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Friday, June 30, 2017

No One Is Available To Take Your Call

Patient of Irrational Expectations: Why is my medication so expensive?
CP: Baby needs diapers.
PIE: What? You always do this to me.
CP: Do what?
PIE: Overcharge me. You're supposed to be matching my price.
CP: Did you tell me that when you called in your refill?
PIE: No. You should just know.
CP: Yes. As you are the only patient keeping my business afloat, I know yours is the one prescription on which we match prices. Whom are we matching?
PIE: It's that independent across the street.
CP: Ah yes. "We Be Druggists". We purchased them 4 years ago when their pharmacist retired. With a name like that, it's no wonder they went out of business.
PIE: And you're supposed to be matching their prices.
CP: But they went out of business. Four years ago. We bought them. We have their phone number too.
PIE: I just want you to match their price.
CP: Would you like me to call them?
PIE: Yes!
CP: <puts phone to ear and dials the old "We Be Druggists" phone number>
      It's ringing.
      <picks up other line and holds it to other ear>
   CP: Hello?
   CP: Hello?
   CP: I'd like to get a price quote.
   CP: Sure thing.
   CP: How much is this prescription?
   CP: $31.38
   CP: How much do you charge?
   CP: Wow. We charge $31.38 as well.
   CP: Wow. Miss PIE wanted us to match her price.
   CP: She's a little demanding, but she's sweet. Tell her I miss her.
   CP: Will do.
PIE: What did they say?
CP: He said to say "Hi!" and that he misses you and that the price is the same as what we're charging.
PIE: How can that be?
CP: Must be inflation or something. Apparently the cost of being closed has gone up over the last 4 years.
PIE: Fine. I'll pay it today. But you better check all my prices with them in the phuture.
CP: Yes, ma'am. Just remind me before you come down to pick up your prescriptions. They're not always this easy to reach.
PIE: Will do.

Commodious Quim?

Pt: I need a refill on my vaginal cream.
CP: Sure thing. Wait. It's too soon.
Pt: What do you mean?
CP: Well, for starters, your insurance denied it because we filled a 90 day supply 21 days ago.
Pt: What's that mean?
CP: According to the directions we have, this should have lasted you at least 80 more days. It says: "insert 1 gram vaginally 2 days a week". We dispensed a 30 gram tube. That's a 15 week supply, or 105 days, whichever you prefer.
Pt: But I'm out.
CP: Okay. How are you applying it?
With a paintbrush? Like Jackson Pollock?
With a caulk gun? (ha ha)
Until full? (How deep is your love, by the Bee Gees?)
You squeeze the tube from the middle, don't you? . . .


Thursday, June 22, 2017

But Metrics I Met

It's like they don't care bout nothing man.
Do another MTM yea (ooh ooh ooh).

La da da da da da, Da daaa.
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa

I was gonna fill your scripts, but metrics I met.
I was gonna count the pills and label them too but metrics I met.
Your script is not done yet and I know why (why man?) yea hey,
Metrics I met
Metrics I met
Metrics I met.

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna counsel you till metrics I met.
Given you advice about side effects but metrics I met.
(La da da da da da da da da)
I couldn't spend enough time with you then and I know why (why man?) yea hey,
Metrics I met
Metrics I met
Metrics I met.

(La da da da da da da da da)

I shoulda been helping you, but metrics I met.
Find the TP out on the floor but metrics I met.
They don't measure that type of service and I know why (why man?) yea hey,
Metrics I met
Metrics I met
Metrics I met.

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was going to pick up the phone but metrics I met.
Answer your questions and talk to you but metrics I met.
Now I'm getting a customer complaint and I know why (why man?) yea hey,
Metrics I met
Metrics I met
Metrics I met.

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was going to take your script from you but metrics I met.
Figured I'd scan and type it too but metrics I met.
(La da da da da da da da da)
Now my times for my queue are blinking red and I know why (why man?) yea hey,
Metrics I met
Metrics I met
Metrics I met.

(La da da da da da da da da)

Now I don't get to go home until metrics I've met.
And I can't do any other work until metrics I've met.
Not getting a bonus this year and I know why (why man?) yea hey,
Metrics need met
Metrics need met
Metrics need met.

(La da da da da da da da da)

Monday, June 19, 2017

Lower Your Expectations

Explain your problem to me.
I will address the issue and attempt to phix it.
Once I have reached a conclusion, I will present it to you.
Whether or not it is satisfactory is not my problem.
It is, however, the answer, and continued arguing on your part will not change the results.
Think of it as yelling at your TV after the other team scores. Or yelling at the scientists because their science disproved your personal beliefs.

CP: How may I disappoint you today?
Dude Wants A ReFund: I have this discount card and I want a refund.
CP: Okay. Where and when did you get it?
DWARF: The Other Pharmacist at another store gave it to me. I'd been paying $500 a month for this because my insurance won't cover it. She told me the drug rep came in and left these cards. She was able to give me money back.
CP: Okay. I will try. We filled this only one time for you, in April. I'm not sure it will work.
DWARF: She said if you have a problem, just call her. All you have to do is change it to this card and give me a refund.
CP: That's all, huh? Did you activate the card?
DWARF: No. She took care of everything.
CP: Okay. <makes magic in the computer. pushes buttons. pulls levers. bells and whistles sound like it's a Willy Wonka computer system>
DWARF: That sounds promising.
CP: Unfortunately, the results were negative. We lost him, sir.
DWARF: What do you mean?
CP: She activated this card on 15th May. We filled your prescription 15th April. In other words, we filled the prescription before coverage was active.
DWARF: So I'm just out $100.00?
CP: Technically you've been out $500 for the last couple months. That would be like playing the lottery and when your numbers don't hit, complaining to the lottery commission that you're out the multi-million dollar jackpot. You didn't have to buy the lottery ticket any more than you had to buy the prescription.
DWARF: <stink eye> She said you'd be able to do it. She did it.
CP: She did because she activated the card on the day she filled your prescription. If you have new insurance that won't take effect until August, they won't retroactively pay for things before you were covered under their policy. If I have to purchase a new washer and dryer in August, I can't invoke the Memorial Day sale that Lowe's held just to get myself a discount. "But I didn't need to buy them when they were on sale. You need to give me that price today, three months later."
DWARF: You don't need to explain it to me.
CP: Usually people stop arguing with me by now. You're still standing here with a look of incredulity on your face and trying to get me to change the fact that the discount card denied the claim.
DWARF: This is why I don't come here.
CP: Actually it is because you live across town and we were the only pharmacy that had that strength in stock on the day you needed it. Sometimes, even @TheOtherPharmacist can be wrong.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

How Long ...

... is the wait?
CP: About 10 minutes. 
Pt: 10 minutes? 
CP: 10 minutes. 
Pt: You said 10 minutes? 
CP: Did I stutter? Is there another way to interpret "10 minutes" other than as "10 minutes"? Is there some metric conversion you are trying to perform so you keep repeating it aloud while mathing? 
Pt: You said 10 minutes. 
CP: I did. I was wrong. It's not 10 minutes. 
Pt: I knew it. 
CP: What I should have said was: Assuming all things go according to plan and we are not invaded, overrun, or otherwise turned into zombies or wights, and your insurance information is correct and they decide to cooperate and not deny your claim for any reason, and if the status quo remains as quotidian as the rest of my day so far and no one causes "scriptus interruptus" while working on your order then, and only then, shall my estimated wait time of approximately 10 minutes prove to be accurately precise. Or precisely accurate. Either way, the clock shall not drop until I have ceased speaking with you so you may continue to delay the onset of action or effectively move yourself aside so the countdown starts. The tension mounts ...
Pt: On with the body count?
CP: Ice-T! 
Pt: Lemonade!
CP: 10 minutes. 
Pt: Phine. 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bored Today?

Did you ever wonder what some people must do with their days? When I am scheduled to work my plan is to go to work. When I am home, I make plans according to what needs done around the house or in my life. Based on some of the answers I receive from patients during conversations, I wonder ... that's it. I just openly wonder; mouth agape in awe at how life happens.

CP: You have a prescription to pick up.
Pt: What's it for?
CP: Why did you go to the doctor?
Pt: <shrugs shoulders>


CP: Let's play pretend again. I'll be the patient and you be the serious pharmacist.
CP's Partner: Okay. Definitely role playing.
CP: Let's do the "nothing better to do" sketch.
CPP: Got it. Ready?
CP: Ready. What are your plans today?
CPP: I'm going to Home Depot to find some plants for my garden.
CP: Sounds lovely.
CPP: What about you?
CP: Not sure. I think I'm going to the Walmart to people watch and pick up a few things, get an oil change, then I was thinking about swinging by my prescriber's office.
CPP: Why your prescriber's office?
CP: It's on the way and I want to see if anything is wrong with me. Maybe I could use a few tests, like a tuneup on my truck. Maybe I'm due for some refills or even some new prescriptions I haven't even taken before. You never know.
CPP: You can't just make an impromptu trip to your prescriber. It's not like going to the mall and window shopping. Or going to Home Depot to get inspiration for your yard.
CP: Why not? How do I know I don't need something if I don't have them rule out something to give me?
CPP: That makes my head hurt.
CP: How else do you explain so many people taking prescriptions for conditions they don't even know they don't have?
CPP: Stop it.
CP: You called to remind me to pick up my prescription. I asked what it was. You asked why I went to the prescriber. I don't know. I just randomly walked in off the street in between my oil change and getting a new iPhone and had the prescriber look at me. He uttered some medical mumbo jumbo, said he'd send prescriptions to a pharmacy, and here I am, hours later, expecting to retrieve them.
CPP: That's not how it works though.
CP: How not?
CPP: No one goes to the prescriber on a whim. Something is wrong, you go to the doctor. If it ain't broke, don't phix it.
CP: What about scheduled maintenance?
CPP: You're not a car. And that excuse is flimsier than what most patients would say in this scenario.
CP: I can't think of what they'd say. There seems to be no logical reason to why these people go their prescribers other than "we had nothing better to do".
CPP: This is why we lose every argument we have with them.
CP: They don't remember anything being prescribed for them. They don't remember having visited their prescriber in the last two weeks. They seem genuinely surprised when we call to tell them they have medications ready. Yet when we ask why they called or went to the office, all we get is "I don't know".
CPP: Must have been bored and had nothing better to do...