Crazy. But that's how it goes...I know that things are going wrong for me. You've gotta listen to my words...
Sprint Service: Thank you for calling the SS today, how may I help you?
CP: Yeah. I got this letter in the mail?
SS: That's a statement with a Canadian inflection at the end making it sound like a question. Do you have a question? Question mark?
CP: I got this letter and I want to know why you people sent it to me! Exclamation point!
SS: We send all types of letters to your house. Some are bills. Some are offers for new services. Some are advertisements for new phones.
CP: YOU people sent them to me. Why don't YOU know what it is?
SS: Our corporate sends those to households. They do not come from this local retail outlet. If you are a current customer you could receive every one of the mailings that go out across the country, including a bill or reminder that your contract is expired and needs renewed.
CP: Can't you just look it up?
SS: No. That's pretty much the point of sending the letter. To communicate a message to you in a readily retrievable form so we don't have to know why we contacted you.
CP: Well I didn't get the mail this morning so how am I supposed to know what it is? Someone told me there was mail from the SS on my counter and I want to know why!
SS: Do you have the mailing in front of you?
SS: Do you have a knife or letter opener with you?
SS: Carefully slide the knife along your jugular vein then stab yourself in the eye.
CP: How will that help?
SS: It will rather abruptly end this silly phone call.
CP: Sounds painful.
SS: Much like this phone call.
CP: Other options?
SS: Open. The. Letter...then Read. The. Letter.
CP: It says my contract needs renewed. Can you do that for me?
SS: No. You'll have to call the sales department for that.
CP: But Verizon called for me.
SS: I'm sure they did. This is not Verizon. This is Sprint. If you like their service and products better, perhaps you would be interested in contacting them.
CP: I don't understand. My pharmacy always calls my prescriber for me. They refill my prescriptions for me, they call me when they are ready to pick up, they do everything for me.
SS: This is the real world, not the pharmacy. We actually expect you to take care of your own life. You want a phone? You call the phone company. You want a cheeseburger? You drive to McDonald's. No one is going to randomly call you soliciting business and offering to do everything for you. There is no business called Let Me Be Your Bitch. No one does that.
CP: My pharmacy does.
SS: Your pharmacy is a whore.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho...