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Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Time = (Their) Money

I've recently made a new discovery. While insurance companies have oft been the least-looked-forward-to phone calls of my day, they have breathed new life into the game.
Typically, we have to call insurance companies for some reason every day.
Whether it's due to a duplicate fill spurred by a timing issue in the system or a vacation override, or an interaction override, we have to call them.
After navigating their phone tree, which is like trying to determine the lineage of all the bastards on Game of Thrones, we finally succeed in speaking to a real, live human person.

Aetna Insurance Dude: How may I help you?
CP: Are you real?
AID: I'm a real boy!
CP: Thanks Pinocchio. I need help with a vacation override.
AID: I will be more than happy to feign attempts at providing assistance all whilst successfully ruining your happy thoughts and making you curse me over drinks tonight. How may I accomplish this for you?
CP: First, use a word that means "more than happy". Tell me you'd be elated, ecstatic, overjoyed, delighted, euphoric, or even pleased as punch. "More than happy" is lame and overused. One could say it's become hackneyed, trite, banal, or even platitudinous. Second, I have a gentleman here visiting from Nebraska and he ran out of his insulin. Can we get a vacation override for him?
AID: Allow me to diligently check my files. Why does he need a refill?
CP: He is out. As I stated.
AID: I see. Well, we just filled a 90-day supply for him last month. He should have enough.
CP: He does. In Nebraska. He was due to return a few days ago but his plans unfortunately changed and he needs to spend a few more days here.
AID: The patient can call himself and request an override, but he has to do it at least 5 days before traveling.
CP: Do you hear yourself when you speak or is there some kind of philter they put on your headset that makes sense of the words you read verbatim from the "Book of Approved Phrases to Piss Off Pharmacists"?
AID: Is he out of medication?
CP: There you go again. Let me put you on hold and I'll check with him.

<This was the part that was #PhunkyPhresh to me>

AID: "Ok. But I am only allowed to hold for 2 minutes each time."
CP: Que?
AID: "I am only allowed to hold for 2 minutes each time."
CP: So first I have to navigate a lengthy phone tree, then wait on hold until you pick up and spend forever on the phone, but if I have to put you on hold, you can't be inconvenienced to wait more than 2 minutes? I guess that makes sense. What else am I going to do? Hang up? Start the whole process again? It's my time I'll be wasting. Now I know why you check on something, come back after 1:59 and tell me you're still searching, put me back on hold, then repeat the process. You'd save more time if you quit coming back until it was phixed.
AID: I am sorry but unless the patient calls 5 days ahead of his vacation, we cannot help him.
CP: I know you're just the mouthpiece for these policies, but that's a new level of #Phuckery.

From now on, just put the insurance on hold every 1:55 and keep coming back. See how many holds we can get before we lose them.
AID: What's the ID#?
CP: Please hold <1:55> MB . . . please hold <1:55> . . .

I know I'd be wasting my time, but it would be so much more phun.

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