Happy New Year! (Or Not…)

My first resolution this year is to do less.
I resolve to do less for other people...
but...I resolve to give people the knowledge and training to do things for themselves.
I resolve to not call your prescriber for your refills.
I resolve to not care about your prior authorization for an expensive acne cream from your dermatologist.
I resolve to not call your prescriber to fix his handwriting errors anymore.
I resolve to just say "NO" to your ridiculous expectations.
I resolve to throat punch you if you use the phrase "slap a label on it".

My second resolution is that I resolve to do more.
More talking with patients about their medications.
Taking more time to do the actual professional functions of my job…the ones that came with my college education and not the ones patients and corporations think are my job.
More fighting for my profession and my colleagues.
More putting the onus back where it belongs: on the patient, the prescriber, the insurance, the "man", or whoever may be responsible who is not me. (Because everyone thinks it's the pharmacist's phault.)

I resolve to post a sign about realistic expectations:
1. You must present your insurance card every time you drop off a prescription. I don't care if you have been here before, even if it was 167 minutes ago, I still expect you to hand it to me. (Your prescriber has this policy posted and you don't complain there.)
2. Your wait time will be based on the ever-fluctuating amount of work I have to do and CAN and WILL be adjusted to fit your attitude.
3. Copays are non-negotiable. There is no arguing with the pharmacy staff. Attempting to do so will result in longer wait times for you on all phuture drop offs for the rest of the year. (See #2.)
4. Prices are set by your insurance. I can point out their phone number on the back of your insurance card (because you obeyed Step #1) for you to call them directly. First, you must step out of line. Second, see #2.
5. You have the right to a consultation just like everyone else. Just because you opt to forgo this every time you are here does not mean others should be expected to do so as well. Their time is just as valuable as yours. If you complain, please see #2.
6. Just because everything went smoothly the last time you were here (no line, no wait, medication in stock, no insurance issues, etc.) does NOT mean this trend will continue. It's like the stock market: past results are not predictors of the phuture.
7. If you expect to have a good experience at my pharmacy, be a good patient. Be prepared. Obey #1. Know your insurance. If you expect your prescriber sent us a prescription, please call before coming to the pharmacy. Also, do not go directly to the pickup line. Stop by the consultation or drop off window and verify we received it and it has been processed. It could be in any stage of completion at this point and you needn't waste 20 minutes in the pickup line only to be told it's in the work queue or our stack of faxes/voicemails, etc. that have yet to be run and you have to get back in line when we are done. This also allows you to be compliant with Step #1…
8. If your prescription is waiting to be picked up and in my will call section, you are welcome to pay the price attached to it and leave with it. Asking me to add a discount card, try multiple manufacturer discounts, or change anything about the completed, ready prescription will result in you stepping out of line and increase your wait to that of the current wait time in my pharmacy. At this point I am not the person making you wait. YOU are. This will result in you being issued a business card with #2 printed on it…(Both the policy and a picture.) If you had read #7 and been a good patient, you would have called ahead and taken care of this before getting in the pickup line.
9. If you call me from the drive thru asking what is taking so long, my answer will be as follows: "It is taking longer than expected because I had it filled then all these people showed up, much like you, and wanted their prescriptions too. Imagine that. At a pharmacy, no less. In order to provide you with speedier service, I deleted your prescription and called over to the pharmacy across the street. They said it would be ready in 15 minutes so I transferred it there, along with your complete profile. I invoked #2 to the fullest extent. Thank you and good day."
10. Prices: It's not free here. It's not $4.00 here. It's not anything other than what I told you it was. Remember, YOU chose to do business with ME. I did not drag you off the street and force you to fill prescriptions here any more than Home Depot forced you to buy a fridge from them instead of Lowe's. It is a free country and I resolve to help you in many ways but begging you to be my patient is not on my to-do list.
11. Gift Cards: You want one, buy one.
12. I will only care about your health as much as you do. The less you care about it, the less I do.
13. Obeying all the pharmacy rules will not only expedite your service today and in the phuture, but will make the world a better place, one patient and unreasonable expectation at a time...