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Sunday, February 2, 2020

Ask. Answer. Move On

Uber-Tech: What's new, pussycat?
CP: Whoa. Oh, whoa. 
UT: Please stop. It was rhetorical. And painful. 
CP: I'm going to try a theme for the week. 
UT: Sounds phun. 
CP: It is. Maybe I'll throw in a lesson or query at the end to tie the week together. 
UT: What's the theme? 
CP: Dialogue. Simply put, dialogue. 
UT: Can you be more specific? I'm asking to generate interest and keep the readers awake. 
CP: In order to facilitate any transaction, a question is asked and an answer is given. Should be simple, yes?
UT: Indubitably. I'm guessing this week will demonstrate how these simple transactions go awry? 
CP: Hopefully. 

Monday: It's Not Hard
CP: Welcome to the first Monday of the year. How may I help you? 
INH: I am here to retrieve my newly prescribed medications. 
CP: Delightful. First, do you have your new insurance card handy?
INH: You should have it. 
CP: We do not. It changed the first of the year. 
INH: It worked at the doctor. 
CP: Did you give them a card? 
INH: "No. But they knew they had to send my prescriptions here."
CP: Those two are not related. 
INH: I didn't have this problem at my last pharmacy. 
CP: Your insurance changed. Do you have the card? *
INH: They never needed it before. 
CP: Okay. Unless and until you can provide the answers I need, I am going to have to ask you move to the back of the line. Back. Further Back. Like outside the store, in your car, driving home to get your card. 

*people! put your new card in your wallet. toss the old one. you do that for your license or debit card. same concept/process.

Tuesday: It's On There
CP: Welcome to Pill Pauper's Paradise. How may I help you?
IOT: I need this prescription filled. 
CP: Okay. Just need to verify your information. What is the date of birth of the patient?
IOT: It's on there. 
CP: I can't read. And this isn't a Prego commercial. 
IOT: Why do you need it? 
CP: Does it matter? **
IOT: Yes. 
CP: I need to verify we have the correct patient/information/account, etc. 
IOT: I am the only Ass Baggins in town. 
CP: You'd be surprised. So. . . date of birth?
IOT: They don't ask me anywhere else.
CP: They must not care about their licenses or if you get the correct medication. You do realise that I could have your prescription entered by now had you only answered my question when I initially asked, right? 

**never trust the date from the office. had a grandfather take his grandson to the pediatrician and the office typed grandpa's DOB on the hard copy. had another instance where the office confused two patients and switched the profiles resulting in my patient receiving the other patient's Rx--same name, different DOB. just answer the question. 

Wednesday: Pick A Name
PAN: Where is my prescription?
CP: I don't have one.
PAN: This always happens!
CP: I did not find anything under your profile.
PAN: I called my doctor and they sent it.
CP: Okay. Under what name?
PAN: My maiden name!
CP: So when I asked you for your name, shouldn't you have given me that one instead? ***
PAN: Why does this always happen with you people?
CP: Look, if you don't know who you are, how am I supposed to know who you are? To me you're just another Buckcherry song. Shouldn't you be yelling at your doctor's office instead of me?

UT: I think of Sheryl Crow when people give their names at the counter. 
CP: "He says his name is William but I'm sure he's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy."
UT: Yep. It's just a matter of which identity we have in the computer.

***I don't care what you call yourself, just be consistent. it's not my job to know that you go by Susanne at the doctor, by Sue with your friends, and by Siouxsie here.

Thursday: Just Spell It, Douche Baggins
CP: How may I help you?
DB: I am here to pick up my prescription.
CP: Name?
DB: Baggins. Douche Baggins.
CP: Spelled?
DB: Just like it sounds.
CP: Don't say "just like it sounds" when I ask how to spell it. ****
DB: Why not? I always say that. It's easy.
CP: Yes. Easy to mistake it in a chaotic, loud environment.
Perhaps I misheard it?
Perhaps I am hard of hearing?
Perhaps you didn't enunciate or articulate it clearly?
Mayhap you mumbled?
But saying "just like it sounds" is belittling to my staff. We need to type what your name IS not what we heard.
Sure, once you spell it and I can see the letters together in my brain it may sound like it looks, but then again, dough, cough, rough, and plough don't rhyme, nor are they spelled as they sound.

****That's "C" as in czar and "P" as in psyche. We've been over this. Listen Llynda, and you too, Carin, naming your son MicEnZee may be novel, but you have to deal with this your whole life. I should only have to deal with it for the fewest seconds possible to complete our transaction. Spell it. Move on.

UT: You made it to Friday!
CP: You had doubts?
UT: Never. You're stubborn. Think everyone remembered the first post?
CP: Rephresh.
UT: We were talking about dialogue; how an interaction is a simple exchange.
CP: Ask a question. Question gets answered. Move to next question or statement.
UT: Hence the theme of Ask. Answer. Move Along.
CP: Right.
UT: What happened?
CP: Consistently, every day this week, each post received well over 100 comments.
UT: Phascinating.
CP: It is. It proves my initial point.
UT: That being?
CP: People like to make everything more complicated than it needs to be.
If I ask for you name, give it.
If it may be spelled multiple ways, spell the one you use.
If I ask for your DOB, I need it. Provide it without being phancy and move along.
If I ask for insurance. Provide it.
UT: If I ask what time you wish to pick up your prescription (wait for it, 30 minutes, tonight, this weekend, etc.) answer the question with a statement. Pick a time that works for your schedule. Sign up for texts or calls or whatever service your pharmacy offers and return when you receive the notification. It's not a debate.
CP: Right. You chose to do business with me. (yes, yes you did. your insurance may require my pharmacy, but there are other options around. I checked.) These are the requirements I have in order to conduct said business with you. Should you choose not to provide any of the required information, you are rendering our current, and likely all phuture, transactions incapable of being completed in a timely fashion. This will result in time penalties accrued and applied at my discretion.
UT: We need to employ the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld method to ordering. "Hold out your money, speak your information in a loud clear voice, and move to the side. . . It's very important not to embellish your order."
CP: Like the military: name, rank, serial number.
UT: Succinct.
CP: Or more recently, for the younger fans, Nate Bargatze's minimalist approach to ordering at Starbucks: "Coffee. Cup. Milk."

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