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Friday, September 9, 2011

The Future of Pharmacy

Brothers and Sisters in Pharmacy-Dom, please allow me to show you the future.  Thank you all for being here today.  Prepare to be amazed, dazzled, awestruck, and even a little weepy.  Over the next few paragraphs I shall outline for you the business model that will revolutionize pharmacy practice as we know it.

Having spent a few years in practice and devoting my life to studying the practice of pharmacy, the general public, and the evolution of our customers from thoughtful, reverent patrons to resentful, demanding, impatient douchebags (sorry, "guests"), I have arrived at the following plan for us all.  I call it "Pharmacy As Total Healthcare (P.A.T.H.)" Licensing agreements will be available to all levels of government.

The Basic Plan:  For a regular monthly fee assessed to the patient, we will perform all of the following:

  1. Schedule you doctor's appointments for you.
  2. Go to your scheduled appointments FOR you.
  3. Get your prescriptions from these appointments for you.
  4. Take these prescriptions to your pharmacist (me).
  5. Fill all of your prescriptions for you.
     As of today, refills will NOT be allowed under this plan.  We will repeat this process on a monthly basis upon collection of the monthly fee.  If you agree to pay the entire year up front on January 1st of each year, we will include refills and add:
     6.  Notify you when refills are coming due and start again.

The Basic Plus Plan:  Includes all of the above while also providing

     7.  Deliver all of your filled prescriptions to your house.

The Premium Plan:  this will add

     8.  Have all lab work and diagnostic tests performed FOR you.

The Executive Plan:  will include

     9.  We will keep your filled prescriptions on-site and take them FOR you.  This will minimize side effects and the potential that you will miss doses.

The Platinum Plan:  is only  available for our patients with narcotics

    10.  This will enable us through networking to sell your narcotics on the street FOR you so you need not risk your own life.  As a bonus for enrolling in this Plan, you will earn a 5% commission on sales, the industry standard, which is the same commission provided to our sales force.

You will find this new, innovative model will take the worry out of your life and put the Care back in healthcare.  As you can see, we offer a wide variety of plans to meet your every need and options can be changed as your healthcare needs change.  This program eliminates all of the blocks to quality healthcare in America: no longer will you have to worry about making appointments, seeing specialists, missing medication doses, running out of medication and asking for a few pills until your doctor calls, or even taking many medications and dealing with side effects.  From the safety and security of your own couch, you too can have worry-free healthcare.  We will also know what medications are the most cost-effective for you and formulary-approved through our exhaustive research and collaborative agreements with the largest health insurers.  By forcing doctors, while at your appointments for you, to only prescribe approved medications, we can save you and the pharmacy (me, again) a lot of time that we can spend on more improvements to the P.A.T.H. system.
Overall, this is a win-win-win situation.  Insurers don't have to inflate their costs since they are only paying for cheaper, approved medications.  Pharmacists know the drugs are covered when prescribed and don't have to make multiple calls to offices to track down refill requests and prior authorization.  Patients have finally achieved what they have been wanting for years-Totally Hands-Off Healthcare!  They can finally say they have absolutely no personal accountability in their own healthcare (as long as the check clears each month).

Thank you for your time.  All persons interested in investing in this world-changing idea should contact me directly and we can work out the details.

*Fees and services are non-negotiable, but may be subject to change based on volume of subscriptions, street/market value of certain substances.  Previous performance is not an indicator of future anything.

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