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Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Pharmacist Policy

As we all know, corporate pharmacies are filled with policies. Policies telling you to read new policies. Policies stipulating how often they will make and you are to read policies. Policies stating how to sign policies. But does your pharmacy have a policy regarding pharmacists? 

In our Random Discussion of the Week (RDW), we explored the subject of the Pharmacist dropping dead, or at least comatose, to the floor. Without being able to locate a corporate policy on the subject, we took it upon ourselves to fill in the blanks and write one ourselves. 

1. Check for pulse. 
2. Check for breathing. 
3. Is pharmacist's body in view of public? 
4. If yes, roll body under counter. Keep working.
5. If no, keep working. 
6. If fingerprint or retina scan are required and no pulse has been found, carefully remove the pharmacist's finger or eyeball and keep it on ice to be used accordingly. (See Policies on Proper Knife Usage and How to Make Your Spatula into a Mini-Katana)
7. If breathing, roll pharmacist under counter closest to workstation. Distract patients with sleight-of-hand tricks when placing fingerprint or retinal scanner near pharmacist's body. 
8. Do not be afraid to step on pharmacist's body to appear taller. Where possible, it may help to place the anti-fatigue mats on top of him/her. 
9. When time allows, call for a replacement pharmacist and one will be sent over some time before closing to lock the doors. 
10. Under no circumstances are you to call 911 until a replacement pharmacist has been sent. We cannot afford to close the pharmacy for any inconveniences, however minor. 

Remember, laws require that a licensed pharmacist be IN the pharmacy. Technically she and her license are IN the pharmacy. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

The Human Mind is Amazing...

...ly stupid. 
Where do people get their expectations of entitlement? 

CP: Sir? Dr. Zoffis called today to renew your inhaler. I am sorry to report we used our last one this morning and have to order another for tomorrow. 
Weird Thinking Frantic Dude: That's okay. 
CP: We shall see you then. 
WTFD: One question. 
WTFD: Did my doctor order more than one at a time? 
CP: He did not. He prescribed one with 5 refills. 
WTFD: I wanted him to write for more. "I'm overdue for it, so shouldn't I be able to get more this time?" (yep. he said that.)
CP: Nope. How does that work exactly? Because you are noncompliant, you now expect what is essentially backpay for work you never did? On top of that, you are now expecting to be compliant going forward? 
WTFD: I just thought I was owed them. I should have been taking them and my insurance pays for one a month. Since I didn't get any the last few months, I wanted to get all of the ones they owe me. 
CP: You are a sad, strange little man. Remember when that one pharmacy was advertising "free antibiotics"?
WTFD: Yes. 
CP: Did you get sick during that time period and require any of the antibiotics they offered? 
WTFD: No. 
CP: Since the promotion ended some time ago, would you believe you are entitled to free antibiotics today? 
WTFD: I don't know. Why? 
CP: By your logic, you were not sick at the time so you could not take advantage of their incredible marketing practices. Since you were not conveniently sick during their promotion, were you to get sick now, I'd expect you to march up to their counter and ask for, nay demand, that they honour their expired promotion. 
WTFD: Why not? 
CP: Because, #ThatsNotHowItWorks
Try this, when your car is low on fuel, you refill it, right? (Preferably, BEFORE you run out.) If you don't fill it in the morning while the price is low and the price jumps $0.40 by evening, you cannot go back and ask for a full tank at the morning's price. See you on the morrow. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Vaginal Tissues

A prescription instructed the patient to apply the cream to her "vaginal tissues". Out of context, vaginal tissues sounds like a product for post-coital cleanup.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Pharmacy Analogies

Patients call in their own refills. Since people have so many resources readily available to them for initiating prescriptions, they are taking ownership by using them. There are many ways for them to accomplish this - via text, company app, online, email, or, according to some, telepathy. Either way, people, to some extent, are ultimately responsible for their own prescriptions. I know, I know...hard to imagine in this day and age that anyone is responsible for their own actions but we try to remind them of this from time to time.

Getting mad at the pharmacy for filling your prescription that you requested online is like getting mad at Amazon for delivering a Hutzler Banana Slicer 571 that you ordered online after reading really creative reviews on Amazon.com.

Better yet, remember that scene in Austin Powers after Austin is thawed and he is receiving all his valuables?
"One Swedish made penis enlarger... One credit card receipt for Swedish made penis enlarger, signed by Austin Powers...One warranty card filled for Swedish made penis enlarger pump filled out by Austin Powers..."

You ordered it. Now take it!


I needed to make a compound at work. Went to allrecipes.com. No Magic Mouthwash. No Progesterone Suppositories. Lying Bastards!

Friday, April 15, 2016

More Phun With Dick and Jane

Dick is a Patient.
Jane is a Pharmacist

Jane: Hello, sir. What is your Birth Date? 
Dick: Dick. 
Jane: No. Your Birth Date. 
Dick: Dick. 
Jane: Okay. What's your Date of Birth? 
Dick: Day the 5th...
Jane: <starts writing May 5th>
Dick: Day the 5th, of the 10th Month, in the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Seventy-Nine. 
Jane: So...10/5/79?
Dick: Yes. 

Don't be a Dick.

Dick: I'm here to pick up my prescriptions.
Jane: Okay. How many do you have?
Dick: I'm not sure.
Jane: We have two prescriptions ready for you.
Dick: What? Where's the other one?
Jane: Which other one?
Dick: The third one.
Jane: You didn't know how many and now you know it's three?
Dick: Yes. Which one is missing?
Jane: <deadpans> The third one.

Know what you take. Don't be a Dick.

Misheard at the Pharmacy

Pt: Can I put this on layaway?
This got me thinking, maybe that's what we should call it. When we put prescriptions on hold, they are on layaway for up to 6 months. Now if we could just get people to pay on them while they are unfilled...
CP: Would you care for us to put this on layaway for you in our computer? This way, all you have to do is contact us and ask us to prepare it for you. No dropping off, no waiting, all convenience.
Pt: Yes. That'd be lovely.
CP: There's a charge for this. You have to pay the cost of our restocking fee now for us to hold it. This way, if you choose not to pick it up within the 6 month limit, we retain the processing fee for our effort. Once filled, the deposit will be applied to your co-pay.
Pt: And if I don't have it filled or the prescriber changes my medication?
CP: It happens. But those are risks we are willing to take for you. You don't have to worry about losing the prescription.
Pt: What if I move?
CP: Good question. We can transfer your prescription to any pharmacy you choose. The fee would then cover the relocation costs associated with your prescription. Prescribers often charge for copying their files. Thinking about it, shouldn't we follow this lead and charge for Profile Requests? 

First Sign of the Apocalypse

Spring. Life itself is reborn and along with life, hope.
Hope will sustain us when we've lost our way and have nothing upon which to cling. 
Hope gets us through each minute, each hour, each day. 
Hope keeps the darkness at bay.

How is it that this Spring should dawn any differently than the last? I fear that all hope has been lost and I am succumbing to the darkness, pushing and pulling and dragging me down. That upon which I could always rely has been wrenched from my grasp, tenuous as it was. 

The Apocalypse is nigh. There can be no more rational explanation for the events of this week. As with all signs, this came as a triple. Once is an isolated occurrence. Twice is a coincidence. Thrice? 

It was there on the voicemail. The dulcet tones of Piper the speed-talker/legalese reciter's voice alighted upon my ears with their softness, almost tickling. I was prepared for an aural onslaught the likes of which cannot easily be matched. She is in rarefied company when it comes to her messages. I braced my left hand for speedwriting with a few quick calisthenics and prepared my right to quickly pause and rewind the machine. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Piper spoke not in her clipped cadence but in a soft, melodious, enunciative voice. I was able to match her pace quite easily and still read my own writing. At the end of the prescription, as I prepared to replay for a double check, Piper repeated herself! Slowly, deliberately, she proceeded to reread the entire prescription for me. I was lost, confused, numb from shock. This was Piper the I-don't-need-to-breathe-to-leave-4-prescriptions-in-10-seconds, from Dr. Zoffis. She never slows, never enunciates, never repeats. What happened? 

As I said, once is an isolated occurrence. Twice? 

The next day, a person who can only be referred to as Piper's Scription Slingin' Sister called from Dr. Baggins's office. The result? Same as described above. Different office. Different caller. Same expectation going in, same unlikely result. Weird. 

Twice is a coincidence, right? But thrice? 

Late the next day, my partner had left me a voicemail to retrieve when I arrived. His mood was shaken, the look dour. "Play it", CPP said. This time I was greeted by a warm, pleasing voice. I looked at my partner who nodded gravely as he knew what I had just realised. The only person worse than Piper and Piper's SSS, Phoebe, was Paige. Paige has won the awards for fastest time to complete a voicemail, most voicemails completed in shortest time, most prescriptions given in one voicemail, and countless others. She is in our County's Voicemail Hall of Fame for all the records. As a look of recognition struck my face I was alarmed that I could understand this voicemail. CPP could sense this and gave me the slightest arch of an eyebrow, shrug of a shoulder, and upraising of the hands as if to signify "I know. What does this mean?" 

After taking a moment to sit and collect my thoughts, and wipe away the tears from the final voicemail that solidified our beliefs in the Apocalypse, CPP and I hugged each other and started saying our goodbyes. It was Friday. This had to be the end. So shaken were we by this trauma that we thought about closing the pharmacy to collect ourselves. Instead, we opted to seek solace in the place where this all started: the offices. 

We called to speak to Piper, to Piper's SSS Phoebe, and to Paige with one question on our minds: Are you okay? We followed this with: Were your messages code for "I need help"? Do you need us to call 911 because you are being held hostage? Kidnapped? Is it Demons?

Piper said she went to pick up a prescription for her child at her pharmacy and spoke in her "office voice" and the pharmacy had to ask her repeatedly for the information. She then realised the error of her ways and vowed to be mindful of the need to slow down and be more careful. 

Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble.