No. It's Your Phault

CP: CP's Drachm-A-Rama. How may I help you?

Nurse On Call Lecturing Using Ego: I'm calling back about a message we received the other day?

CP: Ok. What message? I don't have a note from the weekend. 

NOCLUE: No clue. I just had a message to call about this patient's Medrol Dose Pak. 

CP: Oh. Well that's not what the prescription said. It was for Medrol 4mg to take 3 tablets for 1 dose; written to dispense 3 tablets. 

NOCLUE: It was supposed to be a Dose Pak. It's the system's fault. 

CP: Well, I see here that we received 3 prescriptions for Medrol, each for the 4mg: one for 3 tablets, one for 2 tablets, and one for 1 tablet. That's not Dose Pak directions. 

NOCLUE: Yeah. Our system keeps making this mistake. 

CP: Well fortunately, our pharmacist over the weekend was smarter than you and your system and was able to correctly fill the prescription for the patient as: Medrol 4mg. Take 3 tabs (12mg) for 1 day, 2 tabs (8mg) for 1 days, then 1 tab (4mg) for 1 day. 

NOCLUE: Yes. 12, 8, and 4mg. 

CP: That's not the computer's phault, that's user error. Sometimes you have to be smarter than the software. If you keep having these issues, perhaps you need to retrain your staff and get some remedial training on the program. Many other offices use this successfully and aren't irritated when the pharmacy calls to verify the garbage you sent to us. 

UT: There's nothing worse than someone being so wrong yet so convinced of their correctness. 

CP: At least they don't suffer from their delusions. That's our lot in life. 

UT: #NoRespect 

CP: Hey, that's my line. 

Please Phix

Uber-Tech: Hey, check out these directions. 

CP: Nice. Another provider undone by the complexity of their e-script software. 

UT: Yeah. Really difficult to enter directions when it asks for directions. 

CP: I shall call. This should be phun. 

Silly Lady Answering Phones: Dr. Zoffis. How may I help you?

CP: I am calling because I need a prescription corrected and resent and someone to give your provider a lesson in how to use the software. 

SLAP: What seems to be the problem?

CP: Read the directions. 

SLAP: Simvastatin 40mg. Okay?

CP: No. I'm not a baby; I don't need them read TO me. I am asking you to read them to yourself and see the problem. 

SLAP: Ok. 

CP: Phine. Can you have the prescriber resend it with directions that are actual directions? 

SLAP: What should it say?

CP: How about "Take 1 tablet by mouth daily at bedtime"? Period. 

SLAP: Okay. Can I give it to you orally?

CP: You can, but I'm sure someone would get in trouble. I mean, we only just met and you'd have to come here after work and it's a whole thing so if you could just have the prescriber resend an electronic version, I think that would be easiest phor all. 

UT: I can't believe you. 

CP: What? She started it. 

<2 hours later>

UT: <laughing> Well, we received the "corrected" version. 

CP: Pretty much what I expected. 

Book Of Revelations

CPP: What is something you wish people would understand before calling the pharmacy?

CP: Just because your bottle is empty does not mean you are out of medication. 

CPP: Example?

Say That Again But Slower: I need a refill. 

CP: You do not. 

STABS: I do. 

CP: You do not. We refilled you Rx 17 days ago; you still have 13 days remaining. 

STABS: I just emptied my bottle into my weekly pill pack and there are no pills in the bottle. Empty.  

CP: <whispers> thanks for defining "empty" phor me. But can yo. . . 

STABS: I don't have any left. 

CP: You said you took them phrom the bottle and placed them in a weekly pill pack? 

STABS: Yes. 

CP: I'm going to need you to say that again, but slower. 

STABS: <draws it out for effect because I am apparently stupid, not him> I. took. them. from. the. bottle. and. put. them. in. a. pill. pack. 

CP: So you still have medication. 

STABS: Yes. but my bottle is empty. 

CP: But you simply relocated them; rehomed them, if you will. You are still in possession of medication to get you through the next 13 days until your refill is due, yes? 

STABS: I guess. Yes. I see what you mean. 

CP: Just because your bottle is empty, does not mean you are out of medication. 

CPP: Good one. Another, perhaps?

CP: You know me. 

CPP: What's this one titled?

CP: Stay home. 

CPP: Let's hear it. 

Yes, Every Patient: I wish I could get everything on the same day. 

CP: Boy, do I have good news phor you!

YEP: You do?

CP: Yep. You CAN!

YEP: I can?!

CP: Yep. 

YEP: How?

CP: Stay home!

YEP: What?

CP: Don't come in the second you receive a call or text or carrier pigeon. If/when you receive that communication, call in the rest of your refills, or call us and ask what was filled. We keep them filled for 10-13 days (depending on whom you ask and the phase of the moon) so they can stay here where they are safe phrom harm until you are ready to adopt them and bring them to their new permanent, forever home. 

YEP: But I'm down there anyway. 

CP: Then don't complain. Otherwise, your refill dates are calculated on your pickup dates since our system is at least smart enough to know that, if the medications are still in my Will Call Bin, you can't be taking them. Call them in. Wait. Then wait some more. Unless you get the "you have until tomorrow" phone call, then come forthwith. But outside of that, save yourself a trip. Stay Home. Just because your phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it. Just because you saw the smoke signals and semaphores does not mean you have to run immediately to the pharmacy. Seriously, stay home. 

CPP: To quote Xavier McDaniel in the movie Singles: "Steve, don't come yet". 

CP: That's great. But that's a 30 year old movie and most people won't recognise it.

CPP: Do you have more of these Revelations?

CP: Indeed I do. 

CPP: Let's have another round. 

CP: This is just a simple FYI, a PSA, if you will. 

CPP: Ok. Let's hear it. 

CP: May I have your attention please? You do not have to bring your bottle to the pharmacy for your refill.

Asked And Answered

CP: What do we like least?

MICE ELF: Repeating ourselves, whether by answering the same question or having to redo work we've already completed. 

ME: Great trait for working retail. 

CP: Quiet. It's about more than just repeating answers that won't change. Toddlers that continue asking "why" are more tolerable than adults who believe if they keep asking, maybe I'll change my answer; as if I haven't already considered every alternative. 

MICE ELF: Sounds phair. I remember the post you wrote about how everything before the "but" in a conversation is meaningless. 

ME: Yeah. Does this mean that everything asked after the period in your statement is meaningless as well?

CP: That would be correct. Do you know what time it is?

MICE ELF: I'm not phalling phor that. The answer is no. 

CP: Correct. It would not do me any good to say "but you're wearing a watch" or "there's a clock on your computer" or "can't you check your phone?" since I asked you a yes or no question. 

ME: Simple logic. 

MICE ELF: What happened to bring this conversation about again?

CP: More stupid questions. Allow me to illustrate. 

CP: CP's Palace of Dreams and Drachms. How may I help you?

Mail Order Refill Out Now: I forgot to request my refill on time from mail order and now it's going to be late. Can you give me some to get me through?

CP: Have we ever philled this prescription phor you at this pharmacy?

MORON: I don't think so. 

CP: <Checks computer> No. No we have not. Since I do not have a valid prescription phor you, I cannot phill this medication or give you any. Call your doctor, have him send a new prescription to me and I can phill it and you can be satisfied and on your way. Period.

MORON: Can I bring you my bottle to prove I'm taking it?

CP: No. 

MORORN: Can you call mail order to transfer my final refill?

CP: You mean the one you requested late that is now in process and which they won't be able to transfer to me since they are actually using it? No. 

MORON: Can you call my doctor to request a refill?

CP: No. Since I have never filled this phor you, I cannot request a refill since the operative part of that word is re-, as in to phill again. 

MORON: Can you just put some in my old bottle? 

CP: No. And I am not doing this anymore. I have provided you with the answer to your question: No. I then, out of the goodness of my heart, provided the exact steps necessary to allow you to get what you ultimately needed - a medication fill to hold you over until your late-requested refill arrives. This satisfies my obligation to you. My answers will not change just because you do not like them. Since I know you heard me, this means it must be a comprehension issue. Therefore, I will repeat my instructions, then bid you good day: Call your doctor. Ask for them to send a refill to me. I will phill it. All will be well. Period. Good Day. <click>