Breathe Deep

CP: Thanks phor phoning CP's Emporium. How may I help you today? 

CANDY: I need a refill. 

CP: Certainly. Do you have the Rx number? 

CANDY: No. But I know the name. 

CP: That helps too. What's your name? 

CANDY: CANDY (Cees Are Not Dees Y'know). 

CP: Okay. And what do you need refilled? 

CANDY: My diaphragm.

CP: Oh. Okay. Take a deep breath. 

CANDY: <inhales> Okay. Now what? 

CP: You refilled your diaphragm. 

CANDY: No. My medication. It's called diaphragm. 

CP: Okay. Like the little trampoline for sperm? We do phill those upon occasion but rarely refill them. Usually they're not supposed to get full. 

CANDY: No. My medication. I take it by mouth. 

CP: That's not how diaphragms work. That's called a #DentalDam. 

CANDY: No. The medication I take phor depression. 

CP: Do you have the bottle? 

CANDY: Yes. 

CP: The one with the Rx# on it? 

CANDY: Uh-huh. 

CP: Which would have helped in the phirst place but would not have resulted in this phunny encounter? 

CANDY: Yes. 

CP: Spell the name phor me. 

CANDY: C-I-T-A-L-O-P-R-A-M. 

CP: You do know that "C" and "D" are not pronounced the same, right? Not sure how you got the rest of the letter salad that resulted in CITALOPRAM becoming DIAPHRAGM but you win the award phor #PharmacyQuoteOfTheWeek. 

Pills

Pills, all I really want is pills.
And in the morning it's pills.
Cause in the evening's still pills.

I learned the way that they work
And how all them need be took
And I know what you take them for
You see me when you need some more.

Ev-er-y day
I work with pills in many ways
I have to pour them on my tray
The little lip will make them stay
This keeps them from rolling away
With spatula I get to play
Counting pills is just one way
We fill prescriptions every day

Now don't you say, "You just pour pills upon that tray
Just slap a label on it, kay?"
It doesn't work in just that way
To the insurance Gods we pray
For your prescription they will pay
If not there will be some delay
Upon me blame I know you'll lay
But you'll come back another day

Pills - to treat infections
Pills - to get erections
Pills - to make you happy
Pills - and not so flabby
Pills, that's what I really love is pills
Five at a time I count pills
Into new bottles I place pills
All day is spent counting pills, pills, pills, pills, pills!