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Saturday, January 22, 2022

Relax, Don't Do It

ME: People need to learn self-control. 
MICE ELF: Like people taking too many selfies? 
ME: Or finishing off the cheesecake?
MICE ELF: Shut it. 
CP: How about NOT calling the pharmacy?
ME: Like ever? 
CP: It would be a good start. I mentioned the other week about how we need to limit the number of calls a person's phone can make to a business; or how many our phone can accept from a number. 
MICE ELF: Like The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
CP: Sure. If the Phable Phits, Pharmacise it. 
ME: Enlighten us with your real world example, O Wise One. 
MICE ELF: Cuz we both know you have one. 
ME: You are never short on stories. 
MICE ELF: Short . . . stories?  
ME: <shrugs>

CP: Once upon a midnight dreary. 
CPP: It was day. 
CP: Phine. Day. 
Uber-Tech: CP's Paradise Lost Pharmacy, How may I help you?
Overly Harassing Everyone Like Literally No One's Safe: When will my medication be delivered? 
UT: Later today. Sometime between noon and 6pm.  
O HELL NO's: Can you be more specific?
UT: No.
<1 hr later>
Poor Intern: CP's Lost Paradise Pill Parade. How may I help you?
O HELL NO's: I need my medication. When will it be delivered?
PI: Still sometime between noon and 6pm.
O HELL NO's: Can you do better than that? 
PI: 3:14. 
O HELL NO's: Really?
PI: No. But it could be, seeing as how that is between noon and 6pm. We are short a driver and the storms have backed us up this week.
O HELL NO's: Well that's not my phault. 
PI: Whose fault? Whose but his own?

CPP: CP's Lost. May I help you?
O HELL NO's: When will my prescriptions be delivered?
CPP: Later. 
O HELL NO's: How much later?
CPP: Well my tech told you between noon and 6pm as did my Intern. I'm going to have to reiterate what they said. 
O HELL NO's: Not good enough!

<More Latererer>
CP: CP's <checks caller ID> Hell, How may I help you?
O HELL NO's: When will you deliver?
CP: We cannot provide exact times. 
O HELL NO's: Well I need it. 
CP: You don't want it? You just need it? To breathe, to feel, to know you're alive?
O HELL NO's: Yes!
CP: You could just <plays triangle> COME AND GET IT! 
O HELL NO's: It's snowing! I can't come out in this!
CP: Think of my drivers. Now I need you to stop harassing us.  
O HELL NO's: I'm not! I need my medication!
CP: Let me ask you this: Do you use the online tracking for FedEx, UPS, or the USPS? 
O HELL NO's: Yes!
CP: What does the tracking show?
O HELL NO's: Where it was last scanned. 
CP: Anything else? 
O HELL NO's: No. 
CP: Your prescription was last scanned here. It's on a truck, en route to your house. Once your Amazon package is on the truck do you call the shipper to ask for an exact delivery time? Do you call the warehouse every hour to harass them? All they did was ship it. Once it leaves the facility the shipper has no control over the route or time to destination. Stop. Calling. Us! 
O HELL NO's: Well this is ridiculous. 
CP: I could not agree more. Imagine the work all of us could have completed if you had listened to us the first time and NOT called us repeatedly. Sometimes, NOT calling is the best solution, like alcohol.
O HELL NO's: You are going to hell.
CP: “Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven.”


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