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Thursday, September 12, 2019

I Don't Want To Get A Flu Shot


I don't wanna get a flu shot.
Don't ask, now go away!
I just came here to grab my script
And you've all flipped
I want to run away.

I used to ask you questions
Now there's no time
Please stop asking me for more

I don't wanna get a flu shot
I can ask if I want a flu shot

(Please come back Madam)

No way, die!

I don't wanna get a flu shot
Tetanus, Pneumo, or Shingrix too
Pushing these shots on me is rather rude
Though I've said no to you
It's time to get a clue!

(Now take the hint)

I just can't stand harassment
Questions every time
Of all those who just walk by. . .
(Shot-shot shot-shot shot-shot shot-shot)

Pharmers please know we can hear you
Asking us with every phone call
You say, I'll be quick, but I don't want to
Get my flu shot from you
Just leave me 'lone

I really hate to come here
I feel bullied
So please stop pressuring me

I don't wanna get a flu shot.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Dear Diary-Flu Shots

Dear Diary,
Flu Shot Week 4.
I'm not sure I can make it. I think I'm losing my mind. I'm talking to MICE ELF, again.
ME: You're always talking to yourself.
MICE ELF: What have we been discussing?
CP: Last week, the end of Forcing Flu Shots (FFS) Week 3 and I'm seeing pushback and hallucinations.
ME: So it wasn't just me?
MICE ELF: Or me?
CP: Nope. I had a patient come to the counter to retrieve a prescription. The conversation went like this:
     CP: Hello. Are you picking up today?
     Shh. He's Onto Our Tactics: Yes. And I don't want a flu shot.
     CP: Ok.
     SHOOT: So don't even ask.
ME: Wow. Harsh. FFS Fatigue has already settled in.
CP: And I'm pretty sure he hasn't even been in since we started pestering, er, asking people.
MICE ELF: What about these hallucinations?
CP: I see my MICE ELF answering "flu shot" for every question I am asked.
ME: Such as?
CP: What's the best thing for constipation?
       What's the best thing for allergies?
       What's the best thing for crabs? For Lice?
       Where are the shoelaces?
Flu shot! Flu shot!Flu shot! Flu shot! Flu shot!
MICE ELF: Does it work?
CP: I got one that way but I didn't even realise I said it. Which leads to my new idea.
ME: You know some corporate overlord somewhere is writing down your ideas and they will become policy in some of your phollowers' stores next year, right?
CP: We need to convert our drop off window to a flu shot window.
CP: I'm not done. We need to make an ornament out of syringes. My original idea was a syringe mistletoe; a needle-toe, if you will. When people come to that window, we have to point up at the ornament and tell them they are standing under the "needle-toe" and they have to get a flu shot now.
ME: So help me if someone does this.
CP: A little decoration makes the pharmacy seem inviting. It's a great conversation piece. People will laugh and acquiesce.
MICE ELF: Are you going to make it out of used flu shot syringes? Or . . . ?
ME: Or the current day's quota?
CP: Not sure. Both would be equally entertaining. Look! Only 3 shots to go. Get yours before they're gone! We could add a little fake blood, or just use used syringes for that Halloween effect. It'll be a blast, a real shot in the arm for business.
ME: That was horrible.
CP: I had to take a shot.
MICE ELF: Please stop. Don't you have an ornament to make?
CP: And a new song to write.
ME: Oh no.
CP: "All right stop. Inoculate your children. CP's plan is to give vaccinations."
MICE ELF: Save us. . .

Wednesday, September 4, 2019


How long before these scenarios transition from hypothetical, to reality, to mandatory?

Pt: May I speak to the pharmacist?
Uber-Tech: For the cost of a flu shot.
Pt: But I don't need a flu shot.
UT: Then you don't need to speak to the pharmacist.


Pt: Just a quick question?
CP: Agree to a flu shot and you may ask me anything.
Pt: It's just a quick question.
CP: It's just a quick prick.
Uber-Tech: That's what she said.


Pt: How long until it's ready?
Uber-Tech: About 20 minutes should do it.
Pt: Can't it be any faster?
UT: I can do it in 15 minutes if you get your flu shot today.
Pt: But I don't want a flu shot.
UT: Then you don't want it in 20 minutes. You can come back tomorrow.


Pt: I'm here to pick up my prescriptions.
Uber-Tech: And to get your flu shot.
Pt: I don't want a flu shot.
UT: Then I guess you don't need your <checks scripts> insulin, albuterol, and losartan today.
Pt: Actually I do need them.
UT: And a flu shot.
Pt: No.
UT: FLU SHOT! Say it!
Pt: <stutters> f-f-f-flu sh-sh-shot?
UT: Thank you. Have a seat. CP will be out with you shortly.


Pt: I'm here to pick up my daughter's prescription.
Uber-Tech: And to get a flu shot.
Pt: No thanks. She's really sick and I need to get this home to her.
UT: Then I suggest you agree to a flu shot now.
Pt: No thanks.
UT: It's going to take  a while to mix this for her. I think it would be in the interests of everyone involved if you would agree to the shot now.
Pt: Are you trying to blackmail me into a flu shot?
UT: Blackmail is such a harsh word. Think of it as strong encouragement. You do want Little Susie to get better soon, don't you?
CP: You have a sick daughter. I have a quota. Let's help each other.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Now Hear This

CP: Welcome back. Picking up?
Angry Woman Mad About Nothing: Why didn't you page me?
CP: I did.
AWMAN: I didn't hear you.
CP: Okay. That's not really my fault.
AWMAN: I've been waiting in this store for over an hour!
CP: That's nice. Did you do some shopping? We have some nice sales right now. Back-to-school and all that.
AWMAN: No! I've been waiting for my damn prescription. What took so long?
CP: Let's see. You dropped it off at 11:03am. We told you 15 minutes and . . .
AWMAN: And I've been here for an hour!
CP: . . . and I checked it out at 11:13 whereupon I paged you, both by yelling out your name and, when you didn't return, by our overhead paging system.
AWMAN: This is ridiculous!
CP: I agree wholeheartedly. It is ridiculous.
AWMAN: Thank you.
CP: It is ridiculous that, despite multiple attempts to contact you verbally you somehow, while by your own admission remaining in the store, missed our attempts to reach you.
AWMAN: Are you mocking me?
CP: <mocking tone> are you mocking me? No. I just can't believe that this is the reason you are upset. Let's see:
1. We called you to the pharmacy. Twice. You missed them both. It's not a big store as I can hear conversations throughout the store all day.
2. I gave you a time of 15 minutes, which I beat. Somehow, at no point did you check your watch or ask someone for the time. Not sure how an hour feels like 15 minutes to you, but you certainly could have returned at any point and asked if it was ready.
3. You are mad at me because you didn't check the time AND you didn't hear my pages.
In short, YES, I agree, you are being ridiculous.
AWMAN: Well I never.
CP: With that attitude I'm not surprised. Will there be anything else?
CP: <pulls out bullhorn> Anything else?
AWMAN: <brushes hair out of face> No.


Wednesday, August 28, 2019

She Hate Me

If you hate a business enough to take the time to call the complaint line after every single visit or give a "0" on every survey you can find, why are you still going there?
(I call bullshit on insurance requirements. You're not limited to only the Big 3 and even if you are, they have multiple locations. You have options. This is a bigger picture issue.) 

Seriously. Do you really think that by bringing down their scores you are helping improve their operations? If I had a problem every time I shopped a business, I'd leave. Perhaps it's me. Perhaps it's luck. Perhaps that's how they run their business and our expectations are quite dissimilar. Either way, that is the definition of insanity; repeating the same thing expecting a different result. After a time, it becomes habit. 

Odds are, if you've made a name for yourself, we don't want your business either. You are toxic to our environment and you unfairly poison others against us. 
Move on. 
Like a bad BF or GF. 
Move on. 
You both deserve better. 
Getting pissed off because you always come at us with a pissy, uppity, challenging attitude will only further reaffirm your strongly held belief that we are bad. There is nothing we can do to change your opinion. The slightest misstep, as if we weren't already walking on eggshells, will set you off anew. 

Maybe you're the type of person that thrives in a toxic relationship. 
Maybe you like to be treated poorly. 
If that gets you off, let me know. I can arrange to treat you accordingly. 

In the end, I am still left wondering why, if you hate a business so much, you voluntarily and consciously continue to do business with them? 

Phlu Shot Issues

Guys, rolling up your dress shirt to receive a flu shot is like trying to roll up your jeans to take a leak.

Tuesday, August 27, 2019


As far as #ExcusesToNotGetAFluShot go, I've always been amused by the "conspiracy theories".
So I ask, if Big Pharma and vaccines are a government conspiracy for mind or population control, then why are colonoscopies not a conspiracy to map our asses for alien probing?

Friday, August 23, 2019

Flu Shot Season

DM: It's flu shot time!
CP: Already?
DM: Yes. Why haven't you met your quota yet?
CP: It's August. I got them yesterday.
DM: And your goal is 1082.
CP: Rather arbitrary, don't you think?
DM: Scientifically proven to be obtainable this year.
CP: Not sure what science you're using. Sounds more in line with L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology. Besides, you only sent me one box of shots.
DM: All you have to do is ask and people will throw themselves at you.
CP: Yeah. That didn't work for me getting dates in high school so I doubt it'll work now.
DM: Everyone wants one, they just need to be asked.
CP: When is the last time you worked in a store and twisted patients' arms to get flu shots?
DM: If you don't ask, you don't care.
CP: I ask. And despite getting rejected almost as much as I did in college, I keep asking but people still say "no". Great for the self-esteem.
DM: Why?
CP: For whatever reason, perhaps decades of marketing to people to get their flu shots in October, people want to wait. Patients and prescribers have it stuck in their heads that October is flu shot month.
DM: But all you have to do is ask, and inform them.
CP: I know. The CDC recommends the flu shot to be administered as soon as it is available. I know this. You know this. Others do not and don't care what we tell them. Once old people in particular get an idea in their heads, it is nigh on impossible to change their minds. They know only two things: Early Bird Dinner times at all the local restaurants and October is flu shot month.
DM: What about all the other people?
CP: There are a few insurances that won't pay until September or October.
DM: So focus on the other people.
CP: Sure. Did you get yours yet?
DM: I'm waiting.
CP: For what? Here are the excuses I have received so far and we are only 1 week in to the 2019-20 campaign.
a. I get mine at my doctor.
b. I get mine for free at work.
c. I already got mine.
d. I want it to last all season so I always get mine in October.
e. I am in the 55% of persons annually who never get a flu shot.
f. I'm not mentally prepared to receive it today.
g. I don't believe in them.
DM: You have to try harder.
CP: Why? I believe in flu shots. As long as my patients get them somewhere, anywhere, then that is all that matters. I hate doing business with places that force their employees to push services on their customers. I know what is available. I know what I want. I know I can return for other services should I so desire. After awhile, it gets to be annoying. Companies have marketing departments. Honestly, if people don't know by now they can receive a flu shot, or any other vaccine at any pharmacy in the country, then they've been living under a rock.
DM: You don't care about your patients.
CP: Right. I only care about filling the other 500 Rx's safely and accurately today. If patients miss the 11 signs, counter stickers and mats, syringe-juggling clown, and neon sign on their circuitous journey to my counter, me pleading to stab them won't help me get a flu shot from them.
DM: I'm watching you.
CP: Before you go. . .
DM: Yes?
CP: <sings> Do you wanna get a flu shot?