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Friday, October 25, 2019

Dear Diary

Dear Diary:

Flu Shot Week 9:
ME: So many people have promised to come back for shots and not returned that I am soon to abandon all hope of making the bosses happy. I feel jilted. I will forever be on the bottom.
CP: Bottom isn't bad. It means you're good at something.
ME: What?
CP: Screwing up.
ME: <moans>
CP: Now you got it. But that gave me an idea.
MICE ELF: How did that give you an idea?
CP: Promise rings.
ME: Huh?
CP: It's another measurable metric for Corporate Overlords to hold over your head. Promise Rings. You give them to patients and they swear a solemn vow to be loyally yours in flu vaccination. They will repeat after you: "With this ring, I do hereby vow to return to you tomorrow, next weekend, or next year and receive my inoculation."
MICE ELF: Nice. You could use that in lieu of a waiting list for other shots.
ME: Sounds like more heartbreak for me. I can just see it now, people skulking by the counter, surreptitiously sliding their rings behind the register in an effort to break their promise with me.
MICE ELF: You should be used to the stealth breakup by now. Anyway, the CO would still expect you to make good on those promised shots.
CP: Something else for you to screw up. See! You are good at something! And what's the best part about being on the hourly conference calls berating you for not administering enough vaccines?
ME: What?
CP: You're not giving shots because you're on the phone telling them why you're not giving shots!
MICE ELF: It's like when they ask why your complaints have risen over the last month and you remind them they cut your hours and you are now in peak shot season.
CP: They will wave a dismissive hand and blame you because they set you up for failure! They EXPECT you to fail! It's genius. In this way, not only are you meeting their expectations, you are exceeding them! Genius!
ME: Well, when you put it that way. . . Promise rings, huh? I like it.
CP: Just don't get too attached. People seem to be loyal to wherever they happen to be at that exact moment.
ME: But they promised.
CP: And with this ring, they shall return.
MICE ELF: Maybe we could repurpose used Nuvarings?
CP: One ring to rule them all?
ME: Gross.

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