Seeing Is Not Believing

<patient approacheth drop off window>

CP: Greetings. Are you dropping off today? 

Another Customer Exhibiting One's Failure Bout Appreciating Simple Signs: No. Picking up. 

CP: <looks up> Clearly. I shall help you down there. <points to pickup>

ACE OF BASS: Yeah. I saw the sign. 

CP: <looks up at Drop Off sign under which patient now stands> Did you though? Did it open up your eyes? When you saw the sign?

ACE OF BASS: Yes. I saw it. 

CP: But did you comprehend it? Life is demanding without understanding. 

ACE OF BASS: I saw the sign.

CP: No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong, but where do you belong?

ACE OF BASS: At pickup?

CP: Precisely. 

 

UT: How do you know so many song lyrics? 

CP: It's a gift. 

UT: Seriously though. Everything I say or patients say at work somehow leads you to a song lyric right off the top of your head. 

CP: I think in movie quotes and song lyrics. 

UT: No one is going to believe you had this conversation with someone and knew these lyrics. 

CP: That's why you're here; my witness. 

UT: Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.

CP: Nice.

Not Your Messenger

CP: Thank you phor calling CP's Cellar of Physic. How may I assist thee?

Female Rapidly Using My Patience: Did my prescriber call in my refill yet?

CP: We are indeed in receipt of your medication. 120 tablets for 30 days. 

FRUMP: It's supposed to be 240 tablets. I take 2 tablets at a time. 

CP: They sent us 120 at 1 tablet per dose. Perhaps you should call them. 

FRUMP: I always take 2 tablets. I've been taking 2 tablets forever. 

CP: Apparently, your streak comes to an end today. If you're expecting something different, you should call. Maybe she is weaning you off the medication? Or making a change?

FRUMP: No. She didn't say anything to me. You need to get the correct prescription. 

Uber-Tech: Thoughts?

CP: Bets?

UT: Prescriber changed it?

CP: That's my guess. Let's call. 

Nurse On Phone Exasperated: Dr. Zoffis, How may I help you?

CP: CP phrom Cellar of Physic calling to verify an e-script I received phor a patient. 

NOPE: Sure. 

CP: It came across as "1 qid" but the patient states she was expecting it to be "2 qid" as she previously received. Did the prescriber change her dosing?

NOPE: Let me check <mumbles the notes as she reads> Yes. 

CP: Ok. That's what we thought. Can you call her and explain that to her? She's called thrice this morning and yelled at us that we aren't filling it correctly and somehow, we can't read it correctly or interpret it correctly and one should be two. 

UT: When two become one?

CP: "Come a little bit closer, baby, Get it on, get it on 'Cause tonight is the night when two become one."

NOPE: Huh. 

CP: Nothing. Can you call?

NOPE: Nope. She was notified 30 days ago at her appointment. 

CP: Well apparently it didn't sink in. Can you call her again so she stops harassing us?

NOPE: Phine. 

UT: Think it'll sink in this time?

CP: Nope. She won't be happy that two became one. 

UT: She'll probably still take two anyway.

This Is The Reason. . .

 . . . You Can't Just Write What You Want And The Pharmacist Won't Just Fill It

CP: How often have we said "If you're a prescriber and you don't know how to prescribe a medication, perhaps you shouldn't be prescribing it"?

CPP: in aeternum. I don't mind if they call for some help, but I also don't want to prescribe the medication for them.

CP: Yeah, we should get a consulting fee on some of these. I do appreciate them leveraging us but choosing the medication and telling them how to write it is a bit much. 

CPP: Especially when they send it to another pharmacy. Or completely ignore our advice.

CP: Exactly. 

CPP: What spurred this topic today?

CP: A recent conversation with a prescriber and his nurse.

CP: Hello, Nurse!

Nurse Obviously Clueless Like U Expect: Hey, CP. Did you receive the e-script we sent?

CP: I did. Except there's a problem; the Oxycontin isn't available as 50mg. 

NO CLUE: It's not? Doctor wasn't sure. He stepped the patient up from 20mg to 40mg and wanted to go to 50mg now. 

CP: The next increase is 60mg. 

NO CLUE: Well he wants 50mg.

CP: The only way to achieve that would be to prescribe 40mg plus 10mg (or 20mg plus 30mg) but I'd advise against it. It will be quite difficult to get both strengths approved. Especially with how quickly he moved the patient from 20mg to 40mg, I'd go with 60mg. I have 10, 20, 30, 40, 60 in stock. 

NO CLUE:  How about 25mg? 

CP: No. The only ones they make I am missing are 15mg and 80mg.

NO CLUE: So there's no other way to get 50mg?

CP: I'm still recommending against it based on the patient's history but no, there is not.  

NO CLUE: Okay. I'll check with him. 

 

<1 hour later>

CP: So I see we received Rx's for 10mg and 40mg Oxycontin.

NO CLUE: That's what he wanted.

CP: Ok. Did you start the prior auth?

NO CLUE: Yes. 

 

<3 days later>

CP: So I see we received a new prescription for 60mg Oxycontin. 

NO CLUE:  Yeah. The 50mg just wasn't enough and it was confusing for the patient to remember to take one of each twice a day. 

CP: You don't say. Did you start the prior auth yet?

NO CLUE: This needs one too? I thought you said it wouldn't?

CP: If you had prescribed that first, it wouldn't have. Now that the patient has all kinds of tablets hanging around, the insurance needs an explanation. 

 

CPP: I like being asked how to make my job easier, then being ignored, then being provided the exact opposite then being forced to explain how to fix the problem I tried talking them out of making which makes more work for me because I have time to fix mistakes I preemptively fixed in the first place. 

CP: You can give a man an education but you can't make him take it. 

It Seems So Obvious, But. . .

ME: Hey CP, what's our topic today?

CP: Same topic we have every night, Pinky. Stupidity. 

MICE ELF: Egad Brain! Sounds incredible.

ME: Okay. But what specifically? What differentiates today's stupid? What sets is apart?

CP: Drug ads on TV and how, if you ask "how stupid can people be" long enough, eventually someone will fall forward and declare himself your champion. 

MICE ELF: What about the drug ads troubles you?

CP: Besides the fact they exist? I specifically phind phault with the legally required line "do not take this medication if you are allergic to this medication". 

ME: Sounds okay to me. 

MICE ELF: Yeah. Makes sense. 

CP: Except it's a brand new medication; being advertised as a new drug. How can you know if you're allergic if you've never taken it before?

ME: That'd be like saying you're allergic to foods or detergents or people and having never been introduced to them. 

MICE ELF: Exactly. You can't know you're allergic to bees until after you get stung. 

CP: It's just really stupid to watch these commercials in the first place then to be subjected to "don't take if allergic to it" makes it more insulting. It makes me wonder who out there is really thinking "I want to take this. I'm not sure if I'm allergic. How do I know? I know! I'll call my pharmacist and ask her if I'm allergic. She should have all my allergies on file. I bet this new drug that is like nothing else will be on my list and if it's not, I can yell at her for not knowing. I haven't yelled at anyone at the pharmacy today. I've just been watching Olympics all day while she is slapping labels on stuff. She'll be happy to hear from me 5 minutes before close."

ME: Yo. Bring it back. 

MICE ELF: How does this connect to a real world situation?

ME: Yeah. You were saying?

CP: Right. Besides that, I had this conversation last week.

CP: Make sure you do not take this medication with any Ibuprofen.

I Doubt It's Obviously That: Oh. I can't take Ibuprofen anyway.

CP: Why not?

IDIOT: I'm allergic.

CP: Oh? What happens?

IDIOT: I don't know. 

CP: What? Why?

IDIOT: I never took them.

CP: Then how are you allergic?

IDIOT: I don't know. 

ME: And now he's going to be allergic to all the drugs on TV. 

MICE ELF: Probably not all of them. He'll just randomly select a few.

CP: But he'll give one list to his prescribers and a different list to us.