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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

How Pharmacy is Like the Movies

Dirty Harry-Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?
Keep rushing me and I'll give you exactly what the prescriber ordered, errors and all.

Seven-What's in the box?
All we do is slap a label on it. Who cares what's actually in it. Here you go.


Forrest Gump- Life is like a box of chocolates.
We'll just grab it (something random) off the shelf and hand it over. You never know what you're going to get.

Poltergeist-They're here.
Opening time, and first of the month, and Mondays.

Minions- Reading a prescription is like trying to decipher their dialogue.

Saw-Want to play a game.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Best/Worst Pharmacy Pickup Lines

1. They call me Zyrtec because my D lasts for 12 hours and keeps you up all night.
2. Pharmacists always carefully follow directions. We take the time to unwrap before we insert. 
3. They call me Nystatin because you have to swish before you swallow. 
4. You're so sexy they had to name a birth control after you ... Camilla (insert pretty much any name here: Heather, Yasmin, Errin.)

You must be a box of pen needles, because you are ultra-fine. 
And don't forget the comeback: I may be Ultra-Fine, but you didn't tell me you too were like a box of pen needles, Mr. Nano (or Mr. Micro-Fine). 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016


"In this day and age, a man has to have choices. A man has to have a little bit of variety."
"What are you talking about 'variety'? Hostages?"

No. Not hostages. But we do have a lot of options today. We all make hundreds of decisions every day. Most of them are minor, but some have a significant impact on our life. Such as which pharmacy to patronize. Last I checked, we all have free will in this country. I can choose to eat or not eat at certain restaurants. I can choose where to spend my hard-earned dollars. I can be loyal to whomever I choose.

The problem with free will is that people often forget to exercise it. I know many don't exercise anything, but the freedom of choice really doesn't require that much work. If you love a business, shop there frequently. If you hate it, why do you continue to go there?

"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."

When your doctor asks (and on electronic prescriptions, it says) "Patient's Pharmacy of Choice", remember that YOU picked ME.  It says Patient's Choice.  I did not force you to come to my pharmacy. You made the decision to turn into my parking lot, exit your vehicle, and enter my store. It's not like a dinner choice.  Hey, I'm in the mood for Thai tonight. Your selection, and repeat business, is not just a whim.

With that in mind, I am done with you.  If you are unhappy, leave. When people threaten to go somewhere else, I'll tell them "Go Ahead".  I will even ask where they want me to transfer their profile so it's waiting for them when they get there.

I'm tired of being held hostage by people who don't understand and refuse to understand how the whole refill/insurance/plan ahead thing works.  I'm tired of people thinking they can get something by complaining simply because of their own stupidity.

I am taking the Twitter approach to dealing with these people. Twitter is about choice.  You actually have to choose to follow someone.  If you do not like what they have say, you have the simple choice to "unfollow".  I'd like people to apply that to pharmacy choice as well.  I only wish we could "block" people too.



    • sleepy and lethargic; half asleep:the wine had made her drowsy
    • causing sleepiness:the drowsy heat of the meadows
    • (of a place) peaceful and quiet:a drowsy suburb called Surrey Hills
    • Sleepy:

      needing or ready for sleep:the wine had made her sleepy
    • showing the effects of sleep:she rubbed her sleepy eyes
    • inducing sleep; soporific:the sleepy heat of the afternoon
    • (of a place) without much activity:he turned off the road into a sleepy little town
    • (of a business or organization) lacking the ability or will to respond to change; not dynamic:the one-time sleepy world of pensions

Here's one for you from yesterday....

Guy comes up to my consultation window at the pharmacy yesterday with a bottle of store brand generic liquid sleep-aid (diphenhydramine). 

He asks: "Can this be used to help you sleep?" 
Me: "absolutely"
His next question: (wait for it.....) "but it won't make me drowsy will it?" 
Me: ....I stare blankly at him for a moment.... "Um, yes. That's kind of the point of it. To make you drowsy... so you can sleep..."
He just says: "oh" and walks off.

I used to believe people didn't understand the definitions of "drowsy" and "sleepy". I'm not "bashful" about it making me "happy" to think of them as "dopey" when they call me "doc" and I tell them not to be "grumpy" with me. They'll no longer be "sneezy" either. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016


I've often questioned what type of brainwashing academy seemingly sane pharmacists are sent to before graduating to the rank of district manager.
I'm pretty sure the curriculum includes:
How to send emails.
How to forward emails.
How to pass the buck to other people.
How to cut hours.
How to email pharmacists to cut hours.
How to email reminders about cutting hours.
How to check a pharmacy for policy compliance.
How not to give praise or compliments.

Is being a bad boss an innate quality corporations seek or is it carefully crafted, honed in a lab?

CP: Welcome to my pharmacy. It's been a while.
DM Out-Of-Touch: Uh-huh. <never makes eye contact>
CP: What brings you to our lovely establishment?
DMOOT: <walks to CII safes, checks they are locked, spins dials> Huh? Regular tour.
CP: Got it.
DMOOT: <suddenly aware of something amiss, she jumps up, looks around like a prairie dog scouting for predators> "Where is everyone?"
CP: To whom are you referring?
DMOOT: Employees. It's just you and one tech? <face twitches like a coked out squirrel>
CP: Yes. Just the two of us. We can make it if we try, just the two of us.
DMOOT: Huh. Okay.
CP: You cut our hours last month, remember?
DMOOT: Oh. Okay.
CP: No. It's not okay. Are you seriously that out of touch that you just asked us where the employees are after cutting our budget last month? That has got to be the most absent-minded, arrogant thing I've ever heard spoken by a boss.
DMOOT: You're queues look good. Keep up the good work.
CP: So maybe you have room to cut more hours? Oh, feel free to not answer the phone ringing off the hook while you're boasting about cutting hours.
DMOOT: You need to focus on customer service. You seem to have slipped in the "timeliness" and "wait time" categories.
CP: You're pretty slow, aren't you? Were you dropped on your head as a child? Picked on as the girl with the smallest breasts in the high school locker room? I see they're still waiting to develop, like your observation and leadership skills.
DMOOT: If your scores don't improve, we're going to have to make some leadership changes in this store, starting with you.
CP: That's pretty small-breasted, I mean, -minded of you. You cut hours, scores go down, and it's my fault?
DMOOT: You're in charge of the pharmacy. It's your job to deal with it.
CP: Do you like KMFDM?
DMOOT: Never heard of it.
CP: Them. They're a "them". A band.
CP: Check out the song "Free Your Hate". It's right up your alley.


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Pharmacist Policy

As we all know, corporate pharmacies are filled with policies. Policies telling you to read new policies. Policies stipulating how often they will make and you are to read policies. Policies stating how to sign policies. But does your pharmacy have a policy regarding pharmacists? 

In our Random Discussion of the Week (RDW), we explored the subject of the Pharmacist dropping dead, or at least comatose, to the floor. Without being able to locate a corporate policy on the subject, we took it upon ourselves to fill in the blanks and write one ourselves. 

1. Check for pulse. 
2. Check for breathing. 
3. Is pharmacist's body in view of public? 
4. If yes, roll body under counter. Keep working.
5. If no, keep working. 
6. If fingerprint or retina scan are required and no pulse has been found, carefully remove the pharmacist's finger or eyeball and keep it on ice to be used accordingly. (See Policies on Proper Knife Usage and How to Make Your Spatula into a Mini-Katana)
7. If breathing, roll pharmacist under counter closest to workstation. Distract patients with sleight-of-hand tricks when placing fingerprint or retinal scanner near pharmacist's body. 
8. Do not be afraid to step on pharmacist's body to appear taller. Where possible, it may help to place the anti-fatigue mats on top of him/her. 
9. When time allows, call for a replacement pharmacist and one will be sent over some time before closing to lock the doors. 
10. Under no circumstances are you to call 911 until a replacement pharmacist has been sent. We cannot afford to close the pharmacy for any inconveniences, however minor. 

Remember, laws require that a licensed pharmacist be IN the pharmacy. Technically she and her license are IN the pharmacy. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

The Human Mind is Amazing...

...ly stupid. 
Where do people get their expectations of entitlement? 

CP: Sir? Dr. Zoffis called today to renew your inhaler. I am sorry to report we used our last one this morning and have to order another for tomorrow. 
Weird Thinking Frantic Dude: That's okay. 
CP: We shall see you then. 
WTFD: One question. 
WTFD: Did my doctor order more than one at a time? 
CP: He did not. He prescribed one with 5 refills. 
WTFD: I wanted him to write for more. "I'm overdue for it, so shouldn't I be able to get more this time?" (yep. he said that.)
CP: Nope. How does that work exactly? Because you are noncompliant, you now expect what is essentially backpay for work you never did? On top of that, you are now expecting to be compliant going forward? 
WTFD: I just thought I was owed them. I should have been taking them and my insurance pays for one a month. Since I didn't get any the last few months, I wanted to get all of the ones they owe me. 
CP: You are a sad, strange little man. Remember when that one pharmacy was advertising "free antibiotics"?
WTFD: Yes. 
CP: Did you get sick during that time period and require any of the antibiotics they offered? 
WTFD: No. 
CP: Since the promotion ended some time ago, would you believe you are entitled to free antibiotics today? 
WTFD: I don't know. Why? 
CP: By your logic, you were not sick at the time so you could not take advantage of their incredible marketing practices. Since you were not conveniently sick during their promotion, were you to get sick now, I'd expect you to march up to their counter and ask for, nay demand, that they honour their expired promotion. 
WTFD: Why not? 
CP: Because, #ThatsNotHowItWorks
Try this, when your car is low on fuel, you refill it, right? (Preferably, BEFORE you run out.) If you don't fill it in the morning while the price is low and the price jumps $0.40 by evening, you cannot go back and ask for a full tank at the morning's price. See you on the morrow. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Vaginal Tissues

A prescription instructed the patient to apply the cream to her "vaginal tissues". Out of context, vaginal tissues sounds like a product for post-coital cleanup.