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Thursday, September 24, 2020

Your Irritation Is Misplaced

CP: Welcome to CP's Phunhouse. How may I help you?
Pissed Off Old Person Yelling He's Expecting A Deal: I need my medication. 
CP: Okay. I have it here. 
POOPYHEAD: And I'm irritated with you. 
CP: Let's go back to the intro. . . Welcome to Thunderdome!
POOPYHEAD: <confused look>
CP: Okay. Now I'm ready. 
POOPYHEAD: You need to stop sending texts to my wife. 
CP: I do not text your wife; nor would I. 
POOPYHEAD: What? No. From here. It's none of her business about my prescriptions. In fact it's no one's business but mine. 
CP: Sure thing. Did you sign up for the courtesy refill program? 
POOPYHEAD: I don't want any texts from you. 
CP: Not the question I asked, but let's roll with it. Let me check your profile. 
POOPYHEAD: Stop calling me. 
CP: In the balladic words of Guns N' Roses. . . All we need is just a little patience. Now hush while I do my thing. 
POOPYHEAD: <mumbles>
CP: What phone number should I have on file for you? 
POOPYHEAD: <recites wife's phone number>
CP: Ok. That IS the number we have for you. Should I have another number listed?
POOPYHEAD: NO! That's my main number.
CP: Just to be clear. You want no communications to go from us to your wife? 
POOPYHEAD: I SAID THAT!
CP: Yet you want us to keep her phone number on file as your primary contact phone? 
POOPYHEAD: YES! 
CP: And if I remove you from all automatic texts, alerts, notifications, and calls, I still have to have a number on file to contact in case of any issues filling your prescriptions. 
POOPYHEAD: Whatever. Just don't call my wife. 
CP: The wife whose number you still want listed as primary phone number?
POOPYHEAD: Yes. 
CP: Is there, maybe, another number you'd like listed? Like, I don't know, your own personal cell#?
POOPYHEAD: There is. 
CP: Should I enter that instead? I'm just throwing it out there that you want no notifications sent to your wife, but you insist hers be the only number on your file. I am not sure how to comply with that. It's like you wanting a vegan menu, but all dishes must include bacon. 
POOPYHEAD: Phine. Enter mine. But don't text me. It no one's business but mine. 
CP: I'm afraid to ask who answers your phone calls.

#MisdirectedAnger
#SoAngryHeConfusedHimself
#HowDidIGetIntoThisConversation
#WhyYourPharmacistHatesYou
#WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong

Sunday, September 20, 2020

Oh No You Didn't

CP: What is the first rule of retail pharmacy? 
ME: The customer is. . . 
CP: I will rip out your spine and floss with it if you say "always right". 
MICE ELF: Sometimes, the customer is an asshole. 
CP: Thank you to MICE ELF. That is, of course, the second rule.The first rule is you do not get to yell at my techs; you do not get to mistreat them; basically, you can treat them no worse than I do. 
ME: <smacks forehead> Of course!
MICE ELF: Why the rephresher, CP? 
CP: A recent interaction reminded me it's time to extend plaudits to the hardest working members of any pharmacy team, our technicians. 
ME: How sweet!
MICE ELF: Okay. Who pissed you off?
CP: This guy, but there's a plot twist, lol.

Grumpy Foreskin: I'm leaving. 
UT: It's done. I am literally labeling it right now. 
GF: It was supposed to be done an hour ago. 
UT: We have been exceptionally busy with the holiday but it is done. The pharmacist just has to check it. 
CP: <waiting in the wings, listening for my cue>
GF: <makes eye contact with CP (big mistake)> You need to hire faster people. 
CP: That was the wrong thing to say. 
GF: Why? Your service sucks. 
CP: Correction. Our service is exemplary. Even with you complaining, my techs are still smiling and doing their jobs. What I lack is the volume of techs required to meet your speedy request. You can have it right or right now, but not both. I will choose "right" every time. My techs are among the best I have ever worked beside. I lack quantity but not quality. You may call my boss and tell him I need more people but you cannot complain they are slow. 
GF: Maybe I need to find another pharmacy. 
CP: I think that would be wise. Since we cannot meet your needs in a timely manner and you believe it is okay to denigrate my staff and suggest I need better people for you then you can take your business to any competitor you choose. 
Lady On Line: Yeah! Way to go CP! I work retail too and in customer service and this Rumpled Foreskin has no right to be such a flaccid schlong to you or your staff. These people are doing a great job and are working extremely hard in difficult situations with grumpy people yelling at them all day. 
GF: <glares menacingly>
LOL: I LOVE YOU CP! WAY TO STAND UP FOR YOUR STAFF!
CP: Love you too!
GF: <notices crowd staring, slowly skulks backwards, nears main aisle, disappears>
UT: Order ready for Foreskin. Grumpy Foreskin? 
LOL: He shriveled up and left. 
CP: Premature evacuation of the premises. Thank you. 
LOL: You rock. That was the best thing to watch, ever.

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Now Go Away

CP: Welcome. My name is CP. I am here to unwittingly phrustrate you and simultaneously get annoyed by your behaviour. How may I accomplish this today? 
Demands A Modern Miracle I Think: I am here for my refill. 
CP: Oh, drat. It does appear as though this is on backorder. We did call to notify you. Sorry.
DAMMIT: This is unacceptable. 
CP: Sorry. I agree. We looked everywhere, called your prescriber and, as we have been telling you for 7 months now, it is still on backorder. 
DAMMIT: This is ridiculous. 
CP: Sorry. Agreed. Good day. 
DAMMIT: You need to fix it. 
CP: Sorry. As we have explained, we have exhausted all our options. Perhaps it is time to call your prescriber again. 
DAMMIT: This is absurd. 
CP: Sorry. Agreed. Good day. 
DAMMIT: I need this to live. 
CP: Sorry. It is quite obvious by the 7 months you have survived on a 30 days supply you will perish without this. Good day. 
DAMMIT: I don't know what kind of pharmacy you're running here. 
CP: Me either. Sorry. Good day. 
DAMMIT: I cannot believe this. 
CP: Neither can I. May I ask you a question?
DAMMIT: If it will help.
CP: I have been polite. I have been courteous. I have offered multiple solutions to your singular problem. I intend this in the nicest way possible: What can I say, and how can I phrase it, to make you go away? 
DAMMIT: Pardon?!
CP: I can only say "sorry, this is beyond our control. please contact the one person who can fix it" yet you continue to pretend your name is Roget and ask the same question with new synonyms each time while my answer has not changed, nor will it. Now what can I say to make you go away? 
DAMMIT: Well I never. 
CP: And you never will with that attitude. Good day.

Thursday, September 10, 2020

School (Shot) Days

Flu shot, flu shots 
Time to give those flu shots
Prevnar and Pneumo and Shingrix too
Don't matter to me just need to stab you
Please say yes the questions won't end
My boss will yell, help me my friend
If quickly you accede a hand you'll lend
In making my quota this year.


Monday, September 7, 2020

It's Your Dime. . . But My Time

CP: Thanks phor calling. . . 
Caller Having One Aneurysm Cursing Here: Finally! Someone answered. 
CP: I did. That's what happens when the phone rings. 
CHOACH: I've been trying to get through for hours. 
CP: And your persistence paid off. 
CHOACH: That's no way to run a business if people can't get through. 
CP: Well we do have many ways to reach us. . . 
CHOACH: You need more people down there to work. 
CP: Thanks. I'll alert my boss. She won't care, but I'll dare to share, mon frere. 
CHOACH: How do you stay in business? 
CP: Was your initial desire when dialing me to ask about how I run my pharmacy? If it was, I think I answered your probing questions. If not, why DID you call me? Would you like to argue with me, and continue complaining about how backed up we are right now, or would you like me to get your prescription ready? I'm just trying to plan my day and you can only pick one option. Should I grab a chair and some Cheetos? 
CHOACH: This is why nobody likes you.
CP: Wrong! This is precisely why people like me. This is also #WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong and I can't ever answer my phone; instead of simply stating your business, you felt the need to spend your dime chastising me. Now I need to call my support line and ask for grief counseling to recover from this incident so your prescriptions won't be ready for 3 more days. 
CHOACH: That's ridiculous!
CP: It may be. It may not. Would you like to put another dime in to discover for yourself? Or I can hang up and you can try your luck again. 
CHOACH: It better be ready when I get down there. 
CP: Or what? You'll call back to volley vituperative invective at me? A threat, then? Well, "the only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous". 
CHOACH: <click>
UT: Well you did warn him he couldn't have it both ways. You can't complain about the wait time when you are keeping me from my work. 
CP: Verily.

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Why Insurances Suck #245

CP: <hangs up phone, disturbed look on face> Huh. 
CPP: That sounded interesting and bad and confusing all at the same time. 
CP: <shakes head> It was. 
CPP: Care to share?
CP: Hoping you'll help me make sense of it. 
CPP: Role-play? 
CP: We have to. I'll be "Auditor Harassing With The Facts" and you be "ME". 
CPP: Okay. 

Auditor Harassing With The Facts: Hi. 
ME: Hi. 
AhWTF: I need you to reprocess a claim for me. 
ME: Ok. Was there a mistake? 
AhWTF: Not exactly. It's just the days supply was entered incorrectly. I need you to fix it before it gets filled again. You could lose the payment on this claim as well. 
ME: I see. <checks hard copy and how we filled it> What, exactly, was the problem? We filled and billed it correctly. 
AhWTF: Well, the directions state the patient is to use it 4 times a day. 
ME: . . . as needed. 
AhWTF: Yes. Four times a day, as needed. Since she was prescribed 60 tablets, that means that 60 divided by 4 is 15 so it should be a 15 days supply. 
ME: Right. I know how to do math and calculate days supplies so thanks for the lesson. My concern here is that the prescriber wrote, in the directions, that these 60 tablets "MUST LAST 30 DAYS", thereby making this a 30 days supply. 
AhWTF: No. It's a misfill due to the math. 
ME: If a prescriber writes for 1 tablet to last 30 days, then it's a 30 days supply. 
AhWTF: No it's not. 1/1=1. 
ME: Okay. What happens when this control gets reported to the State PDMP? The prescriber's intention for this to last 30 days isn't seen by anyone checking the report. It shows as a 15 days supply. This then thwarts the system, allowing for early (re)fills.
AhWTF: You either get paid for the claim with the correct days supply or you report it to them correctly. We don't care about anything other than the proper billing. 
ME: BUT IT WAS BILLED PROPERLY! The prescriber wanted it to last 30 days. 
AhWTF: You can put whatever you want in the directions; we don't care about that. 
ME: I'm pretty sure my State BOP will have a different opinion on this matter. 
AhWTF: Please change the days supply to ensure payment. 
ME: No. Proper billing is not part of my Oath of a Pharmacist, but taking care of my patients is. You can call my State BOP and explain this to them. If they acquiesce and change the law for you, then I will change it. Until then, off you may bugger!

CPP: How'd I do? 
CP: Bang on. I especially enjoyed "off buggering". 
CPP: I can't believe the insurance wanted you to make the days supply wrong.
CP: It would sound like insurance fraud if it weren't coming at the behest of the insurance. 
CPP: It's cases like this that remind me of your favourite John Grisham quote: "If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need lawyers". 
CP: If it weren't for insurances making things harder, we wouldn't need insurances?
CPP: Something like that. I wonder what the days supply for a Depo-Provera shot should be? 
CP: Good question. I wish I had thought to ask.

Monday, August 31, 2020

Why Insurances Suck #244

CP: Thanks for calling Commiseration Palace, home of CP, Pharmacist du jour, how may I help you?
Nurse Is Calling Explaining Our Niggling Endeavour: I am calling about a prior auth you initiated with us. 
CP: Do go on. 
NICE ONE: I called and they said it doesn't need one. 
CP: Ah. My favourite game to play. I bill it and receive a one sentence reply: "prior authorisation required, have prescriber call 1-800-THATS-A-NO". I call you only to have you call them and have them tell you the pharmacist erred or misinterpreted our "prior auth required" message and that no such auth is required; prior or otherwise.
NICE ONE: Well, they did provide me with this alternative billing information to give to you. They said "provide this BIN, PCN, ID#, and GRP# to the pharmacist and it will go through".
CP: Sure. What the hell. Why not? 
<enters billing info as provided>
Well that worked!
NICE ONE: So it didn't need a prior auth?
CP: Yes. No. Wait. Hold on. What in the actual name of #PharmacyPhuckery just happened? 
NICE ONE: What is it?
CP: The card information you gave me? 
NICE ONE: Yes. What the insurance gave me to give to you? 
CP: Yes. It's not new billing for the patient and her insurance. 
NICE ONE: It's not? That's weird.
CP: No. <laughs> What's weird is it's actually a discount card from the manufacturer. Instead of paying for the medication or approving the prior auth, the insurance looked up a manufacturer coupon and gave that to you to give to me. 
NICE ONE: That's pretty lame. 
CP: No. That's pretty low.  
NICE ONE: That's a lot of unnecessary legwork for the both of us. 
CP: That's a pretty sardonic wild goose chase. Now I know the insurances are just messing with us. Must be today's game on their desk calendar. 
NICE ONE: How to phuck with the pharmacy and prescriber?
CP: Indeed. 
NICE ONE: I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. 
CP: That's why I get out of bed in the morning; to see what fresh hell pharmacy, insurances, prescribers, and patients have dreamt for me over night. It keeps our one-sided masochistic relationship phresh.
                                

Monday, August 24, 2020

You Cannot Help Those Who Will Not Help Themselves

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 

CP: CP's Pill Pauper Paradise. How may I help you? 
There Was A Time This Was A Thing: Can you give me a price? 
CP: $42.00
TWATTWAT: Huh? 
CP: You asked if I could give you a price. I did. $42.00 is "A" price. 
TWATTWAT: No. For my medication. 
CP: It could be $42.00. 
TWATTWAT: And it could not. 
CP: But it could be. Do you have insurance?
TWATTWAT: Yes. 
CP: Do you have the card? 
TWATTWAT: I used to use you guys. 
CP: And I used to sell drugs. I still do, but I used to too. 
TWATTWAT: I should be in your system. 
CP: Yes. I see a profile from 4 years ago. Has your insurance changed? 
TWATTWAT: Yes. 
CP: Ok. I'll ask again. Do you have the new information? A card perhaps? 
TWATTWAT: No. 
CP: Then I cannot give you a price. 
TWATTWAT: Why not? 
CP: I need the insurance to know whom to bill or at least to whom I should submit an online inquiry for a price. Since you will not, or cannot, provide this information, I cannot provide a price. I'm going to throw this out there as I'm sure you've already considered it, but you could call your insurance. 
TWATTWAT: This is ridiculous! I just need a price. I'm staying at my current pharmacy. 
CP: Probably best for all of us. And I still say it's $42.