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Friday, September 21, 2018

Yes, This Is The Recommendation You Are Looking For

There's a difference between ignoring the advice you sought and arguing with the source.
Angry Little Elf Seeking The One Remedy Miracle: I need your advice. I come here all the time.
CP: What seems to be the trouble?
ALESTORM: I scraped my arm on a screw and now I have this inch wide scrape and I need to know what to do.
CP: Have you had a tetanus shot?
ALESTORM: Why? That's for rusty nails. I put peroxide on it.
CP: Ok. Maybe not the best choice.
ALESTORM: But it fizzed.
CP: Yes. That's the murder of millions of your cells, all screaming in their death throes. Did you try a bandage?
ALESTORM: Yes. But it kept sucking the blood out of me.
CP: Vampire bandage? Made by Lestat?
ALESTORM: What do I do? I'm not going to the ER, my doctor won't call me back, and I need your advice.
CP: Promise to take it?
ALESTORM: Nope. But I'll argue with you if you don't tell me what I don't know I want.
CP: Sounds right. Wash it with water. Pat dry. Place Neosporin Cream on it. Cover it with a bandage.
ALESTORM: But I don't want the bandage to suck out my fluids.
CP: Your wound is weeping. It will weep whether there is a bandage on there or not. This keeps you from moisturizing everything you touch with your flesh wound. Please cover it.
ALESTORM: Do I need waterproof or regular?
CP: Regular is what I handed you.
ALESTORM: But should I get waterproof?
CP: Planning on swimming soon? Getting a fish mani-pedi?
ALESTORM: No. But I'm washing my hair.
CP: Since this is on your forearm, I'd hate to see how you wash your hair if you're going to get this sopping wet.
ALESTORM: I'll take both. You don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what I want and I came here for help and you're not helping me.
CP: My apologies. Please allow me to reiterate and I will be blunt, so there can be no misunderstanding. Go home. Wash your wound. Apply Neosporin. Cover it with a bandage of your choosing.
ALESTORM: What about this other stuff?
CP: Tegaderm? No.
CP: Hydrocortisone? No.
CP: That's the ointment of the Neosporin I gave you.
ALESTORM: It costs more so it must be better.
CP: Yes. At occluding your weeping wound, trapping bacteria, and hastening your demise. Stick with the cream.
ALESTORM: You haven't helped me one bit. I don't know why I come here.
CP: Because your life sucks, you're bored, and you like to annoy and intimidate people so you feel better about yourself for a minute or two?
ALESTORM: How often do I change the bandage?
CP: You've never used a bandage before?
ALESTORM: Not these.
CP: When they are dirty. If they fall off. If they're wet. If you no longer like the appearance of them.
ALESTORM: I'm just taking what you gave me and going home. This was a waste of time.
CP: You can say that again. But at least you got what you didn't know you needed and I got a headache.

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