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Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Maybe It's A You Problem

CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms, Is this I Can't Always Remember Usual Stuff? 
ICARUS: It is. 
CP: I am calling today to let you know that your courtesy refill is due this week and we have to order enough to fulfill your insurance's new requirement to fill a 90 days supply. It will be in tomorrow. 
ICARUS: I have plenty because you guys always fill them a few weeks early anyway. 
CP: A few weeks early? 
CP: On a 30 days supply? 
CP: Hmm. Sounds implausible. May I put phorth a second theory phor why you have an excess?
ICARUS: Yeah. You keep filling them too early. 
CP: Hunh. We phill your refills based on the dates when you actually pick up your medication phrom us. I proffer, now hear me out, that maybe, just maybe, potentially, you are not so compliant; missing doses, skipping doses, giving doses the cold shoulder. It's a theory. We could test it. 
ICARUS: Yeah. You fill them too soon and call me to come pick them up, which I have to do so you'll stop calling me. 
CP: Yes, it could be that, or, again, hear me out on this: we have filled these roughly every 37 days since Halloween. You've been picking them up about 3-7 days later, on average. This means you should have been out of medication long before you received them. Therefore, your stockpile is of your own making. I rest my case.
ICARUS: Your honour! May I rebut? 
CPP: You may not. The math checks out and you could not be more of a but so to rebut would be redundant. Case dismissed. 

CPP: Now do the lady with the 90 days supply.
CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms. Is this Can't Remember Any Way Drugs Are Dosed? 
CRAWDAD: It is. 
CP: I was calling to let you know that your 90 days refill is due and is on order phor tomorrow. 
CRAWDAD: Oh I don't need it. You keep philling it too early. 
CP: According to my calculations, you are due in two days. 
CRAWDAD: Well I have about 80 left. 
CP: That's a pretty sizable estimate. Seeing as how we filled your previous prescription 87 days ago, you should have maybe a dose for today plus the next two days, not 80-odd doses remaining. 
CRAWDAD: It's cuz y'all keep filling them so damn early. 
CP: Ooooorrrrr, just maybe, you aren't taking them correctly? Maybe they changed your dose? Frequency? You were in hospital? Sabbatical? Hajj? 
CRAWDAD: Nope. I never miss a dose. I phill my pill packs every week.
CP: <whispers> yeah you phill them, but do you empty them? 
CRAWDAD: What's that?
CP: I agree. You're right. You never miss a dose. I shall wait to hear phrom you until we next phill your refills. 
CRAWDAD: <sounding sceptical> Why the attitude change?
CP: Oh. I realised you were correct; you never miss A dose. You miss A LOT of doses. Therefore, since we can't predict when you will need a refill again, we are leaving your healthcare up to you. Good day!

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