But. . . How Are You Doing That?

CP: People have amazing talents. 

CPP: I know. I've seen the TikToks. But I'm guessing we're not discussing how we spend our toilet time. 

CP: No. I'm talking about people with talents they don't even know they possess. 

CPP: Pharmacy-related?

CP: Natch. 

CPP: What's today's talent?

CP: Mental Magic.

CPP: Let's hear it. 

CP: CPs Playhouse. How may I help you? 

Tragically Unprepared Refill Dude: I'm calling about my refills. 

CP: Ok. What about them? Do you want to know if you have refills? If they are ready to be picked up? To be filled? What "ABOUT" your refills are you inquiring?

ME: I really do hate calls that begin with "I'm calling about. . ." and there's a pause.

MICE ELF: Ditto.

TURD: I need to refill my prescriptions. 

CP: Do you have the numbers?

TURD: No. 

CP: Do you know what you need refilled?

TURD: I do have the names. <starts listing drug names>

CP: Quick question: Where are you getting the names?

TURD: Off the bottles. 

CP: The bottles?

TURD: Yes. 

CP: The bottles with the numbers?

TURD: Yes. But they are too small and I'd have to get a magnifying glass. 

CP: You called me, correct?

TURD: Yes. 

CP: To call in refills. 

TURD: Yes. 

CP: Which you decided to read off the bottle. 

TURD: Yes. 

CP: Ok. Just hoping your mental magic extended to thinking ahead before you called. Continue. 

CPP: At least he knew what he needed. 

CP: True. But don't tell me you don't have the numbers, then proceed to read phrom the bottle, the names. 

CPP: Most people will call that a win. 

CP: It's more like dropping points and getting a tie after giving up an own goal at the end of stoppage time. 

7 Shelves

CPP: What is the most difficult concept phor people to grasp?

CP: Normally I'd say "reading comprehension" but today I'm going more basic with "counting". 

CPP: Normally you'd say "I can explain it to you, but I can't comprehend it phor you". What made you chose "counting" today?

CP: People who cannot phollow simple directions to locate items on our shelves. To wit:

Looking On Shelves Timidly: Do you have any beet root?

CP: I have some Bloody Beetroots in my Spotify. 

LOST: No. I'm looking for the powder kind. 

CP: Ok. It's on these shelves around the corner. Follow me. <walks to opposite end of counter>

LOST: <follows> 

CP: They're on the fourth shelf down, from the top. 

LOST: <sticks hand out, eyes pessimistically> I don't see it. 

CP: That's the third shelf. 

LOST: <drops hand>

CP: That's the fifth shelf. 

LOST: <points at bottom shelf, begins to count>

CP: Phrom the top. 

LOST: <places hand on top shelf, moves to second shelf and says "one">

CP: Stop. Put your hand on the top shelf. 

LOST: <looks at bottom> 

CP: TOP SHELF. 

LOST: <touches top shelf>

CP: Now count with me - one, two, three, five. Why did you skip four?

LOST: <shrugs>

CP: Back up one shelf; that's the fourth shelf. 

LOST: I thought you said bottom. 

CP: Either way, I have seven shelves; the fourth shelf is the same whether you count phrom the bottom or the top. 

LOST: Oh. 

CP: Now move left. 

LOST: <moves right>

CP: Your other left. 

LOST: Got it. 

CP: How did you phind your way to my pharmacy today? 

CPP: That's downright painful to hear. 

CP: It was worse to be there. I kept thinking I was getting punk'd. Now I know why those programs are so successful; people are either really dumb or really gullible. 

CPP: Or, the worst combo, both!

A Watched Pot

ME: You seem distracted. 

MICE ELF: What thoughts are hoggin' your noggin?

CP: The way people will argue with you, make your case for you, realise it, then get mad at you for making them look the fool and still send a complaint up to corporate. 

ME: Oh do tell. 

CP: CP's Drachm-a-Rama. How may I help you?

Lost In Mental Purgatory: I was calling about my refill?

CP: That's a statement disguised as a question by the inflection at the end. Do you have a question about your refill or are you telling me your query without providing me your information first?

LIMP: I'm LIMP. And I am calling to ask why I don't have my refill yet. 

CP: Certainly. 

LIMP: I called it in last week. 

CP: You did. And, as promised, we promptly faxed it to Herr Dr. Zoffis. 

LIMP: "You people don't follow up"?

CP: We, the people, do follow up; four times, in fact, did we up the follow. 

LIMP: "I'm sitting here and it's been a week and no one called me". 

CP: Why would I call you?

LIMP: To tell me my refill is ready. 

CP: But if it is NOT ready, why would I call you? Do you seriously expect businesses to call you to tell you they have nothing to tell you? How would that go exactly?

--"Hello, Mr. L-I-M-P. It's CP. Hear ye, Hear ye: Still no refill for thee."

--"10:00 and all is well. Still no refills for Mr. L-I-M-P"

--"Mr. LIMP has nothing to see here. Move along. Move along."

LIMP: But I've been waiting. 

CP: Right. At home. Near your phone. Which, I assume, makes calls to places other than my pharmacy, mayhap Herr Dr. Zoffis even? Hmm? You should have followed up yourself if it were so important since we can't be trusted, apparently. 

LIMP: But you people don't follow up. 

CP: Not my prescription, not my problem. 

"I don't know what you heard about me

But a bitch can't get a refill out of me

No Cardizem, Xanax, there won't be

Refills for motherfu@kin' L-I-M-P"

ME: I guess that's better than "L-I-M-P Bizkit is right here". 

MICE ELF: Don't Urban Dictionary that one. 

CP: He was a little salty after I got done with him. 

ME & MICE ELF: <retching>

CP: Turns out, after we spoke, Herr Dr. Zoffis sent the Rx within the hour. I wonder what LIMP said to Dr. Zoffis. 

ME: I bet he didn't call them "you people". 

MICE ELF: At least he rose to the occasion of calling them himself. 

CP: Get up, Stand up! Phone in your refills!

#NotMyPrescriptionNotMyProblem 

#NotMyCircusNotMyMonkeys 

Available

Available - adj: able to be bought, obtained, used, or reached. 

ME: Why the definition? 

MICE ELF: Oh, did someone keep using a word in a way that opposes its meaning?

CP: You may say that. 

ME and MICE ELF: Let's hear it. 

Patient's Expensive Eliquis Is Not Generic: Why is this so expensive?

CP: It's a brand only medication and your insurance has it listed in their top tier. 

PEEING: "My doctor said there's a generic for Eliquis."

CP: There is not. 

PEEING: He said there is. 

CP: Well if he said so, I guess it's true. Did he read it on the internet? 

PEEING: I don't know. 

CP: One was approved by the FDA in 2019, but it will not come to market until April 2028. 

PEEING: Right. He said it's available but you can't get it yet. 

CP: Huh? 

PEEING: It's available, but you can't get it. 

CP: Can you define the word "available" as you perceive it? I'm really curious how "available" means "not available" to you. 

PEEING: I guess I'll just take this one until you can get it in. 

CP: I'll get it in as soon as it's available; in April 2028. 

ME: Maybe he thought the doctor said "approved"? 

CP: No. Don't let him off the hook that easy. He was adamant it was available, not approved because I asked that as well and he didn't understand "approved" either. 

MICE ELF: Why do people have such loyalty and dedication to their doctors? Even in light of evidence to the contrary directly from the experts' mouths, the pharmacists, the doctors' words carry more weight, as if they could never be wrong. 

CP: They do work in a practice. 

#NoRespect 

#ButMyDoctorSaid 

#BastardStepchildrenOfHealthcare 

Where Is It?

CP: You would think the easiest questions would allow for the easiest answers, correct?

ME: I would think. 

MICE ELF: ME, too. 

ME: Which leads us to believe this is not the case. 

CP: Precisely. 

Fungal Female Seeking: I will be picking up my prescription for a cream today. Can you tell me where to apply it?

CP: What are you treating?

FFS: My feet are itchy and white between my toes. 

CP: I'd apply it there. 

FFS: But where?

CP: On your feet. 

FFS: But where do I apply it?

CP: Did you see a doctor?

FFS: Yes. 

CP: What was the diagnosis?

FFS: Athlete's foot. 

CP: Apply it on your feet. 

FFS: But where do I apply it?

CP: On the itchy, white patches. 

FFS: Not on the soles of my feet?

CP: Do they itch?

FFS: No.  

CP: Did your doctor tell you to apply it to the whole foot?

FFS: No. That's why I'm asking you. 

CP: <makes note to send doctor coal for Christmas> If it's itchy and you know, spread some cream. If it's dry and white and scaly, spread some cream. 

FFS: But where. 

CP: In the bathroom? Your bedroom? Kitchen? I'm no longer sure I know how to answer this. 

FFS: Okay. I'll ask again when I come down to pick it up. 

CP: Make sure it's tomorrow when CPP is here. 

CPP: Thanks phor that. 

CP: No problem.