If Your Hospital Operated Like Your Pharmacy

CP: Hi. Thanks for staying with us this weekend. Did you find everything you were looking for?

PT: Um. Yes. I was here to give birth to my baby. 

CP: Wonderful. Well I see we processed your insurance card. Let's head over to checkout and we will get you out the door with that adorable bundle. 

PT: Thanks. I'm exhausted. 

CP: I bet. Okay. Do you have a loyalty card with us? 

PT: <puzzled> Not really sure. 

CP: I can look it up by your phone number if you really don't have it. 

PT: I'm not really interested. 

CP: You don't want the coupons?

PT: For what? 

CP: $10.00 of your next delivery or BOGO adult diapers!

PT: No. 

CP: Would you like any of the following vaccines today?

PT: Didn't I get them already? 

CP: Maybe. It's almost always flu shot season so we like to get ahead. Or COVID vaccine? HPV is a hot seller this month. I could double tap you and your SO right now if you like? 

PT: I think I'll pass, thank you. 

CP: Ok. We will continue to ask this each time you visit us. You're bound to submit eventually. Would you like to receive texts about our services? 

PT: Not really. I delivered a baby. I don't visit here regularly. 

CP: So that would be a "no" for automated refill reminders, doctor calls, home delivery, and cheese-of-the-month club? 

PT: Yes. No. No! to all of it. I just want to get home with my baby. I've been here for days. 

CP: I understand. But if I don't ask all these questions, they make us dress up in velcro fly suits and shoot us out of a cannon onto a velcro spider wall where the corporate overlords feast upon us overnight. This really should be a simple "sign here, good day" transaction but most people end up hating us about here as we are only halfway done. 

PT: <looks down> Can I, um?

CP: Yep. Nurse away. I feel her pain. And yours. Moving on. Are you interested in donating to the Charity-of-the-Moment fund? It helps corporate get a write-off without doing anything and you can feel good about yourself for a few seconds. 

PT: I give at the office. 

CP: Would you like us to get a delivery room ready for you for this time next year? 

PT: What? 

CP: It's our proactive procreative program. It's good to strike while the iron is hot so we discover many couples return within a year of giving birth to deliver their next one. There's a discount if you book now. We will send you monthly fertility reminders, when to have sex now that you have a newborn pamphlets, ovulation predictors, and you'll get 400 loyalty points just for signing up. 

PT: Sure. Anything to get out of here.

CP: Great! I may make my quota this time and not have to become a fly again. 

PT: Anything else? 

CP: No. Well, now that you mention it, since you are leaving with more people than you entered with, we are going to have to add your baby and repeat the entire process for her. 

PT: <exhaustedly> Just mark "yes" for everything.