CP: What if everyone adopted metrics?
ME: You mean there are people NOT on metrics?
MICE ELF: How do they function?
ME: Yeah. How do they even know what to do next?
CP: Metrics make me nostalgic for the days of 5S.
ME: Like when we had to label our staplers and spatulas and where we filed our prescriptions.
MICE ELF: It was better than phorcing pharmacy to adopt Six Sigma.
CP: They weren't inherently bad, but pharmacy workflow has too many variables and not enough help to allow it to work.
ME: Glad we have those metrics though.
CP: As I began, what if everyone adopted metrics and phorced their employees to attain them to the detriment of their other work?
MICE ELF: Examples, s'il vous plait?
CP: Dear OB/GYN Kenobis, you have not met your quota for baby deliveries this month. Don't drop the ball.
Dear Hospice, not enough people are dying to work with you this week. Start killing it.
ME: Well, with hospice metrics, they'd call it something like "graduating to the mortician" or something more catchy and less somber.
MICE ELF: Can you imagine the action plans for OBs to make more deliveries?
CP: I have a long-term plan, but it's going to take about 9 months, a lot of sperm bank withdrawals, and some open-minded volunteers.
ME: And about those morticians, are there quotas for funerals in a week? Or cremations? Or alternative burials?
MICE ELF: Probably alternative burials; like pushing HPV shots during a certain month. I know you had your heart set on this beautiful casket and plot with a tree but, can we interest you in tree burial? Where we hang him in the tree? It's our special this month. Next month is Sky Burial month. Half off if you book one for yourself too!
CP: I thought I was the oddball of the three of us.
ME: You are. We try to keep up.
CP: Speaking of the stupidity of pushing shots during random months and speed over accuracy, we sound like the police.
MICE ELF: Holidays, tickets, and speed traps, oh my!
ME: Talk about filling quotas.
CP: Metrics aren't inherently bad, it's simply that pharmacy uses them to measure the wrong things at the wrong times and worse, don't use the data to make informed business decisions.
ME: They use them to punish us.
MICE ELF: Like Mistress May?
ME: There's another business without metrics.
MICE ELF: Not enough punishment delivered?
CP: I have such sights to show you.
ME: You know you mixed your genres there at the end, right?
CP: They'll get it.
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