Whenever the lottery reaches outrageous jackpots, hysteria ensues and people lose the ability to think rationally. Offices pool money to buy tickets and employees dream of the what-ifs. Of course we were asked if we would continue working if we won a few hundred million dollars. Since it was a busy Monday and my entire staff was in rare, hyper-cynical form, operating as the well-oiled machine we are, my thoughts strayed and I had a couple good ideas of what I want to do with my time; either for fun on an off day, or should I ever be able to retire.
Yes, I would continue to work. Someone has to keep telling these stories.
Then the thought occurred to me. I should go to my local Wal-Mart and become a greeter. I know they no longer have them, which is why it would work. I'd grab a blue smock someone haphazardly tossed aside for a break, or steal one from Lowe's. I'd stand in the vestibule and comment on all the people entering.
"Nice Pajamas. Is that your Sunday best? They go well with the fuzzy bunny slippers."
"Cute brats. You must be headed to the pharmacy for some Adderall."
"Can I help you find anything today? Like soap?"
Oh the fun I could have. After being kicked out of every Wal-Mart in the area, I'd switch to Plan B: my money-making scheme. It goes like this...
Since Corporate America is so concerned about customer service above actual service and they believe in positive reinforcement for negative behaviour, I am going to visit every pharmacy I can. With no prescription, I am going to wait until there is a line at the pharmacy counter, get in it, then start yelling...
"What's taking so long?"
"I've been here over an hour!"
"All you do is slap a label on it!"
"My doctor said he sent it 4 hours ago. I was there. I watched him hit 'enter' on the computer."
"Hurry up. I have ice cream in my car I bought before I got in line which sounds stupid but everyone else does it."
"I always have this problem when I come here."
"You people don't know what you're doing."
"Can I drink with this?"
"Where's the Preparation H? Can I put it on the bags under my eyes?"
When they ask who I'm picking up for, I'm going to make up a name and date of birth.
"What do you mean you can't find me? My sister's aunt always gets her prescriptions filled at the CVS in Portland, OR. What do you mean this is Walgreen's in Portland, ME? Aren't you all linked? I want to speak with your manager."
I figure if I do this enough, I can collect enough gift cards to make a comfortable living.
As The Cranberries asked, "Everybody else is doing it, so why can't we?"