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Monday, November 18, 2019

I Know What I Need

CP: Oh baby, I. . . I know what I need.
Uber-Tech: Why are you bastardizing songs again? 
CP: For this little vignette

CP: CP's Pharmacy. This is CP, Proprietor and Head Pill Pauper. How may I help you?
Can't Understand News That I'm Sharing Here: I'm calling to see if my prescription is ready. 
CP: Over the phone? 
CP: How can you "see" if it's ready over the phone? You should come in for that. 
CUNTISH: I wish to know if it is ready. 
CP: AH. That makes more sense. Name, DOB, favourite author?
CUNTISH: Um. CUNTISH, 5/5/75, Seuss?
CP: Got it. Thanks. Unfortunately I have nothing ready for retrieval. 
CUNTISH: Why the hell not? 
CP: Many reasons, I suppose: We didn't feel like filling anything for you; we blackballed your order; you didn't call it in; you opted out of on-time refills; you're out of refills; the prescriber didn't call in anything yet; you have the wrong pharmacy; it's Wednesday; Mars isn't in retrograde; I have a headache; APhA still sucks. . . 
CUNTISH: Yeah yeah yeah. Just fill my prescription. 
CP: Now that you have called and politely requested I prepare your prescription, I shall fill it forthwith. 
CUNTISH: You mean to tell me that if I hadn't called, you wouldn't have filled it? 
CP: Pretty much that's exactly what I said. That is how the system works. 
CUNTISH: <scoffs> Unbelievable!
CP: Why unbelievable? I don't send money to places that don't send me bills. Even babies cry for attention. They cry to be fed, to be changed, to be held and it's up to you to determine what they need when they cry. A happy, quiet baby is usually sleeping and doesn't need to be stirred and asked "are you hungry? do you need changed? wanna play?" or it gets a little angry and now you have to phix a problem you created. Unless and until you cry to be fed, I'm not going to harass you begging to fill your prescriptions. Now a corporation may text and call and email and do drone flyovers begging for your business, annoying you, but a happy, quiet you is not of my concern. Unlike a newborn, you are fully capable of operating the technology required to contact me, use your words, and ask for a refill when you notice your ba-ba is empty. Grow up!
CUNTISH: <click>

UT: Wow. Nicely done. 
CP: Adulting is hard. I often wonder what these people do when the supplies in their refrigerators are exhausted. Or the gas in their cars. 
UT: Toilet paper. Can't you just hear them in their bathrooms screaming for help, or calling Charmin asking why they weren't told they only had a single square to spare and how last night was Taco Tuesday?
CP: I should rerun my "But Her Refrigerator Was Still Running" post. 
UT: Still one of my faves. 

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