prescription earlier and it was only phor 90 days. 

CP: Without a name or timeframe, I'm guessing you're the TWAT that just left. Let me check. 

TWAT: "I keep telling everybody this 30 day thing doesn't really work for me."

CP: Oh. Well if by "everybody" you mean "the pharmacy" or "the previous RPh", then you're telling the wrong people. You need to start with your office that acutally writes the Rx's. They keep sending them phor 30 days. 

TWAT: Can't you change it?

CP: If you ask me. Nicely. Before you pick up at 6 minutes to close. But you should start with the provider's office. Since, you know, they are responsible for sending you new Rx's. Start at the top. You could also, and I know this is crazy, call me before you pickup; like when you get the text, and ask "Hey, new person, is my Rx phor 30 or 90 days?" and I could phix it then before you get here. You know, take ownership of your Rx. You have only a few to remember. I cannot remember the special requests of 1000 patients and notes don't always work. Be better. Treat yourself better.  

TWAT: I guess I have to get used to the new way. 

CP: I've been here 9 months. We've been telling you this phor 9 months. That statement tells me definitively that you haven't been paying attention AND that you still think you are more important and entitled than anyone else. I can't help the other pharmacist mollycoddled you. Get off your high horse and learn YOUR Rx is YOUR responsibility. And stop coming in right at close. It's rude and I'm less likely to help you. 

Safety (Flu Shot) Dance

We give shots cuz we want to 

We give shots of every kind

CVS gives shots and Walgreens gives shots

With others not phar behind

 

Now, you can go where you want to

For that shot you need today

If you don't pick me you know I won't be upset

By missing my goals this way 

And we give shots

(SHOTS!)

 

You can come when you want to 

We are open till really late

Get your tetanus shot with the prevar and flu

Like the Q-Tips out for a Shingrix date

 

And, we give shots cuz we have to 

If we don't, someone else will

Or you can get Hep A or even the Hep B

Just in case you are needing them still

Now say, we give shots, we give shots

COVID is now on the list

We give shots, we give shots

And making sure no one gets missed

We give shots, we give shots

Other places say they give "jabs"

We give shots, we give shots

I prefer to call them the "stabs"

Oy vey, we give shots, we give shots 

Nothing else matters at all

We give shots, we give shots

And no we can't answer that call

We give shots, we give shots

No way for me to check your script

We give shots, we give shots

Lack of help leaves us ill-equipped

Flu shot dance

Ah hell, the flu shot dance

Ah shit, the flu shot dance

We give shots cuz we have to 

Have patience and you'll get yours

Doesn't matter if you hurry, no one's got to worry

You'll get yours in just no time

 

I say, we give shots cuz we have to

They make us give more every day

Because others give shots and and since we give shots

Well, we need paid today. 

10.1.3

Fungal In The Jungle 2nd Look

Fungal in the jungle, it gets worse here every day

Itchin' out like an animal, this ain't the time to play

You may think you want to go to the bushes down below

I must warn you now honey, my answer is no

It's all fungal, fungal in the jungle

Discharge all like c-c-c-c-ottage cheese, cheese,

But at least it's odour-free 

Fungal in the jungle, it's been burning night and day

Burns so much when I try to pee, please make it just go away

Although sexy time is here and my needs I aim to please

Until this goes away, the lips say none of these

It's all fungal, fungal in the jungle 

If you, you, you, can understand

Oof, uh, best use your hand

Fungal in the jungle, the burning makes me scream 

I need my doc to write Diflucan case the creams don't work phor me

Itchin' discharge vulvar pain and rash all affect my naughty bits

Just buy some Terazol okay and hope it starts to phix this shit

It's all fungal, fungal in the jungle

Discharge all like c-c-c-c-ottage cheese, cheese,

But at least it's odour-free 

With Candida, you never ever wanna go down

Go down, go down go down, yeah

You know what you got?

Fungal in the jungle baby, you wanna die

It's all fungal, fungal in the jungle

Discharge all like c-c-c-c-ottage cheese, cheese,

It's all fungal, fungal in the jungle

Hope you, you, you, you can understand

Fungal, fungal in the jungle

Discharge all like c-c-c-c-ottage cheese, cheese,

Down in the jungle, fungal in the jungle

Itchin' burnin' for you

You don't wanna go down, nah

I Don't Wanna Hold Your Hand III

CP: Okay, I one more phor you. 

CPP: Just one?

CP: Phor this week at least. 

CPP: Is there a set up or you just going in dry?

CP: When my dad first described cruise control to me, that the car would "drive itself at the same speed", I was optimistic he could come back and hang out with us. I was a few decades premature on my optimism. 

CPP: You have to understand the limits of technology?

CP: And understand I was a tiny tyke and not an adult. 

CPP: Away we go. . . 

 

CP: CP's Castle of Pills, How can I please?

Granny Acting Hopeless: You gave me the wrong strips. 

CP: Guess the pleasure ship sailed. 

GAH!: You gave me OneTouch Ultra and I use Ultrasoft. 

CP: Test strips?

GAH!: Yes!

CP: Ultrasoft Test Strips?

GAH!: That's what I said. And they don't work in my machine.

CP: Ultrasoft are lancets. 

GAH!: No. I have a Verio Meter and these are Ultrasoft and they keep giving me an error. 

CP: You keep giving me an error. Do you a Verio AND AN Ultra meter? 

GAH!: Yes. But I don't like the Ultra. 

CP: Do you have the box we gave you?

GAH!: Yes. 

CP: What is the Rx number on the box?

GAH!: 8675309

CP: That number is phor your Ultrasoft.

GAH!: That's what I said. 

CP: Those are lancets. 

GAH!: I know what they are. I have the box right here. 

CP: Ok. Read me the box. 

GAH!: It says Ultrasoft and I use Verio test strips. See?

CP: No. I cannot see through the phone. Unfortunately, that is not a skill I was afforded when the genie came calling. (Turned out it was a djinn.) I can't help you read something over the phone. I can't see which box(es) you are looking at. I cannot see what you see. Unless you wish to bring in your boxes for me to review with you, I cannot help you read. 

Something's Wrong

First Call of the Day. . .  

CP: Welcome to the Monday-Dome!

Very Amiss Gel Needling Lady: There's no tube thing in my Metronidazole box. 

CP: Well there wouldn't be. It's the topical gel. The hard copy reads: "topical gel to apply topically". 

VAGNL: How do I get it down there. 

CP: You don't. It's a topical usually used on your face; for rosacea. 

VAGNL: If I put it on my face, how will it work down there?

CP: It won't. You need to call your doctor to send over the correction. 

VAGNL: Why didn't that pharmacist tell me? 

CP: Tell you what? 

VAGNL: This was different?

CP: We don't know why it was prescribed. We don't know why you went to the doctor. It's not from a gynecologist. It's not written to be used vaginally. There's no diagnosis code on it. This checks all of the boxes for a valid prescription. When we asked if you had questions you replied with "I've been using this for years". 

Why are the doctors let off the hook and free from blame? *

 

*No, it's not the fault of a lack of counseling. Please stop blaming that. Perhaps these were delivered. Maybe they were mailed. Maybe a family member retrieved them. Focus on the mistake made by the prescriber and her poor use of the e-scribing technology. Sometimes, an error by a doctor is an error by a doctor. She's not an Ob/Gyn Kenobi and this was not indicated for the Fungal in the Jungle. 

#StopExcusingOtherProfessionsErrors

Well it's fungal, in the jungle

And it itches, twixt thine knees

Now you're cream filled, like cannoli 

So quit bitchin' if you please

(My apologies to Jethro Tull)

It Means In The Phuture

Schedule: to plan for a certain date:

Appointment: a meeting set for a specific time or place:

CP: Greetings, sir. How may I turn our conversation into a post today?

Doesn't Understand The Concept Here: <presents covid vaccine record card> 

CP: Pretty. 

DUTCH: I'd like to schedule an appointment. 

CP: <Knowing how this will go, thereby baiting> Phor?

DUTCH: A covid booster. 

CP: Okay. And which one?

DUTCH: Da Booster. 

CP: Da Bears. 

DUTCH: Huh?

CP: Which Booster?

DUTCH: The new one. 

CP: <tired of this game already> And which day works best phor you. Phor your appointment?

DUTCH: Now. 

CP: Sorry?

DUTCH: Now. I'd like it now. 

CP: Mayhap you misunderstand the concept of both "scheduling" and "appointment". To schedule means to plan phor a phuture date. Phuture, as in not today, let alone not forthwith. Appointment is an agreed upon time in the phuture where we conduct business. You are expecting a walk in vaccine. 

DUTCH: So can you do it now?

CP: No. As you clearly expected, our covid boosters are by appointment only. Which requires scheduling. Phor the phuture. Uber Tech here will gladly assist you with this. 

CPP: Every day I am reminded of the guy who asked: "Why didn't you call me to tell me my doctor didn't call you?".

CP: Under the heading "Stupidest Things People Have Actually Said", that's a Top 5 candidate. 

CPP: What's one of your faves?

CP: Not as noteworthy, but one that happens daily is "why didn't my doctor . . . ?" as if I know why anyone does or does not do anything. 

CPP: Do you have a story?

CP: Did Argentina lose this morning?

CP: Picking up today?

Help Understanding Needed Here: I should have two. 

CP: It appears I only have one today. 

HUNH: I requested two and you had to call the office. 

CP: I see that we did. The office renewed the one prescription but they have yet to approve the second one. 

HUNH: Why?

CP: <shrugs> Not sure. That's a question phor your doctor and the office. 

HUNH: Hunh. I requested them at the same time. 

CP: <shrugs>

HUNH: Ok. I'll take this one. 

CP: Good. Since that's the only one I have. 

HUNH: "Can you check your computer again and find out why my doctor didn't call this one in?"

CP: NO. 

HUNH: <stares blankly, dumbfounded>

CP: Say that sentence back to yourself, then think about it. I can no more tell you why he didn't approve this one than I can tell you why someone to whom you sent a text left you on "read". 

HUNH: Hunh?

CP: You go to someone's house, knock on their door, and they don't answer. This would be like you walking across the street and asking a neighbour why they didn't answer. Maybe they thought you were a Jehovah's Witness, the Land Shark, maybe they're all dead inside, maybe they weren't actually home. Who knows? Either way, I can't tell you why someone else didn't respond. Mayhap you should call the people who CAN answer that, the office, instead of giving me dirty looks. 

HUNH: You're a strange one. 

CP: And now you know why no one answered when you rang their bell and people leave you on "read". 

Not Helping

CPP: How was your weekend?

CP: Great. Except for the twat at the pediatrician's office. 

CPP: Oh? Do tell. 

CP: Hello! It's CP calling to ask if I can change this Amoxicillin 400mg Rx to something else I have in stock. I do hav. . . 

Answering Service Shite: Some pharmacies have it. 

CP: Ok. Well I just received this and it's Saturday at 2:45 and the patient is only 18 months and I . . . 

ASS: Nope. We don't change these. Some pharmacies have it and it's the parents' job to find it. 

CP: Wow. You don't care about your pediatric patients. I see how . . . 

ASS: WE DO! It is out there and parents can find it. 

CP: Okay. Which pharmacies have it?

ASS: I don't know. It's the parents' job to find it. 

CP: But it's been on backorder for months. I have some Cefdinir and Augmentin ES and. . . 

ASS: We're. Not. Changing. It. 

CP: No need to be such bitch. I'll make sure to tell mom when you she gets here that you don't care if her baby, who had to come see you Saturday afternoon, gets her medication. Some places close soon. But I guess you don't care. 

ASS: I'm calling your boss. 

CP: To say what, exactly? How you, a pediatric office twat refused to help our mutual patient? I can't wait to see how this plays out for you. <click>

CPP: Damn!
CP: IKR?

CPP: Did you just vocally orate IKR? 

CP: IDK. .

CPP: Sorry she was such a twatwaffle. We shouldn't have to deal with this shit. I can't get a part for my car. This has been going on since June. I get it. But an antibiotic for a baby?

CP: And she already made up her mind she wasn't going to help. 

#PhuckYourPediatrician 

#ItsAboutThePatientYouDumbCunt 

We Talk

CPP: What are two things you would like people to know they may not know about their pharmacy/pharmacists?

CP: After the story I'm about to tell you, my two facts are these:

1. Pharmacists talk to each other, like women out phor girls night. 

2. If YOU have the same problem(s) at every pharmacy YOU visit, perhaps the problem isn't the pharmacy. YOU are the lowest common denominator. 

CPP: I take it you had an incident recently? 

CP: Indeed I did. It's nothing spectacular, but it caused me to head to twitter to send out both of these phun pharmacy tidbits. 

CPP: Let us hear it. 

<overheard on phone> Uber-Tech: Uh-huh. Yes. We will call them and transfer your 5 medications phor you. Yes. I'll call you with your copays when we get them. Uh-huh. Okay. Tschuss. 

CP: This sounds like a phun transfer. 

UT: He complained he's tired of his old pharmacy not telling him what he's picking up when he goes to the pharmacy. 

CP: Huh? 

UT: Apparently they don't tell him what's in the bag. 

CP: Wait. He placed an order phor refills

UT: uh-huh

CP: phor his 5 refills

UT: uh-huh

CP: which are the only medications he takes, 

UT: uh-huh

CP: And he complained they don't tell him what's in the bag?

UT: You got it. 

CP: He's a grown-ass adult. Does he place an order for fast food then ask them to verify the two cheeseburgers, fries, and apple pie are in the bag? He placed the order. If he wants to know what's in the bag

UT: What's in the BOX?!

CP: what's in the bag, all he has to do is ask

UT: Or look

CP: Right?!

UT: What happened when you called phor the transfer?

CP: They said the same thing. They said he complained "you don't tell me what's in the bag when I'm picking up".

UT: And you told them? 

CP: Boy's a grown ass man. He takes 5 medications and they all come due together. He's picking up 5 refills he initiated. What does he think is in the bag?

UT: WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!

CP: Cute. 

#IfYoureAnAssholeWeWillKnowBeforeYouGetHere

#YesWeTalkAboutYou 

#SometimesYouGetBadCustomerServiceBecauseYouAreABadCustomer 

The White One

CP: CP's Palace O' Peril. How may you frustrate me today?

The White One Doesn't Understand Me: I put my medications in my pill box and I have two white ones that I found left over and I don't know what they are. 

CP: Okay. Let me pull up your profile. 

TWO DUM: I'm not sure if I got them from you or another pharmacy but I don't want to take anything I don't know what it is. 

CP: If you're putting them in your medication box, aren't you supposed to be taking them? 

TWO DUM: Well I found them. 

CP: Phine. Do you have the bottles from this endeavour? 

TWO DUM: No. I put them in the box then threw them away. 

CP: Smart. Ok. Well, I pulled up your profile and we have never philled anything phor you. 

TWO DUM: Well I really need to know what these are. Can't you help me?

CP: I can. If I had your profile I could narrow down the possibilities. What are the markings on the tablets?

TWO DUM: One has a line and a "K" on one side; the other has no markings at all. 

CP: The one with no markings is an OTC product, usually a vitamin or antihistamine. 

TWO DUM: So what are they?

CP: I can't tell you what the no-marking tablet is. And the other came back with over 30 results. What medications do you take?

TWO DUM: Loratadine and a bunch more. 

CP: Then the plain white one is Loratadine. 

TWO DUM: What is the other one?

CP: I don't know. I need more information. Tell me what you take. 

TWO DUM: Can't you just list them?

CP: Ma'am, there are over 30 results that are white tablets with a "k" on one side. I am not going to list them all. What do you take? 

TWO DUM: <lists 7 medications, all capsules and coloured tablets> Why can't you help me?

CP: How many white medications do you take? 

TWO DUM: I only take 2 white tablets. 

CP: Here's a riddle phor you: I have two coins in my pocket, the sum of which is $0.30. One of the coins is NOT a quarter. What are the two coins? 

TWO DUM: I don't get it. 

CP: Once you do, then you'll be able to identify the medications all by yourself. Adieu. 

*she gave me A number on the back but wasn't sure it was correct. So I did try to narrow the options a bit. 

A Man Walks In To A Pharmacy. . .

CP: <at pick up window> Welcome to The Black Parade. Are you picking up today?

Man Off Street Doesn't Understand Much: <standing directly facing a large neon sign that blinks and reads "FLU SHOTS ---> Next Window> I'm here for a fu shot. 

CP: <looks at sign> Then you are in the wrong spot, my phriend. They shall take care of you at the next window. 

MOS DUM: <walks to other counter> FLU SHOT!

UT: So I heard. Please complete the paperwork and I shall bill your insurance while the pharmacist prepares your shot. Which arm do you prefer? 

MOS DUM: Don't care. 

UT: <looks at the 7 layers of clothing he is wearing> Just make sure to have one of them available phor the pharmacist. 

CP: <walks out to see MOS DUM still fully clothed> I need an arm, sir. 

MOS DUM: "WHAT? No one told me I needed to dress differently to get a flu shot! This is an outrage! I'm calling corporate to complain about you people. You should have told me before I came in that I needed to wear short sleeves or whatever." 

CP: I'm sorry, but what? You literally walked in off the street and asked phor a phlu shot. You didn't call or schedule an appointment. You are a grown ass man. How did you think we were going to administer a SHOT? You've had vaccines before so this isn't a new concept. But again, I ask, you walked in off the street and are mad because we didn't call you at home, to tell you to dress better, before you randomly decided "today's the day I'm getting a flu shot"? Is that correct? Am I hearing you correctly?

MOS DUM: This is ridiculous!

CP: I could not agree more. I bet you randomly walk in to an oil change place and ask for an oil change. . . without your car. Do you go to a restaurant and complain, when asked to pay, that no one from Burger King called you aforehand to bring some sort of payment? 

#WhyYourPharmacistHatesYou

#AdultingIsHard 

#GTFO 

#WeNeedAHotlineToComplainAboutPeople 

Unsolicited Interruptive "Advice"

<overheard conservation at the counter between UT and a Flu Shot Inquiring Talker>

FLUSH-IT: I would like a flu shot. 

UT: I just need you to complete this form for me. 

FLUSH-IT: Okay. Can I also get my Covid Booster? Or should I wait?

UT: You can get both. . . 

Totally Random Old Lady Lurking In Aisle: Huh-uh. No. You shouldn't do that. 

UT: Bitch? Dafuq?

FLUSH-IT: Why? 

TROLLIA: My niece got them both. She never does that but she did and she got sick for like two days. Couldn't move her arms or nothing. 

UT: Probably an exaggeration but. . . 

FLUSH-IT: Um. 

TROLLIA: I mean I wouldn't do it. But "everyone is different, except me. I'm not". 

CP: Did she actually say "everyone is different but I'm not"? 

UT: Uh-huh. 

CP: Hunh. 

UT: So about those shots?

FLUSH-IT: Yeah. I'll get both. 

CP: I think, after I retire, I'm going to go hang out in random pharmacies and start eavesdropping on counter conversations. Then I can offer unsolicited advice when people ask questions. 

UT: Except you'll know what you're talking about. 

CP: No one will care. They'll take it regardless because I am a random eavesdropper and everyone appreciates the "hot tip" from a stranger. 

UT: Stop calling it a "hot tip" and trying to force it on strangers. 

CP: What? I have received no complaints about my flu shots. 

UT: Mmm-hmm. 

Helping By Not Helping?

CP: CP's Playhouse. How may I help patronise you?

Pissed Off Offensive Person Yelling: Your other store hasn't been answering their phones all day. 

CP: Huh. 

POOPY: Do you know why?

CP: No. I don't work there. Maybe they're busy. Phone issues? The pharmacy exploded? 

POOPY: Can't you call them? 

CP: I don't know. I haven't tried. I have no reason to call them. 

POOPY: To find out why they aren't answering their phones. 

CP: And how do you propose I do that? I have the same phone number you do. You want me to call them to ask why they aren't answering their phones?

POOPY: Yes. 

CP: Sounds silly when you say it out loud. Go ahead. Say it out loud. 

POOPY: Don't you have a back line or something?

CP: The Bat Phone is broken. Even if it worked, it would still be a phone call. I can send a carrier pigeon if you like? 

POOPY: Don't you have like the internet or texting or something to reach them? 

CP: I have the same resources available to me as you do. If I could reach them, so could you. 

POOPY: I need my refill. 

CP: Have you tried visiting the store, in person? Discovering the issue for yourself? You sound like you have a lot of time on your hands to call them all day, then call other stores to have us do the same phor you. 

POOPY: You're not being helpful. 

CP: I offered to fill your refill for you. I suggested you visit the store or enter your refills via text or app and you are unsatisfied with my answers. I have helped you but you have refused to take my help. It is at this time I believe you are beyond help and I decline further assistance. I now bid you adieu. Tag! 

Uber Tech: We should call a store in another state and do this to them. 

CP: Phor Phunsies! 

I'm Going With No

CP: Welcome to the Thunderdome! How may I battle you today?

Lady Only Making One Tougher In Life: I need to call in my refills. 

CP: We do those here. <shaking head no> Do you have the numbers?

LOMOTIL: No. 

CP: No worries. I shall look them up phor you. 

LOMOTIL: Thanks. 

CP: When did you want to come in phor these?

LOMOTIL: Oh it doesn't matter; tonight or tomorrow. 

CP: Ok. It's 2:33 right now and I will have them ready phor you any time after 4:01 today. 

LOMOTIL: Can you call me?

CP: What do you wish me to call you?

LOMOTIL: No, when they're ready. Can you call me?

CP: Do you get texts?

LOMOTIL: Sometimes. 

CP: They will be ready any time after 4:01 today. 

LOMOTIL: So you can't call?

CP: Why would I? I already told you they would be ready after 4:01 today. There is no need to call. Maybe you receive the text, maybe you don't. They will still be ready after 4:01pm today whether I call or not. When the Chinese place tells you your phood will be ready in 10-15 minutes, you don't ask them to call you. Unless you do. Do you?

LOMOTIL: No. Of course not. 

CP: That's what I thought. See you any time after 4:01 today. Or tomorrow. Which is still after 4:01 today. 

Does Not Phollow

CP: I like non sequitur. 

CPP: The comic, or the phrase itself?

CP: Both, actually. 

CPP: Why is this your thought phor today?

CP: This conversation:

CP: CP's Palisade of Pills where we fills refills with pills for bills. How may I help you?

I Think So For It's Near Empty: I need this refill. 

CP: I see that you are out of refills. We can phax your do. . . 

ITS FINE: That's okay. Just go ahead and fill it. 

CP: You have no refills phor me to refill, or phill. Phor that I shall phax your doc. . . 

ITS FINE: No. It's okay. Thanks. You can just fill it and I'll be over later. 

CP: Ma'am. I don't need your permission. I need your provider's authorisation. 

ITS FINE: She'll say it's fine. It's fine. I'll be by later. Thanks. <click>

CPP: She asked for a refill then gave you permission to "just fill it" after you explained there were no refills. 

CP: That is correct. 

CPP: Hence the "non sequitur". Did she come in?

CP: She did. 

CPP: Did you fill it?

CP: I did not. 

CPP: Was she surprised?

CP: She was. 

CPP: What was your reply? 

CP: The provider wrote "refill not appropriate, patient needs appointment". 

CPP: LOL!

CP: Some stories have happy endings. 

No. It's Your Phault

CP: CP's Drachm-A-Rama. How may I help you?

Nurse On Call Lecturing Using Ego: I'm calling back about a message we received the other day?

CP: Ok. What message? I don't have a note from the weekend. 

NOCLUE: No clue. I just had a message to call about this patient's Medrol Dose Pak. 

CP: Oh. Well that's not what the prescription said. It was for Medrol 4mg to take 3 tablets for 1 dose; written to dispense 3 tablets. 

NOCLUE: It was supposed to be a Dose Pak. It's the system's fault. 

CP: Well, I see here that we received 3 prescriptions for Medrol, each for the 4mg: one for 3 tablets, one for 2 tablets, and one for 1 tablet. That's not Dose Pak directions. 

NOCLUE: Yeah. Our system keeps making this mistake. 

CP: Well fortunately, our pharmacist over the weekend was smarter than you and your system and was able to correctly fill the prescription for the patient as: Medrol 4mg. Take 3 tabs (12mg) for 1 day, 2 tabs (8mg) for 1 days, then 1 tab (4mg) for 1 day. 

NOCLUE: Yes. 12, 8, and 4mg. 

CP: That's not the computer's phault, that's user error. Sometimes you have to be smarter than the software. If you keep having these issues, perhaps you need to retrain your staff and get some remedial training on the program. Many other offices use this successfully and aren't irritated when the pharmacy calls to verify the garbage you sent to us. 

UT: There's nothing worse than someone being so wrong yet so convinced of their correctness. 

CP: At least they don't suffer from their delusions. That's our lot in life. 

UT: #NoRespect 

CP: Hey, that's my line. 

Please Phix

Uber-Tech: Hey, check out these directions. 

CP: Nice. Another provider undone by the complexity of their e-script software. 

UT: Yeah. Really difficult to enter directions when it asks for directions. 

CP: I shall call. This should be phun. 

Silly Lady Answering Phones: Dr. Zoffis. How may I help you?

CP: I am calling because I need a prescription corrected and resent and someone to give your provider a lesson in how to use the software. 

SLAP: What seems to be the problem?

CP: Read the directions. 

SLAP: Simvastatin 40mg. Okay?

CP: No. I'm not a baby; I don't need them read TO me. I am asking you to read them to yourself and see the problem. 

SLAP: Ok. 

CP: Phine. Can you have the prescriber resend it with directions that are actual directions? 

SLAP: What should it say?

CP: How about "Take 1 tablet by mouth daily at bedtime"? Period. 

SLAP: Okay. Can I give it to you orally?

CP: You can, but I'm sure someone would get in trouble. I mean, we only just met and you'd have to come here after work and it's a whole thing so if you could just have the prescriber resend an electronic version, I think that would be easiest phor all. 

UT: I can't believe you. 

CP: What? She started it. 

<2 hours later>

UT: <laughing> Well, we received the "corrected" version. 

CP: Pretty much what I expected. 

Book Of Revelations

CPP: What is something you wish people would understand before calling the pharmacy?

CP: Just because your bottle is empty does not mean you are out of medication. 

CPP: Example?

Say That Again But Slower: I need a refill. 

CP: You do not. 

STABS: I do. 

CP: You do not. We refilled you Rx 17 days ago; you still have 13 days remaining. 

STABS: I just emptied my bottle into my weekly pill pack and there are no pills in the bottle. Empty.  

CP: <whispers> thanks for defining "empty" phor me. But can yo. . . 

STABS: I don't have any left. 

CP: You said you took them phrom the bottle and placed them in a weekly pill pack? 

STABS: Yes. 

CP: I'm going to need you to say that again, but slower. 

STABS: <draws it out for effect because I am apparently stupid, not him> I. took. them. from. the. bottle. and. put. them. in. a. pill. pack. 

CP: So you still have medication. 

STABS: Yes. but my bottle is empty. 

CP: But you simply relocated them; rehomed them, if you will. You are still in possession of medication to get you through the next 13 days until your refill is due, yes? 

STABS: I guess. Yes. I see what you mean. 

CP: Just because your bottle is empty, does not mean you are out of medication. 

CPP: Good one. Another, perhaps?

CP: You know me. 

CPP: What's this one titled?

CP: Stay home. 

CPP: Let's hear it. 

Yes, Every Patient: I wish I could get everything on the same day. 

CP: Boy, do I have good news phor you!

YEP: You do?

CP: Yep. You CAN!

YEP: I can?!

CP: Yep. 

YEP: How?

CP: Stay home!

YEP: What?

CP: Don't come in the second you receive a call or text or carrier pigeon. If/when you receive that communication, call in the rest of your refills, or call us and ask what was filled. We keep them filled for 10-13 days (depending on whom you ask and the phase of the moon) so they can stay here where they are safe phrom harm until you are ready to adopt them and bring them to their new permanent, forever home. 

YEP: But I'm down there anyway. 

CP: Then don't complain. Otherwise, your refill dates are calculated on your pickup dates since our system is at least smart enough to know that, if the medications are still in my Will Call Bin, you can't be taking them. Call them in. Wait. Then wait some more. Unless you get the "you have until tomorrow" phone call, then come forthwith. But outside of that, save yourself a trip. Stay Home. Just because your phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it. Just because you saw the smoke signals and semaphores does not mean you have to run immediately to the pharmacy. Seriously, stay home. 

CPP: To quote Xavier McDaniel in the movie Singles: "Steve, don't come yet". 

CP: That's great. But that's a 30 year old movie and most people won't recognise it.

CPP: Do you have more of these Revelations?

CP: Indeed I do. 

CPP: Let's have another round. 

CP: This is just a simple FYI, a PSA, if you will. 

CPP: Ok. Let's hear it. 

CP: May I have your attention please? You do not have to bring your bottle to the pharmacy for your refill.

Asked And Answered

CP: What do we like least?

MICE ELF: Repeating ourselves, whether by answering the same question or having to redo work we've already completed. 

ME: Great trait for working retail. 

CP: Quiet. It's about more than just repeating answers that won't change. Toddlers that continue asking "why" are more tolerable than adults who believe if they keep asking, maybe I'll change my answer; as if I haven't already considered every alternative. 

MICE ELF: Sounds phair. I remember the post you wrote about how everything before the "but" in a conversation is meaningless. 

ME: Yeah. Does this mean that everything asked after the period in your statement is meaningless as well?

CP: That would be correct. Do you know what time it is?

MICE ELF: I'm not phalling phor that. The answer is no. 

CP: Correct. It would not do me any good to say "but you're wearing a watch" or "there's a clock on your computer" or "can't you check your phone?" since I asked you a yes or no question. 

ME: Simple logic. 

MICE ELF: What happened to bring this conversation about again?

CP: More stupid questions. Allow me to illustrate. 

CP: CP's Palace of Dreams and Drachms. How may I help you?

Mail Order Refill Out Now: I forgot to request my refill on time from mail order and now it's going to be late. Can you give me some to get me through?

CP: Have we ever philled this prescription phor you at this pharmacy?

MORON: I don't think so. 

CP: <Checks computer> No. No we have not. Since I do not have a valid prescription phor you, I cannot phill this medication or give you any. Call your doctor, have him send a new prescription to me and I can phill it and you can be satisfied and on your way. Period.

MORON: Can I bring you my bottle to prove I'm taking it?

CP: No. 

MORORN: Can you call mail order to transfer my final refill?

CP: You mean the one you requested late that is now in process and which they won't be able to transfer to me since they are actually using it? No. 

MORON: Can you call my doctor to request a refill?

CP: No. Since I have never filled this phor you, I cannot request a refill since the operative part of that word is re-, as in to phill again. 

MORON: Can you just put some in my old bottle? 

CP: No. And I am not doing this anymore. I have provided you with the answer to your question: No. I then, out of the goodness of my heart, provided the exact steps necessary to allow you to get what you ultimately needed - a medication fill to hold you over until your late-requested refill arrives. This satisfies my obligation to you. My answers will not change just because you do not like them. Since I know you heard me, this means it must be a comprehension issue. Therefore, I will repeat my instructions, then bid you good day: Call your doctor. Ask for them to send a refill to me. I will phill it. All will be well. Period. Good Day. <click>

Be Nice

CPP: What is one request you have, whether it's in retail or other interactions with humans?

CP: Be nice. 

CPP: Sounds simple. 

CP: It is. I wrote a post years ago about how there are two types of people who make an impression on you: nice people and assholes. When the phone rings, and businesses have Caller ID, don't be the asshole that causes the employees to play "nose goes"; same can be said phor when we see your phace bouncing down the aisles toward us. 

CPP: You're either memorable in a positive or a negative way?

CP: Or you fly under the radar because you're just being a decent, pleasant human being. 

CPP: I get the sense there is a negative story coming. 

CP: Right your are, Ken. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Drachm-A-Rama. Are you picking up?

Totally Witchy Ass Twat: Duh. That's why I'm in the pickup line. 

CP: Oh. It's going to be one of these interactions, is it?

TWAT: I'm here to pick up for my husband. 

CP: Ok. I just need your ID so I can scan it into the register. <holds out hand to receive said ID>

TWAT: <drops ID on counter under outstretched hand>

CP: <Stares at TWAT and continues holding out hand>

TWAT: WHAT? IT'S RIGHT THERE!

CP: As i my hand. I placed it there so you would be able to place it in my hand, so I wouldn't have to pick it up and so I could politely return it to you. I'm not a servant and you will treat me respect. Now put it in my hand. 

TWAT: This is ridiculous. 

CP: I know. Who knew being polite was so difficult.

TWAT: <retrieves ID from counter and slams it into my hand>

CP: I've only met you twice since I've been at this location and you have always been this rude to my staff. I truly look forward to waiting on you. 

TWAT: I bet you do. You haven't been so nice either. 

CP: Right. Expecting you to be a decent human is a tall order. Next time be nice or don't come here. I will train you to be a better patient or I will dismiss you phrom my store. 

TWAT: <scoffs and slams everything into her bag>

CP: Sometimes you get bad customer service because you're a bad customer. 

CPP: Please tell me you ended that with "now go away or I shall taunt you a second time"?

CP: I just smiled broadly and waved like Forrest Gump greeting Lt. Dan. 

#BeNice 

#YouGetTheExperienceYouDeserve 

#DontBeATwat 

My Own Research

CP: I miss the toddler years. 

CPP: Your own?

CP: Yes, and watching children through that age. 

CPP: Why? 

CP: Because they always want to try things on their own. "I can do it all by myself" is a common refrain. 

CPP: Good for them. That's how they learn. 

CP: And there comes a certain point where you learn things you can do and things you can't do; to trust experts either to show you or teach you, or to do the work for you. That's why we pay professionals. 

CPP: Except pharmacists. We don't get paid for our brains. 

CP: Right. But we, like other professionals, know a lot and people still come to us for our wisdom. 

CPP: Why is today's theme "My Own"? 

CP: Besides these songs? My Own Prison, My Own Worst Enemy, My Own Summer (Shove It)? There are some times when doing things on your own is ill-advised, counterproductive, or a waste of time. 

CPP: And today's story?

CP: A waste of time. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Drachm-A-Rama Bait and Tackle and Pharmaceuticals. How may I help you?

Fairly Rash And Not Knowledgeable: Did my doctor call in my prescription?

CP: She did. 

FRANK: How much does it cost?

CP: $36.00

FRANK: For a cream for my face?

CP: Yes. 

FRANK: My doctor said this would help. 

CP: She is a dermatologist, this is her bailiwick. 

FRANK: I'm not sure if I'm going to get it. 

CP: Due to cost? Or something else?

FRANK: "I'm going to do more research. I don't want my face to get worse."

CP: <makes actual air quotes> "More research?" Of what kind? You went to a doctor, a specialist in the field of Dermatology, a doctor who diagnosed your condition based on her expertise in this field of specialty, who told you to get this prescription filled and it would help and yet you "are going to do more research"? What, pray tell, will this involve that supplants this doctor and her educational expertise and years of practice?

FRANK: I just want to make sure it's safe. 

CP: Ok. Let me know what you decide. 

CPP: Did she get it?

CP: Yeah. About half an hour later. 

CPP: Exhaustive research, that. 

CP: Indeed. People take longer to research their lottery numbers and the samples for their cheeseboards than she did. 

CPP: You were most persuasive. 

CP: I like to think so. 

How Do You Explain Free?

CP: Remember the guy who complained that his copay was $0.00?

CPP: Yeah. Didn't he say something along the lines of "I don't need a handout. I PAY for my stuff."?

CP: That's the guy. 

CPP: What happened this time?

CP: The asterisk. 

CPP: The asterisk? Oh. Oh yeah. The asterisk is a bitch; gets people all the time. Why do they make them so small on those advertisements?

CP: Marketing 101 - size matters.

CPP: Ok. Let's hear it.

Dude In A Rush Really Heeding Every Ad: I saw your sign. 

CP: Did it open up your eyes?

DIARRHEA: Huh?

CP: You'll have to be more specific as we have more signs than Dolores Umbridge had Proclamations. 

DIARRHEA: I saw your ad for flu shots. 

CP: And you thought to yourself "today is the day"!

DIARRHEA: I did.

CP: Have you filled prescriptions with us before?

DIARRHEA: I have not. 

CP: Okay. I just need to see your insurance card. 

DIARRHEA: The sign said "free". 

CP: It did. It still does, in fact. 

DIARRHEA: <stares vacantly>

CP: It's free to you, but someone pays; and it's not me. 

DIARRHEA: I have Medicare. 

CP: Right. So they, as your insurance provider, are paying the cost; ipso facto it is "free". 

DIARRHEA: I don't understand. Your sign says it's free. 

CP: If your copay on a medication is zero, you pay nothing. It still costs to fill it and bill and put medication from the big bottle into the little bottle, but those costs are paid by your insurance, Medicare in this case. Free to you does not mean without cost. Again, someone is paying for it. 

DIARRHEA: I'll wait until I learn more. 

CP: Interesting takeaway phrom this conversation.

CPP: He didn't get the shot?

CP: Nope. 

CPP: Because he didn't understand the concept of free?

CP: Yes. 

CPP: Is this the first year flu shots have been available in pharmacies? 

CP: You would think every year is the first year. Oh, and remember about a decade ago when I started writing this page how I mentioned Flu Shots would become the next "impulse buy" at checkout?

CPP: Yes. You were most prescient. 

EVERYwhere, Did You Say?

CPP: What are today's musings, CP?

CP: Adults "look" for things the same way kids "look" for things: <child/teen opens fridge door, looks at the first 3 inches of space, doesn't see what they seek, closes door and complains "we're out of xxx...">

CPP: Very true. And?

CP: People don't read. Most CAN, but it's a choice to NOT. 

CPP: I take it these two facts are somehow related? 

CP: Indeed they are. 

CP: Thank you phor calling CP's Drachm-a-Rama, how may I help you?

Verily I Looked Everywhere, Like I'm Exhausted: I can't find my Losartan. 

CP: I'm not sure how calling me can help you phind it. I work at the pharmacy, I don't do search-and-rescue. 

VILE LIE: I just finished filling my pill box for the week and I have no more Losartan. 

CP: That's strange. We just filled this phor you 9 days ago; the same day you signed phor it. It left the pharmacy in your hands so again, I am not sure how I may provide assistance; or why I am necessary for this conversation. 

VILE LIE:"I looked everywhere for them!"

CP: Did you, though? In your car? Under the bar? In the loo? Near your kazoo? On the shelf? Near the Christmas elf? Did you check your purse? Or near pages of verse? 

VILE LIE: I need my medication and I looked everywhere. Can I get more?

CP: You may always purchase more, provided there are refills remaining, but your insurance will not pay again so soon. 

VILE LIE: Why not? 

CP: They just paid for a 90 days supply 9 days ago. They're not inclined to pay phor your mistake. Seek, and ye shall phind. 

VILE LIE: I'll check again but you need to get me a refill. 

CP: Ok. I'm going to get back to work now and you can keep looking. Until you've exhausted all possibilities, you need not contact me again. I give it 2 hours before you call to tell me you found them. 

<3 hours later>

VILE LIE: I found them. 

CP: No shit. Amazing what happens when you ACTUALLY look EVERYWHERE. Of course you piqued my curiosity and I need to know the answer to the Mystery of the Missing Medication. 

VILE LIE: The reason I didn't find them is they're now green; they were white before. 

CP: Wait. Instead of looking at the label on the bottle that clearly reads: "LOSARTAN", you opened the bottle, looked at the tablets and said "Hmm, green, nope." then proceeded to call me, waste my time, then spend 3 more hours looking phor them?

VILE LIE: Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that. But no one told me they changed from white to green. 

CP: Is there a green sticker on the bottle? 

VILE LIE: Yes. 

CP: Does it read:" THIS IS THE SAME MEDICATION YOU HAVE BEEN GETTING COLOR, SIZE OR SHAPE MAY APPEAR DIFFERENT "?

VILE LIE: Yes. 

CP: Let me guess, you didn't read that either?

VILE LIE: No. 

CP: And this is why signs don't work. 

CPP: As you always say, "I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it phor you". 

CP: I can give you a sign, but I can't make you read it. . . or comprehend it.

Keep Your Doctor Out Of It

CPP: I miss the days when people trusted us. 

CP: I miss the days when people did their own jobs and didn't tell other people how I do mine. 

CPP: Oooh. What happened?

CP: Offices. Overstepping, as usual. Tired of "it'll be ready when you get there?". Had enough of "your pharmacy has to call us for your refills?" Let's try "phorget what your pharmacy told you, we know better. 

CPP: I pheel there is a story to illustrate this. 

CP: But of course. 

CPP: Don't call me a butt. 

 

CP: Hello. We received your new prescription for Novolog pens. 

She Thinks U Couldn't Know: What's my copay?

CP: Since this is a preferred item on your insurance's formulary, you have a zero copay. 

STUCK: So it's no charge?

CP: That is what zero means. Does it mean something different where you come from?

STUCK: Just making sure I don't have to pay. 

<fast forward to the next day>

STUCK: Did my doctor call in another prescription?

CP: Yes. For Humalog. But we still have the Novolog from yesterday. Why?

STUCK: Well the office called me this morning and said you couldn't fill my prescription and that my Novolog is no longer on formulary and that I have to switch to something else. 

CP: But I spoke with your yesterday. I filled the prescription and told you your copay was zero.

STUCK: Then why did my office call to tell me it wasn't covered? 

CP: As I do not work in their office, I cannot answer that question. Since I am the philler of the prescriptions and I, for the purpose of this discussion, spoke directly with your insurance who assured me there is no copay and this is the preferred medication, I would trust me over the office; the office that writes the prescriptions and knows naught of what I do here. Mayhap it would behoove you to ring them directly and ask them the same query? 

STUCK: I don't want to change from what has been working. 

CP: And you needn't. 

<Later that day>

CP: Did you phind out why your office is messing with your prescriptions? Or where they are receiving their information? 

STUCK: No. They just said it's no longer covered and I have to switch. 

CP: But I'm the pharmacist; I phill the prescriptions; I bill the insurance; I tell the office if something is not covered and initiate the message to the office alerting them to the requirement of a prior auth. None of these things happened. Your insurance covered the medication at no copay. 

STUCK: Can I still get my Novolog. 

CP: You poor poor dear. They really confused you, didn't they?

STUCK: Yes. 

CP: Phind a new doctor, one who leaves the hard stuff to the professionals. 

#TrustYourPharmacist

Sleep On It

CP: What is a "sleeping pill"?

ME: Well there's no such thing as a "pill" anymore so that's a bit of a misnomer. 

MICE ELF: Yeah, I mean sleeping "tablet" is more apropos. 

CP: Yes. We all know this. My question is phrased using the patient vernacular, not the professional one since this is how we receive queries phrom patients. So. . . ?

ME: A tablet that helps you fall asleep. 

MICE ELF: Like a Kindle? How about a medication designed to bring about drowsiness; a soporific, if you will. 

CP: Yes. Our interpretations of "sleeping pill/tablet/draught or soporific" are all the same. I used to believe everyone used these words to convey the same meaning; I discovered I am wrong. 

ME & MICE ELF: How so? 

CP: Yes. Apparently, it took the phollowing conversation to show me how wrong I have been all these years. 

 

Pt: I need my sleeping pill refilled. 

CP: Okay. What's the number or the name? 

Pt: I don't have the name; it's the one I take for sleep. 

CP: You mean the Ambien we filled last week?

Pt; Yeah. No. My doctor said that you gave me the wrong one. 

CP: But you do take Ambien, yes?

Pt: Yes. But my doctor said you gave me the wrong one; there is another. 

CP: You sounded like Yoda to Obi-Wan: "No. There is another". Do you know the name of this "other" sleeping tablet?

Pt: No. 

CP: I'm not seeing anything for sleep. 

Pt: It's for my restless legs. 

CP: Oh. You mean the carbidopa-levodopa? The Sinemet? 

Pt: That's it!

CP: No. It's not it. While it may help with your RLS and thereby allow you to sleep without twitching like my frogs in dissection lab, it is in no way ever considered a "sleeping tablet". 

Pt: But it helps me sleep. 

CP: Just because something helps you sleep does not make it a "sleeping tablet". Red Bull may give me wings, but in no way am I a pilot. 

 

ME: That's as bad as the people who cry "Do you know how important this medication is? Do you?"

CP: Nope. Please, educate me in the ways of the medication oh great "random-taker-of-something-someone-told-you-to-take-for-some-reason-you-are-misremembering". Please, educate the drug expert on drugs. I bet you explain to your plumber how to fix your toilet too, huh? 

MICE ELF: You're doing it wrong!

CP: I want to visit these people where they work.

#Confounded

#KnowYourMedicine 

#DontCorrectMeWhenIExplainWhyYouTakeThisMedication

Don't Count On It

CP: Are you picking up today?

I Can't Count Yet: Yes. I have 3 prescriptions. 

CP: Delightful. I show 3 as well. 

ICCY: Can I ring out my groceries here as well?

CP: I can do up to 6 items. That's 6 items or fewer. 

ICCY: Good. I have only five. Plus the three 12-packs of Dr. Pepper. 

CP: Last I checked 5+3=8, not 6. 

ICCY: Well Dr. Pepper is 3 for $10 so it only counts as one item. 

CP: No it doesn't. Doctors suck at math and even this Dr. Pepper would tell you 3 items for $10 still counts as 3 items. You're picking up 3 prescriptions. What if I only gave you one? You'd tell me I forgot two. 

ICCY: But it's 3 for $10; that's the deal. 

CP: The implied word you are omitting here is "items"; 3 ITEMS for $10. If the deal were 10 bottles of Iced Tea for $10, you'd be giving me 10 bottles, which, let's face it, is still much more than 6. You can't pick 6 sale deals and count that as one item each. You don't get to count certain items. 

ICCY: So I have to take them up front?

CP: Your math skills suck, but your listening comprehension works just phine.  

#WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong

I Always Wondered. . .

CPP: Uh-oh. You have that look on your phace. Penny phor your thoughts.

CP: I always wondered which group of people were the intended recipients of certain messages on phone prompts. 

CPP: Such as?

CP: ". . . if you require nothing else, you may simply hang up". Like, who doesn't know they can end a phone call by simply hanging up? 

CPP: Something tells me you found this someone? 

CP: I did. 

CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms. How may I help you?

This Woman Actually Thinks We Are Fully Focused on Lame Excuses: I called in for a refill and it suggested another one for me. 

CP: Okay. 

TWATWAFFLE: I don't want anything else. 

CP: Okay. It was as. . . 

TWATWAFFLE: I only needed that refill. It's not your job to make me fill anything else. 

CP: The computer wasn't forcing you to do anything; it was allowing you the opportunity to. . .

TWATWAFFLE: I don't need anything else and I don't like it. 

CP: It's phor people who have multiple refills. You enter one and the computer asks if you have another refill to enter. If not, hang up. 

TWATWAFFLE: It shouldn't suggest anything. 

CP: Ma'am. It's not suggesting anything. Hang up. 

TWATWAFFLE: I only need that one refill.

CP: Enter your refill. Hang up. Period. Like the way I'm going to end this call. Good day. <click>

 

CPP: Can't say I've ever had anyone get offended by the automated computer allowing me the convenience of entering my refills in an organised, streamlined manner. 

CP: Your convenience is someone else's Everest. 

CPP: But to call and complain about something as trivial as an automated system is beyond comprehension. 

CP: To normal people it is; to those of us in the retail world, this is par for the course. If I perceive something to be offensive, then I am offended and I will complain. 

#WhyYourPharmacistHatesYou 

#WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong

#JustHangUp

I Think You Have A You Problem

CP: When I write my book, it's going to pheature all my posts about "If the real world worked the way people believe pharmacy does" and "how have these people survived this long?" as the main two sections. 

CPP: I don't think you need anything else; people will have a difficult enough time believing the stories in those two sections are true. 

CP: And that people behave this way, in public. 

CPP: Oh the joys of retail and working with the public. What have you phor us today?

CP: Damned if you do insanity. 

CPP: Proceed. 

Why Am I This Way He Asked Tersely: I am here to pick up my refills. 

CP: Good. They are phreshly prepared. 

WAIT, WHAT: I know. I got your text. 

CP: Ah. COD. 

WAIT, WHAT: What?

CP: Comes On Demand.Your wife must be a happy woman. 

WAIT, WHAT: Huh? 

CP: Here's your bag. Have a nice day. 

<2 hours later>

UT: Hey. Wasn't WAIT, WHAT just in here? 

CP: Yeah. Why?

UT: He just called in two more refills. 

CP: Guess he shouldn't've come so quickly. 

<Next Day>

WAIT, WHAT: I'm here to pick up my prescriptions. 

CP: He's come again!

WAIT, WHAT: Yeah. I got your text. I've been here every day this week. Why can't you get my stuff together?

CP: You realise that, just because you get a text, you do not HAVE to come down here. 

CPP: <whispers in the background> mom! come down here

CP: <whispers - Shhhhuuuuut uuup> Just as you possess the ability to NOT answer your phone when it rings at my counter, you could just wait until, oh, I don't know, you call in all of your prescriptions to be refilled. That would be like having each member of your phamily ordering DoorDash phrom the same restaurant 11 minutes apart. Why? Place a phamily order on the app and receive all your phood together. Easy-Peasy.

<2 hours later, no shit>

UT: Wasn't WAIT, WHAT just in here complaining about always coming down here?

CP: Yes. Did he call in more refills?

UT: Yeah. Must be trying avoid the missus. 

CP: Or he has PGAD. 

UT: "And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody comes and comes again"

CP: Nice once, UT. 

UT: Need to keep up with you. 

Notice

CPP: What is today's word-of-the-day?

CP: Notice. It is a verb that means "become aware of" according to lexico.com. 

CPP: How did you select today's word?

CP: I heard it in a recent conversation. 

CPP: Please share with the class. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Cosmic Pastilles. How may I help you?

Non-Observant Lady Opining: I noticed I didn't get a call for my husband's Eliquis refill. He missed his dose today because of you. 

CP: You don't say. You noticed we didn't call but you didn't notice his bottle was getting emptier and emptier with each dose you did give him. How selectively observant. Curiouser and Curiouser as my phriend A Little Interesting Clever Explainer was oft heard to quote. 

NO LO: Well?

CP: Water!

NO LO: What?

CP: Second Base! I'm good at these. Keep them coming. 

NO LO: No. Why didn't we receive a call? He missed a dose. 

CP: Phunny you should say that. We last filled his prescription for a 90 days supply 99 days ago. I'm not saying he missed other doses, it is within the realm of (unlikely) possibility that you had a dose or two . . . or 9, extra but. . . he's missed more than A dose in the last 3 months. We also would've filled this about 2 weeks early which means you likely missed the window of opportunity within which to retrieve his refill. I can get it ready now if you like. There's still time to make up the missing dose you forgot to give him. 

NO LO: I also noticed that I didn't get a call for my HCTZ. 

CP: You are on a roll this morning. Have you thought of joining your local ornithologist organization? Obviously observation is obligatory and your penchant for noticing things could really help in the field. 

NO LO: No. It just comes natural. 

CP: Selectively natural. And you would not receive a call phor your medication. 

NO LO: Why not? I'm almost out!

CP: Well the system attempts to fill prescriptions when they are 80% complete. You received a 90 days supply 138 days ago. Not only did you miss your window for my computer to refill it for you, you are 50% of the way into the next, missing refill. You're either Pharmer Jesus feeding thousands of people on 5 loaves and a couple fish, or you're woefully noncompliant. Either way, I can't help you. I can refill it today though.

NO LO: Phine. 

CPP: Ever notice how patients only notice what they want to notice? 

CP: You mean when it's convenient for them to complain about their lack of observance because they just noticed it's a issue? 

CPP: Precisely. 

CP: It still amazes how few people get stranded on the side of the road after running out of gas. 

CPP: Yeah. They can ignore all our phone calls and texts and smoke signals and semaphores but get them in a car with warning lights and they now stop for gas. 

CP: Well running out of gas is embarrassing; running out of your medication means you can project your insecurities and lack of planning on another person to feel better about yourself. 

CPP: 'Murica. 

CP: #HowDoYouNotNoticeTheBottleIsGettingEmptier

And Scene. . .

<Our story opens on a nondescript pharmacy in a nondescript town on a nondescript corner shortly after dawn (okay, like 8:47, close enough) on a Saturday. We are standing behind the main character, a pharmacist, peering over her shoulder as she unlocks the door and disarms the alarm>

CP: <inner monologue> Today is going to be a great day. I can pheel it!

Narrator: It was NOT going to be a great day. 

CP: I'm going to start my computers and get everything ready to start my morning. I got up early and arrived to work earlier than normal; I got donuts even. 

<looks out of gate and sees a gentleman sitting on the waiting bench>

CP: <inner monologue> Going to be a good day. 

<Rolls up gates>

CP: Greetings and Salutations! Are you picking up today?

Gonna Ruin Everyone's Morning Like It's Nothing: No. 

CP: Well, you're at pick up so. . . Are you dropping off?

GREMLIN: No. 

CP: Ok. Question?

GREMLIN: No. 

CP: Ok. Well I'm about out of guesses as to why you are at my counter then. 

GREMLIN: I need my second booster. 

CP: Ok. We do those by appointment only, during the week. 

GREMLIN: I'm leaving town Thursday.

CP: Nice. Have a dandy time

GREMLIN:I need my booster. 

CP: Not really though. But you can return Monday and schedule a shot for then. 

GREMLIN: Well I need this Rx filled too then. 

CP: Ok. Viagra. It'll be about 20 minutes. 

GREMLIN: WHAT?! Twenty Minutes? Twenty Minutes!

CP: Yes. Repeat it back to me so you understand. Well done. 20 minutes is correct. 

GREMLIN: Why?

CP: Well, as you clearly witnessed, I arrived; I started my computers; I just opened the gate. You walked up to my counter ahead of the two people who are now behind you. As soon as the gate lifted, my phone started ringing. I am also flying solo today so, yeah, 20 minutes is a phairly solid estimate. 

GREMLIN: "I can't wait another 20 minutes. We've already waited 20 minutes!"

CP: Sorry. What? 

GREMLIN: We've already been here 20 minutes. 

CP: Aww, you're so cute. You do realise that you can't count wait times outside of our hours of operation. 

GREMLIN: Huh?

CP: Waiting times before we open DON'T. COUNT! I walked out last night at 7pm. I passed a gentleman walking into the store with an Rx in his hand. If he were standing here, right now, and I told him "20 minutes", he would not be able to ask, with sincere incredulity, "Why so long? I've been waiting over 10 hours already!". So knock it off, sit back down, and wait your 20 minutes. 

GREMLIN: I can't wait. Give me back my script. 

<10 minutes later>

GREMLIN: I'll just leave this here and come back when I get my shot Monday. 

CP: Okay. It'll be here Tuesday. 

GREMLIN: What? Why? 

CP: I have to order it. And now that I know you aren't leaving until Thursday, you can have a little patience too. You need to learn how to be patient. 

GREMLIN:This is ridiculous!

CP: I've been waiting phor 2 years phor The Sandman to come out, ever since it was announced. Netflix just said I have to wait until, August; 9 more weeks. I don't think that's phair. See you Wednesday. Next!

Going On A Trip

ME: We're going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship. . . 

MICE ELF: Zooming through the sky!

CP: Have you stopped by the pharmacy at the last minute to get your medications refilled?

ME: Yes!

CP: Everyone have their role assignments?

MICE ELF: Yes!

CP: Shall we?

ME & MICE ELF: Lettuce!

Gate Agent Trying Everything,  But. . . : Welcome to Delta. Where are you headed today?

M+ME+CP: We are traveling on holiday. 

GATE B: Not what I asked. Tickets?

MMECP: Um. We don't have them. We figured you could look them up. 

GATE B: Look them up? 

MMECP: Yeah. In "The System". We are flying to that one city, in that state with all the vowels in its name? it's kinda big, but not like NY/LA big. No. More like Springfield?

GATE B: Which one? 

MMECP: All of them. Can't you look it up? It's under Pharmacist, Cynical. I've flown with you guys before; I don't understand the problem. 

GATE B: Per federal regulations, you must have your boarding pass. . . 

MMECP: Which you supplied to me and I forgot so since I have a flight to catch and you issued the first ticket, fetch another posthaste. 

GATE B: I cannot do that. Are you even sure this is the correct airline? Date? Time? Are you sure you have a flight today?

MMECP: Duh. I made it on the TWA phone prompt thingy you had me do. 

GATE B: TWA?

MMECP: Uh, yeah! 

GATE B: They went out of business decades ago. This is Delta. And we do online ticketing now. 

MMECP: This is an airline, right? You do have planes that fly, right? Just give me a ticket so I can start my holiday and be done with this. 

GATE B: You don't know where you are. You have no ID. You don't know where you're going; or when. But you're here and want me to fix all of this for you?

MMECP: For free. With upgrades. Since you messed up and "lost" my reservation even though I come here all the time, I need extra nuts for my flight. 

GATE B: Oh, I think your level of nuts is chokingly high.

MMECP: Look, we work retail; pharmacy no less. We know how this works. Our patients have been educating us. All we do is not plan ahead, randomly show up unannounced and unprepared, ask for things to which we are not entitled, complain about things that are actually our responsibility, argue and make scenes from which you, the retailer, will cower and become subservient, then acquiesce by granting our every demand. Now fetch us our flight forthwith!

#IfTheRealWorldWorkedTheWayPeopleBelievePharmacyDoes 

#OurPatientsAreDefinitelyNotLittleEinsteins 

#WhereWeAreIDontKnowWhereWeAre