Pharmers Only

Pharmacies are constantly trying to come up with ways to make patients' visits more enjoyable. Instead of phocusing solely on prescriptions, they are offering new services. 

Introducing: "Pharmers Only", an in-store dating app that will provide matches while you wait.  

How does it work? 

Upon enrolling in the service, you will upload a list of your current medications and the desired medication profile of your potential partner. Every time you get a new prescription, an alert is sent to other patients who received medications on your "prepherred list". Both of you will be given similar pickup windows. It's called the "Kismet" pheature. 

What if I am already in the store? 

The app will ping you and a potential match alerting you there is a #PharmMatch nearby. It's the  matches-while-you-wait pheature. We expect it to be the most popular use of our app. 

What if I only take maintenance medications? 

This is the easiest use of our system. Simply review patients based solely on their medication profiles and our system will synchronize your refills with the match(es) you have selected for that month. 

Can I select certain medications to exclude matches? 
Yes. If your medications may produce an interaction with a potential match's profile, you can exclude those. 

What if I'm thinking a little more superficial? 
<sighs> Yes. You can exclude all profiles that have filled Valtrex, Denavir, or Zovirax in the past. Happy? 

Can I select certain profiles based on one medication? 
Dude. No. You cannot select "Birth Control" as the only criterion. 

Can you supply some of your lame pharmacy pickup lines to help break the ice? 
Of course. But you have to choose wisely. 

1. "I'm easily administered, like Lactulose. I can be taken orally or rectally."
2. "Single this Valentine's Day? Come to the pharmacy where we can treat your VD . . . blues."
3. "Call me Proair because you can use me every 4 hours as needed."
4. "You must be a 5-alpha reductase inhibitor because that is one Finasteride."
5. "You can always get it over the counter at the pharmacy. Just ask."
6. "Pharmacists come in prescribed doses."
7. "Are you here to pick up a bottle of insulin because you are extra sweet."
8. "I need to keep Amiodarone on hand because every time I see you, my heart skips a beat."
9. "A pharmacist's love is like Nystatin Suspension-you have to swish before you swallow."
10. "If you're looking for a short-term fling, I've got just this thing. Call me Medrol and I'll be all over you the first day before slowly slipping away."

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

. . . unless they are pharmacy patients. Then all bets are off and you'd better phind a solution.

Even then. . . 

Backorders happen. 

Any number of things may cause them. From weather (see Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico) to bombings of factories, from an interruption in the supply chain to a shortage of raw ingredients to greedy manufacturers, there have been many reasons for shortages in my #PharmLife. Yet no explanation has been able to mollify every member of the public. Phor some reason we, a most trusted profession, are either lying to them, hoarding it all phor ourselves, or really bad at ordering and should be phired. 

Then, once you have convinced them you have not been lying for the last 6 months and offer them an alternative, they get angrier. 

Sometimes, the customer is just an ass. 

CP: Thanks for calling CP's Drug Emporium. How may I phail to meet your unreasonable standards today? 

Getting Really Upset at My Pharmacy Yet Again: I was told to call ahead so you don't mess up my life-saving blood pressure prescription. 

CP: Cut right to the chase, do we? I like that. 

GRUMPY-A: I need a specific manufacturer of my medication. If you don't have it, I shall have to go somewhere else. I want to know before I call my doctor.  

CP: Of the 25mg tablets, I currently have Teva. 

GRUMPY-A: Of course. That is one of the ones I cannot take. 

CP: As you are fully aware, because you always ask phor me when calling, this medication has been on backorder phor the better part of 6 months. I am quite phortunate today to have even the phew phrom Teva on my shelf. 

GRUMPY-A: I guess I'll just have to call around and see who has it. No one else seems to have it either. 

CP: Well, backorders tend to phornicate with pharmacy inventories nationwide. It's not exclusive to our little hamlet. 

GRUMPY-A: What else can I do? 

CP: Can you take the Mylan brand? 

GRUMPY-A: That is the only one I can take. Why? 

CP: I have the Mylan brand in 50mg. They are scored, but you'd have to split them. 

GRUMPY-A: <flabbergasted and appalled> But then I'd have to CUT THEM!!!

CP: Good to know you're phollowing. It's now up to you to determine which is the less inconvenient option. Do you want to continue combing the desert phor the needle-in-the-haystack or do you want to split 15 tablets in half with a tablet cutter while dreaming up new ways to annoy me with all the phree time you'll have now that you're not calling around? 

GRUMPY-A: I'll have to think about it. 

CP: Of course. Can't be too hasty when it comes your "life-saving blood pressure medication". 

"Now I got the gun you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can blow you away or you can ride with me"

Shift The Blame - If The Real World Worked. . .

I went to the grocery store.
I had a list.
I was supposed to buy coffee and creamer.
That's it. Two items.
I came home with the coffee and forgot the creamer.
If this were my pharmacy, I would call the grocery store, yell at the manager that they were responsible for my forgetting the 2nd item on my list, demand a gift card for my troubles, and ruin their day.
This is not the real world, but it is my pharmacy:

Forgetful Lady Yelling: I came down to the pharmacy to pick up two items and you gave me one.
CP: Shouldn't you have noticed when I handed you one item?
FLY: That's not the point.
CP: Okay. What are you missing?
FLY: How am I supposed to know?
CP: Well they are your prescriptions and as there were only supposed to be two of them . . .
FLY: I threw the bottles away as soon as I called them in to you.
CP: And the instant they hit the bottom of your waste receptacle, you forgot what you were taking? What you were taking every single day?
FLY: Yes.
CP: I really hope I can forget this conversation that quickly.
FLY: What's the point of calling them in to you if I have to remember what I take?
CP: Okay. Look at your bottles. Stare at them. Is there something missing?
FLY: Yes. My stomach pill.
CP: Okay. It looks like I . . .
FLY: . . . and my cholesterol one, and my memory one, and my one for memory, and my blood thinner.
CP: Okay. That's 4 more. You said you were missing one of the two you called in earlier.
FLY: Now that I look at it, I only have that one.
CP: Well I have to get all of these ready.
FLY: You mean I have to come back?
CP: You don't have to come back. No. There are plenty of options for people when they forget to call in or leave with all of their medications.
FLY: Such as?
CP: You could just stop taking everything. It is the most convenient option but I'd advise against that. You could transfer everything to another pharmacy and go there instead of coming back here. Maybe they won't forget you're forgetting something. You could send someone else in your stead? That way you could continue checking for any other medications we may have forgotten you were needing.