I have written, often, about how patients' expectations reside outside the realm of reality; so much so that expectations and reality actually conflict with each other. With that in mind, I have decided to create a business model for pharmacy. I am going to open a group of pharmacies that exist outside reality. In order to survive in a crowded marketplace where competition is fierce, one must change the game. You must be able to adapt to the finicky needs of your clientele. Discounted Unrealistic Patient Expectation Drugstores will cater to the modern-day patient.
DUPED will offer the following services and modern-day amenities unavailable anywhere:
1. Label-Slapping Only Lines: If your prescription is for a medication that comes in a box or unit-of-use package (Medrol Dose Pack, Z-Pak, Eye/Ear Drops, et al.) then step right up. Simply show us your prescription and we will grab a label from under the counter, turn around, grab your box and slap that bitch hard! Move along.
2. No counters: We will have floor-to-ceiling glass walls separating us from the public. This way, people can watch our every move…which means I now have to wear pants.
3. It's Free!: Unhappy with your copay? Confused about which pharmacy you are actual standing in at this moment? Simply invoke the "I thought it was free…" clause and we will waive your copay. After all, our whore profession has bestowed upon everyone this welfare mentality.
4. No Prescription Required: Was your prescription supposedly sent by your prescriber? Did you "watch him hit the 'enter' key"? Did she say it'd be ready when you got here? No matter. Simply tell us what you think you were prescribed and we will make it happen for you. If you're really lucky, you'll be able to sidle on down to the "Label-Slapping Only" line for faster service.
5. Instant Refills: No refills on your prescriptions? We are supposed to call/fax/email your prescriber for renewals? Not a problem here at DUPED. Step right into this line and, with the push of a button, the click of a mouse, and the flick of the wrist with my magic wand, PRESTO! your bottles will be automatically refilled. Of course there will be that little matter of paying for an office visit (Provider Status and all that stuff).
6. Questions Only: For those of you who cannot be bothered with waiting in lines, or for those who like to push to the front to "just ask a quick question", we will install special (mega)phones throughout the store for you. Like the price checker machines located in many retailers, these phones will enable you to walk right up, pick up the receiver, randomly shout your question, and have it be heard only through the Bose speaker system placed directly in the pharmacy. Do not worry about pestering us with simple queries such as "where is the bathroom?" or "where are the shoelaces?" for our staff is completely knowledgeable and trained in the location of everything in the entire store.
7. Bathrooms: Since the number one question we receive is about where to go number two, we will install bathrooms at all 4 corners of the store, on both sides of the entrance, in the dead center of the store, and on either side of the pharmacy. People will still miss them despite the neon arrows flashing overhead to alert them, but we hope to save you time.
8. Wait Times: These are a thing of the past here at DUPED. We will no longer tell you a time to come back for your prescription. With the multiple lanes available for your convenience and the clear glass walls separating the staff from the patients, you can follow your prescription as it wends its way through all the processing steps involved in its production. Think of a cross between Subway and a luggage sorting machine at LAX.
Thank you for your time and we look forward to servicing you. We will not have customer satisfaction surveys, but we hope you will tell all your friends you have been DUPED.
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