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Friday, March 10, 2017

Pharmacy Posse

If our professional organizations won't take care of us, then we owe it to ourselves to take matters into our own hands.

My proposal is this: We need to gang up. Not unionize, but gang up. We will form posses. Each band of droogs will be comprised of all the pharmacies in the neighboring town. Our mission will be to harass the harassers. I will go to your store and you will go to mine. Think of us as the next generation of secret shoppers.

We will intimidate the intimidators. Hate the haters. Love the lovers.
We will just mill about the pharmacy waiting, drop off, and pick up areas. If we notice patients giving a hard time to any of the employees, our professional brethren, we will step in as casual customers, and put them in their place.

"Hey, I want them to take their time and not make any mistakes on my prescription. STFU and leave them alone!"
"Do you always treat the people who take care of you with such venom? I bet you yell at the wait staff serving your food. I wonder how many times people have spit in your entree."
"Where do you work? When we get done here, we're phollowing you back to your office to stare and yell at you."
Maybe we could stand uncomfortably close to them. Make eye contact while slowly inhaling the perfume off the back of their necks, then whisper "your hair smells lovely".

Armed only with our wit and CP 5000 Kitana spatulas, we will come to the defence and run interference for our pharmacy phriends in need.

But CP, what about the good ones?
Customer service surveys. Indeed, we all need these to maximize our bonuses. It is the only true measure of a good pharmacy staff. Never mind that stuff about not making mistakes and being the best professional we can be. The only way to know if a pharmacy member is worth her salt is through the totally worthless metrics. This is where we step in.

CP's Army: Excuse me. Did you receive the correct prescription?
Pt: Yes.
CPA: Did the pharmacist review it with you?
Pt: Yes.
CPA: And you are happy with their job performance today?
Pt: Yes.
CPA: She made sure your prescriber didn't kill you. She even called to change the dose on that antibiotic for your baby.
Pt: She did?
CPA: She did. And she didn't even seek credit for it because it's her job.
Pt: I didn't know she did all that.
CPA: You're going to call the 1-800 and give her all positive marks?
Pt: No. I never do those.
CPA: Let me rephrase. (Best Jedi impression): You ARE going to call and give her positive marks.
Pt: I am indeed!
CPA: Good. Feel the Phorce Phlow through you. G'Day!

Of course Option #2 will be to have the patient make the phone call directly from the waiting area.
CPA: Your pharmacist is calling right now to phix your prescriber's phailures in prescribing.
Pt: She is?
CPA: You should call the 1-800 number and thank corporate for employing such an attentive, detail-oriented professional to take care of you. Here, use one of my phones.

Option #3 will go like this:
CPA: You're going to call, right?
Pt: Nope. Piss off.
CPA: Okay. In that case, you got two choices of what you can do. It's not a tough decision as you can see. I can blow you away or you can hand your receipt to me.
Pt: <hands over receipt>
CPA: Thank you. Your positive 1-800 call is on its way. I bet you don't tip your wait staff very well either.


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