Sudafed - The Saga Continues

ME: What's the most frustrating part about so many Sudafed products on backorder?

MICE ELF: Besides the uncomprehending looks on people's faces when we tell them everything is unavailable?

CP: Or the inability for their brains to get wrapped around the fact that, yes, this is the 7th place you've been and the answer has been the same everywhere else so don't get mad at me?

ME: But I need it!

MICE ELF: I gots to haves it. My preshusss.

CP: How badly do they really want it though?

ME: Not bad enough to look at other options. 

MICE ELF: Or at least not bad enough to entertain alternative solutions. 

CP: Precisely. 

ME & MICE ELF: Yay! Story time!

CP: Welcome to CP's D&D. How may I help you?

Another Sudafed Seeker Begging And Grumbling It's Not So: D&D?

CP: Draughts and Drachms. How may I help?

ASS BAGINS: I need the Advil Cold and Sinus. 

CP: We are phresh out. 

ASS BAGINS: Really?

CP: No. It's been on backorder for months. 

ASS BAGINS: That's what everyone keeps telling me. 

CP: At some point maybe you'll listen to the majority. Or you can keep doing your own research. 

ASS BAGINS:What's that supposed to m. . . 

CP: Or you could hear me out on a revolutionary workaround; a satisfying alternative to your predicament. 

ASS BAGINS: I'm listening. 

CP: I need you to hear me as well. I can sell you plain, red, 4-hour Sudafed and Advil. You take one of each, one blue pill and one red pill together in one hand and swallow them together. Your stomach will combine the two ingredients into Advil Cold and Sinus. Boom! 

ASS BAGINS: It's not the same; plain sudafed doesn't work for me. 

CP: You listened, but didn't hear me. I warned you about that. You take one of each. It's a medical technique referred to as Unavicci. 

ASS BAGINS: Unavicci?
CP: Yes. It's pronounced "oona-VEECH-E". You take one of each at the same time and it works the same as your trusty combo product. 

ASS BAGINS: It sounds Italian. I don't trust it. Plain Sudafed never works for me. 

CP: Do you like chocolate milk?

ASS BAGINS: Who doesn't?

CP: The store was out of brown milk; must be a brown cow shortage or something. Anyway, I took a gallon of White Milk and poured MICE ELF a glass. I took a bottle of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I added them to my glass at the same time. Chocolate Milk!

MICE ELF: It was sooooo good!

ASS BAGINS: That's not the same. I don't like white milk. It tastes like white milk. It's not real chocolate milk.

CP: Then I wish you well on your questing. 

ME: We need out of here. People can do their own research, but present them with a viable option to phix their problem and suddenly you don't know anything. 

MICE ELF: I miss being a trusted profession(al). 

CP: I need to leave this planet. So long and thanks phor all the phish.

What Does It Mean?

CP: Did you ever wonder how people get through their days without seriously injuring themselves or others? 

CPP: Only with every interaction I have at the pharmacy. It's exhausting. 

CP: And hard on the neck. 

CPP: Huh?

CP: Phrom all the times I have to turn my head like a dog; like you just did when you looked at me and went "huh?". 

CPP: Right. What is today's topic?

CP: Questions. 

CPP: As in there are no stupid questions, only stupid people?

CP: Indeed. Why do I lock my car when I park it anywhere?

CPP: To keep people out? 

CP: Why do I lock my house? 

CPP: To keep people out?

CP: What is the point of a lock?

CPP: To keep people out. Where is this going?

CP: #StupidQuestionOfTheDay brought to you by Adults Asking Really Dumb Vacuous And Redundant Questions (AARDVARQ)

 

AARDVARQ: Why is the men's room locked?

CP: To keep people out? I don't know. Did you try to ask the person inside why he locked it? What purposes do locks serve where you come phrom? Do you ask these questions at home when the bathroom door is locked? Or at other people's houses? ("Hey Timmy, why is your door locked?" TIMMY!)

AARDVARQ: So should I knock? Or wait? 

CP: Dude. #WhyAreYouTheWayYouAre? #GTFO

Only

Only: And no one or nothing more besides; solely.
No more than (implying that more was expected); merely.

 

MICE ELF: We hates the word "just".

ME: Hates it, we do. 

CP: I have a new one phor you: It's "only" a word. 

MICE ELF: What's to dislike about only?

CP: It's only just like just, only it's just a word. 

ME: Enigmatically unhelpful. 

MICE ELF: Just get to the point. 

CP: Here is yesterday's conversation:

Pt: I need to drop this off. 

CP: Are you going to wait or come back?

Pt: Well it's only 4 caps so I don't have to come back; I'll be around. 

CP: Good. Not sure what the "only 4 caps" has to do with your decision but I'll have it ready in 15 minutes regardless. 

ME: So your knickers are knotted because she used "only" as a synonym for "just" as a means to trivialise the job we have to perform?

MICE ELF: Your bloomers are bunched over "only" a word?

CP: Yes. 

ME & MICE ELF: Makes sense. 

CP: Counting to 4 capsules is not, has never been, and likely never will be the rate-limiting step in the equation that is philling your prescriptions. Phor people to diminish our job by use of the words "only" or "just" is phrustrating. 

ME: Well it is a perception that we fostered; or at least the big chains nurtured with their fast-food approach to a healthcare "profession".

MICE ELF: That's like saying that, in order to perform my oil change, the technician has to "only pull a plug". 

CP: Precisely. Don't minimise my job because you do not understand it.

#IfOnly

Phone Trees

CP: Have I complained about how much I dislike e-scripts recently?

CPP: It's been a minute. What's not to like?

CP: The users of the software. The programmers too, but mostly the users. 

CPP: That's pretty broad. Narrow it down phor the good phollks at home. Phind Phocus Phor Phuck's Sake. 

CP: Phine. Specifically I wish to complain about the offices that are unreachable when there is an issue, and let's face it, there's always an issue with an e-script; the side effect of so many e-scripts and providers having multiple offices. 

CPP: Like the office we had yesterday. Called the only number on the e-script, the one attached also to the provider in our system, only to phind out he left the practice some time ago. 

CP: Let me guess, they had no idea where he went?

CPP: Yes. But it was the answering service and she knew he still worked in their quick clinic location. While she didn't have a number to provide, she could transfer me. 

CP: Sounds good but. . . ?

CPP: But I was on hold awaiting the transfer and <click>. 

CP: I hate that providers who have multiple offices are somehow able to put only the location of the e-script license as their primary place of prescribing. There was a provider I was trying to phind who worked at 11 different locations; the e-scripts only printed with the main office information. He was never practising at that location and they never knew where he was day to day. 

CPP: You'd think when the provider signed in he'd have to check which location he was working. We don't generate our faxes with the corporate headquarters phone and address on them; it's specific to our location. That's just stupid and a waste of time. 

CP: While I dislike that, and have given up on trying after one phone call attempt (the patient gets the next call and is in charge of playing "now where did my doctor go?") what I loathe more and more is phone trees. 

CPP: You mean because there's rarely the option phor pharmacists with questions about e-scripts?

CP: Yes. That and the confusion they create. 

CPP: How so?

CP: We receive an e-script from Dr. Zoffis. It shows her address and phone number. Period. I call the number only to hear the phollowing options:

If you are calling phor phamily medicine, please press "1"

If you are calling phor internal medicine, please press "2"

If you are calling phor OB/GYN, please press "3"

If you are calling phor Geriatrics, please press "4"

If you are calling phor Behavioural Health, press "5"

Phor Billing, press "6". 

To hear this message again, press "0"

And the message repeats; you are not transferred to a general mailbox or human phor guidance. 

CPP: We have no idea what department the provider is in. I mean we could guess but. . . 

CP: But then you make a choice and you're taken to voicemail instead of being given a list of providers. 

CPP: Just call each of the mailboxes and leave messages as if you're a lost child looking phor her mother. 

CP: <best child voice> Um, this is a pharmacy. I'm trying to phind a doctor. Are you my doctor? 

CPP: Ooh, an Are You My Mother book but phor pharmacists. 

CP: We need offices to offer lines/options specifically phor pharmacists. 

CPP: Nah. We can just keep calling until they get annoyed with us. Then they'll do something. 

CP: Which is why I call the patients to contact the offices. Set the angry patient on them. Not only did they mess up the prescription, but now they won't take our calls. Sic 'em, patient! Sic Balls!

Too Much Stupid

CP: I'm tired of dealing with stupid. 

ME: <wearing shirt that reads "I'm With Stupid> Can't get away phrom it. 

MICE ELF: Hey now. 

CP: I meant phrom a work perspective. It's only gotten worse with each day. 

ME: What prompted this?

MICE ELF: We work with the public. AKA Stupid people. Individual dealings with individual people in controlled settings, not in the wilderness of public spaces, is acceptable but something happens to them in the wild frontier. 

ME: Continue. 

CP: Shots. Shots have made people dumber than I imagined possible. 

MICE ELF: Why don't you just segue into the vignette about it?

CP: Phine.

 

All Shot Seekers Today Are Causing Our Stress: I need to get my 4th shot; my booster. 

CP: Okay. Which shot did you want?

ASS TACOS: The Covid. 

CP: No shit? Huh. Threw me off with asking for the "4th shot". Was phairly certain you were going to tell me Jager. Which Covid shot?

ASS TACOS: The booster. 

CP: Phuck me. Didn't we go through this with the 3rd shot? Have you learned nothing? Moderna or Pfizer?

ASS TACOS: Moderma. 

CP: <sighs> Moderna it is. Have a seat and I will be with you forthwith. 

<CP walks out and continues sighing>

CP: Which arm would you prefer?

ASS TACOS: Oh <looks at each arm like one of them will suddenly sprout a little hand waving a little flag at me that says "me! me! pick me!"> I don't know. Does it matter?

CP: Not to me. It just has to be one of your arms; not phrom a passerby. 

ASS TACOS: Ok. I guess <keeps looking at them> I guess my Left cuz I'm right-handed. 

CP: Makes as much sense as anything else you could've said. I need to get right <points to the Shot Triangle on the arm> here, so if you could do whatever it takes to phree that patch of skin phor me, I'd appreciate it. 

ASS TACOS: If I hold it up like this, is that okay? 

CP: Not as okay as it would've been had you worn a short-sleeve shirt. This. Is. Your. FOURTH. SHOT! You haven't even had to to phorget the previous one like you do with your phlu shots. It was 4 months ago. How do you survive life at this point? 

ASS TACOS: <confused and a little creeped out> By getting my 4th shot?

CP: Well keep your fingers out of the way. My needle is long enough to go clean through your digits and still administer the shot. You'll just look a little weird walking out with your middle finger pegged to your shoulder. 

ASS TACOS: Think I'll need another shot?

CP: Sure. You'll need lots more. Hopefully, one of these times, you'll remember to dress accordingly, and to be ready by having your arm out when I walk out so as to not waste everyone's time. 

ME: Right? It would be different if this weren't the same process for the last year. This is the 4th shot in a year for people, 5th if you count their phlu shot, yet they act as if they've never been asked these questions.

MICE ELF:  Nor been told where I'm going to stick it.

CP: Maybe we should hang a sign:"If this isn't your first time, you know what to do". 

MICE ELF: I'd be afraid of what I'd walk out to. 

ME: Yeah, ME too. 

CP: Meh, they wouldn't read it anyway, much less comprehend it.

 

 

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” 

George Carlin 

 

It's Up To YOU

Have A Little Fun While It's Talking: I wish to call in my refill. 

CP: You don't have to wish here. At CP's Drachm-a-Rama, we make all your wishes come true. 

HALF WIT: I was going to call in my refill. 

CP: You were? Okay, then what happened? This is good. I'm on the edge of my seat. 

HALF WIT: Nothing. Like, then you picked up. 

CP: You were going to call in your refill, then I picked up. Did that change your plans? It really should only have reinforced you were making correct life choices at that point. You need only say "I am calling in my refill" and our transaction can be considered completed.

HALF WIT: Then I am calling in my refill. 

CP: Glory be! What is your number?

HALF WIT: 8675309 

ME: Really? That's the best you could do?

MICE ELF: It was either that or 42. 

CP: <shhh!> Ok Madam HALF WIT, when did you want to come in phor it?

HALF WIT: Oh, I can come in phor it whenever it is ready.

CP: No shit. Coming in earlier than when it is ready would be a waste of time. Perhaps you meant to reply "I will wait for the text and make plans to pop by once that happens". 

HALF WIT: I'm not in a hurry. 

CP: Good to know. Well I put a 2-hr time on it so we will see you then, and not before. 

HALF WIT: But I just took my last dose. 

CP: And you don't need another until tomorrow. My 2-hr estimate will be more than satisfactory. 

 

#SeeYaWhenTheyreReady

Expecting

CP: CP's Draught Kings, How may I help you?

PT: Do you have any 12-hour Sudafed products?

CP: We do not. 

PT: Generic Claritin-D 12hr?

CP: They are on backorder; have been for over a month now. I can offer you some of the 4-hr as a consolation.

PT: Can I get a box of those?

CP: Sure thing. 

<finishes transaction>

PT: When do you expect to get more?

CP: I expect them tomorrow.

PT: Really?

CP: Yes. I expect them every day, only to be crushed anew by the lack of supply in the day's order. Like Penelope, I expect every day will bring that which has been lost to me. I fear 12-hr pseudoephedrine products will return in the same timeline as Odysseus. 

PT: I'm not up on my mythology. 

CP: Well you can read all about it in the time you spend waiting for 12-hour pseudoephedrine products to return to my shelves.