No. It's Your Phault

CP: CP's Drachm-A-Rama. How may I help you?

Nurse On Call Lecturing Using Ego: I'm calling back about a message we received the other day?

CP: Ok. What message? I don't have a note from the weekend. 

NOCLUE: No clue. I just had a message to call about this patient's Medrol Dose Pak. 

CP: Oh. Well that's not what the prescription said. It was for Medrol 4mg to take 3 tablets for 1 dose; written to dispense 3 tablets. 

NOCLUE: It was supposed to be a Dose Pak. It's the system's fault. 

CP: Well, I see here that we received 3 prescriptions for Medrol, each for the 4mg: one for 3 tablets, one for 2 tablets, and one for 1 tablet. That's not Dose Pak directions. 

NOCLUE: Yeah. Our system keeps making this mistake. 

CP: Well fortunately, our pharmacist over the weekend was smarter than you and your system and was able to correctly fill the prescription for the patient as: Medrol 4mg. Take 3 tabs (12mg) for 1 day, 2 tabs (8mg) for 1 days, then 1 tab (4mg) for 1 day. 

NOCLUE: Yes. 12, 8, and 4mg. 

CP: That's not the computer's phault, that's user error. Sometimes you have to be smarter than the software. If you keep having these issues, perhaps you need to retrain your staff and get some remedial training on the program. Many other offices use this successfully and aren't irritated when the pharmacy calls to verify the garbage you sent to us. 

UT: There's nothing worse than someone being so wrong yet so convinced of their correctness. 

CP: At least they don't suffer from their delusions. That's our lot in life. 

UT: #NoRespect 

CP: Hey, that's my line. 

Please Phix

Uber-Tech: Hey, check out these directions. 

CP: Nice. Another provider undone by the complexity of their e-script software. 

UT: Yeah. Really difficult to enter directions when it asks for directions. 

CP: I shall call. This should be phun. 

Silly Lady Answering Phones: Dr. Zoffis. How may I help you?

CP: I am calling because I need a prescription corrected and resent and someone to give your provider a lesson in how to use the software. 

SLAP: What seems to be the problem?

CP: Read the directions. 

SLAP: Simvastatin 40mg. Okay?

CP: No. I'm not a baby; I don't need them read TO me. I am asking you to read them to yourself and see the problem. 

SLAP: Ok. 

CP: Phine. Can you have the prescriber resend it with directions that are actual directions? 

SLAP: What should it say?

CP: How about "Take 1 tablet by mouth daily at bedtime"? Period. 

SLAP: Okay. Can I give it to you orally?

CP: You can, but I'm sure someone would get in trouble. I mean, we only just met and you'd have to come here after work and it's a whole thing so if you could just have the prescriber resend an electronic version, I think that would be easiest phor all. 

UT: I can't believe you. 

CP: What? She started it. 

<2 hours later>

UT: <laughing> Well, we received the "corrected" version. 

CP: Pretty much what I expected. 

Book Of Revelations

CPP: What is something you wish people would understand before calling the pharmacy?

CP: Just because your bottle is empty does not mean you are out of medication. 

CPP: Example?

Say That Again But Slower: I need a refill. 

CP: You do not. 

STABS: I do. 

CP: You do not. We refilled you Rx 17 days ago; you still have 13 days remaining. 

STABS: I just emptied my bottle into my weekly pill pack and there are no pills in the bottle. Empty.  

CP: <whispers> thanks for defining "empty" phor me. But can yo. . . 

STABS: I don't have any left. 

CP: You said you took them phrom the bottle and placed them in a weekly pill pack? 

STABS: Yes. 

CP: I'm going to need you to say that again, but slower. 

STABS: <draws it out for effect because I am apparently stupid, not him> I. took. them. from. the. bottle. and. put. them. in. a. pill. pack. 

CP: So you still have medication. 

STABS: Yes. but my bottle is empty. 

CP: But you simply relocated them; rehomed them, if you will. You are still in possession of medication to get you through the next 13 days until your refill is due, yes? 

STABS: I guess. Yes. I see what you mean. 

CP: Just because your bottle is empty, does not mean you are out of medication. 

CPP: Good one. Another, perhaps?

CP: You know me. 

CPP: What's this one titled?

CP: Stay home. 

CPP: Let's hear it. 

Yes, Every Patient: I wish I could get everything on the same day. 

CP: Boy, do I have good news phor you!

YEP: You do?

CP: Yep. You CAN!

YEP: I can?!

CP: Yep. 

YEP: How?

CP: Stay home!

YEP: What?

CP: Don't come in the second you receive a call or text or carrier pigeon. If/when you receive that communication, call in the rest of your refills, or call us and ask what was filled. We keep them filled for 10-13 days (depending on whom you ask and the phase of the moon) so they can stay here where they are safe phrom harm until you are ready to adopt them and bring them to their new permanent, forever home. 

YEP: But I'm down there anyway. 

CP: Then don't complain. Otherwise, your refill dates are calculated on your pickup dates since our system is at least smart enough to know that, if the medications are still in my Will Call Bin, you can't be taking them. Call them in. Wait. Then wait some more. Unless you get the "you have until tomorrow" phone call, then come forthwith. But outside of that, save yourself a trip. Stay Home. Just because your phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it. Just because you saw the smoke signals and semaphores does not mean you have to run immediately to the pharmacy. Seriously, stay home. 

CPP: To quote Xavier McDaniel in the movie Singles: "Steve, don't come yet". 

CP: That's great. But that's a 30 year old movie and most people won't recognise it.

CPP: Do you have more of these Revelations?

CP: Indeed I do. 

CPP: Let's have another round. 

CP: This is just a simple FYI, a PSA, if you will. 

CPP: Ok. Let's hear it. 

CP: May I have your attention please? You do not have to bring your bottle to the pharmacy for your refill.

Asked And Answered

CP: What do we like least?

MICE ELF: Repeating ourselves, whether by answering the same question or having to redo work we've already completed. 

ME: Great trait for working retail. 

CP: Quiet. It's about more than just repeating answers that won't change. Toddlers that continue asking "why" are more tolerable than adults who believe if they keep asking, maybe I'll change my answer; as if I haven't already considered every alternative. 

MICE ELF: Sounds phair. I remember the post you wrote about how everything before the "but" in a conversation is meaningless. 

ME: Yeah. Does this mean that everything asked after the period in your statement is meaningless as well?

CP: That would be correct. Do you know what time it is?

MICE ELF: I'm not phalling phor that. The answer is no. 

CP: Correct. It would not do me any good to say "but you're wearing a watch" or "there's a clock on your computer" or "can't you check your phone?" since I asked you a yes or no question. 

ME: Simple logic. 

MICE ELF: What happened to bring this conversation about again?

CP: More stupid questions. Allow me to illustrate. 

CP: CP's Palace of Dreams and Drachms. How may I help you?

Mail Order Refill Out Now: I forgot to request my refill on time from mail order and now it's going to be late. Can you give me some to get me through?

CP: Have we ever philled this prescription phor you at this pharmacy?

MORON: I don't think so. 

CP: <Checks computer> No. No we have not. Since I do not have a valid prescription phor you, I cannot phill this medication or give you any. Call your doctor, have him send a new prescription to me and I can phill it and you can be satisfied and on your way. Period.

MORON: Can I bring you my bottle to prove I'm taking it?

CP: No. 

MORORN: Can you call mail order to transfer my final refill?

CP: You mean the one you requested late that is now in process and which they won't be able to transfer to me since they are actually using it? No. 

MORON: Can you call my doctor to request a refill?

CP: No. Since I have never filled this phor you, I cannot request a refill since the operative part of that word is re-, as in to phill again. 

MORON: Can you just put some in my old bottle? 

CP: No. And I am not doing this anymore. I have provided you with the answer to your question: No. I then, out of the goodness of my heart, provided the exact steps necessary to allow you to get what you ultimately needed - a medication fill to hold you over until your late-requested refill arrives. This satisfies my obligation to you. My answers will not change just because you do not like them. Since I know you heard me, this means it must be a comprehension issue. Therefore, I will repeat my instructions, then bid you good day: Call your doctor. Ask for them to send a refill to me. I will phill it. All will be well. Period. Good Day. <click>

Be Nice

CPP: What is one request you have, whether it's in retail or other interactions with humans?

CP: Be nice. 

CPP: Sounds simple. 

CP: It is. I wrote a post years ago about how there are two types of people who make an impression on you: nice people and assholes. When the phone rings, and businesses have Caller ID, don't be the asshole that causes the employees to play "nose goes"; same can be said phor when we see your phace bouncing down the aisles toward us. 

CPP: You're either memorable in a positive or a negative way?

CP: Or you fly under the radar because you're just being a decent, pleasant human being. 

CPP: I get the sense there is a negative story coming. 

CP: Right your are, Ken. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Drachm-A-Rama. Are you picking up?

Totally Witchy Ass Twat: Duh. That's why I'm in the pickup line. 

CP: Oh. It's going to be one of these interactions, is it?

TWAT: I'm here to pick up for my husband. 

CP: Ok. I just need your ID so I can scan it into the register. <holds out hand to receive said ID>

TWAT: <drops ID on counter under outstretched hand>

CP: <Stares at TWAT and continues holding out hand>

TWAT: WHAT? IT'S RIGHT THERE!

CP: As i my hand. I placed it there so you would be able to place it in my hand, so I wouldn't have to pick it up and so I could politely return it to you. I'm not a servant and you will treat me respect. Now put it in my hand. 

TWAT: This is ridiculous. 

CP: I know. Who knew being polite was so difficult.

TWAT: <retrieves ID from counter and slams it into my hand>

CP: I've only met you twice since I've been at this location and you have always been this rude to my staff. I truly look forward to waiting on you. 

TWAT: I bet you do. You haven't been so nice either. 

CP: Right. Expecting you to be a decent human is a tall order. Next time be nice or don't come here. I will train you to be a better patient or I will dismiss you phrom my store. 

TWAT: <scoffs and slams everything into her bag>

CP: Sometimes you get bad customer service because you're a bad customer. 

CPP: Please tell me you ended that with "now go away or I shall taunt you a second time"?

CP: I just smiled broadly and waved like Forrest Gump greeting Lt. Dan. 

#BeNice 

#YouGetTheExperienceYouDeserve 

#DontBeATwat 

My Own Research

CP: I miss the toddler years. 

CPP: Your own?

CP: Yes, and watching children through that age. 

CPP: Why? 

CP: Because they always want to try things on their own. "I can do it all by myself" is a common refrain. 

CPP: Good for them. That's how they learn. 

CP: And there comes a certain point where you learn things you can do and things you can't do; to trust experts either to show you or teach you, or to do the work for you. That's why we pay professionals. 

CPP: Except pharmacists. We don't get paid for our brains. 

CP: Right. But we, like other professionals, know a lot and people still come to us for our wisdom. 

CPP: Why is today's theme "My Own"? 

CP: Besides these songs? My Own Prison, My Own Worst Enemy, My Own Summer (Shove It)? There are some times when doing things on your own is ill-advised, counterproductive, or a waste of time. 

CPP: And today's story?

CP: A waste of time. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Drachm-A-Rama Bait and Tackle and Pharmaceuticals. How may I help you?

Fairly Rash And Not Knowledgeable: Did my doctor call in my prescription?

CP: She did. 

FRANK: How much does it cost?

CP: $36.00

FRANK: For a cream for my face?

CP: Yes. 

FRANK: My doctor said this would help. 

CP: She is a dermatologist, this is her bailiwick. 

FRANK: I'm not sure if I'm going to get it. 

CP: Due to cost? Or something else?

FRANK: "I'm going to do more research. I don't want my face to get worse."

CP: <makes actual air quotes> "More research?" Of what kind? You went to a doctor, a specialist in the field of Dermatology, a doctor who diagnosed your condition based on her expertise in this field of specialty, who told you to get this prescription filled and it would help and yet you "are going to do more research"? What, pray tell, will this involve that supplants this doctor and her educational expertise and years of practice?

FRANK: I just want to make sure it's safe. 

CP: Ok. Let me know what you decide. 

CPP: Did she get it?

CP: Yeah. About half an hour later. 

CPP: Exhaustive research, that. 

CP: Indeed. People take longer to research their lottery numbers and the samples for their cheeseboards than she did. 

CPP: You were most persuasive. 

CP: I like to think so. 

How Do You Explain Free?

CP: Remember the guy who complained that his copay was $0.00?

CPP: Yeah. Didn't he say something along the lines of "I don't need a handout. I PAY for my stuff."?

CP: That's the guy. 

CPP: What happened this time?

CP: The asterisk. 

CPP: The asterisk? Oh. Oh yeah. The asterisk is a bitch; gets people all the time. Why do they make them so small on those advertisements?

CP: Marketing 101 - size matters.

CPP: Ok. Let's hear it.

Dude In A Rush Really Heeding Every Ad: I saw your sign. 

CP: Did it open up your eyes?

DIARRHEA: Huh?

CP: You'll have to be more specific as we have more signs than Dolores Umbridge had Proclamations. 

DIARRHEA: I saw your ad for flu shots. 

CP: And you thought to yourself "today is the day"!

DIARRHEA: I did.

CP: Have you filled prescriptions with us before?

DIARRHEA: I have not. 

CP: Okay. I just need to see your insurance card. 

DIARRHEA: The sign said "free". 

CP: It did. It still does, in fact. 

DIARRHEA: <stares vacantly>

CP: It's free to you, but someone pays; and it's not me. 

DIARRHEA: I have Medicare. 

CP: Right. So they, as your insurance provider, are paying the cost; ipso facto it is "free". 

DIARRHEA: I don't understand. Your sign says it's free. 

CP: If your copay on a medication is zero, you pay nothing. It still costs to fill it and bill and put medication from the big bottle into the little bottle, but those costs are paid by your insurance, Medicare in this case. Free to you does not mean without cost. Again, someone is paying for it. 

DIARRHEA: I'll wait until I learn more. 

CP: Interesting takeaway phrom this conversation.

CPP: He didn't get the shot?

CP: Nope. 

CPP: Because he didn't understand the concept of free?

CP: Yes. 

CPP: Is this the first year flu shots have been available in pharmacies? 

CP: You would think every year is the first year. Oh, and remember about a decade ago when I started writing this page how I mentioned Flu Shots would become the next "impulse buy" at checkout?

CPP: Yes. You were most prescient. 

EVERYwhere, Did You Say?

CPP: What are today's musings, CP?

CP: Adults "look" for things the same way kids "look" for things: <child/teen opens fridge door, looks at the first 3 inches of space, doesn't see what they seek, closes door and complains "we're out of xxx...">

CPP: Very true. And?

CP: People don't read. Most CAN, but it's a choice to NOT. 

CPP: I take it these two facts are somehow related? 

CP: Indeed they are. 

CP: Thank you phor calling CP's Drachm-a-Rama, how may I help you?

Verily I Looked Everywhere, Like I'm Exhausted: I can't find my Losartan. 

CP: I'm not sure how calling me can help you phind it. I work at the pharmacy, I don't do search-and-rescue. 

VILE LIE: I just finished filling my pill box for the week and I have no more Losartan. 

CP: That's strange. We just filled this phor you 9 days ago; the same day you signed phor it. It left the pharmacy in your hands so again, I am not sure how I may provide assistance; or why I am necessary for this conversation. 

VILE LIE:"I looked everywhere for them!"

CP: Did you, though? In your car? Under the bar? In the loo? Near your kazoo? On the shelf? Near the Christmas elf? Did you check your purse? Or near pages of verse? 

VILE LIE: I need my medication and I looked everywhere. Can I get more?

CP: You may always purchase more, provided there are refills remaining, but your insurance will not pay again so soon. 

VILE LIE: Why not? 

CP: They just paid for a 90 days supply 9 days ago. They're not inclined to pay phor your mistake. Seek, and ye shall phind. 

VILE LIE: I'll check again but you need to get me a refill. 

CP: Ok. I'm going to get back to work now and you can keep looking. Until you've exhausted all possibilities, you need not contact me again. I give it 2 hours before you call to tell me you found them. 

<3 hours later>

VILE LIE: I found them. 

CP: No shit. Amazing what happens when you ACTUALLY look EVERYWHERE. Of course you piqued my curiosity and I need to know the answer to the Mystery of the Missing Medication. 

VILE LIE: The reason I didn't find them is they're now green; they were white before. 

CP: Wait. Instead of looking at the label on the bottle that clearly reads: "LOSARTAN", you opened the bottle, looked at the tablets and said "Hmm, green, nope." then proceeded to call me, waste my time, then spend 3 more hours looking phor them?

VILE LIE: Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that. But no one told me they changed from white to green. 

CP: Is there a green sticker on the bottle? 

VILE LIE: Yes. 

CP: Does it read:" THIS IS THE SAME MEDICATION YOU HAVE BEEN GETTING COLOR, SIZE OR SHAPE MAY APPEAR DIFFERENT "?

VILE LIE: Yes. 

CP: Let me guess, you didn't read that either?

VILE LIE: No. 

CP: And this is why signs don't work. 

CPP: As you always say, "I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it phor you". 

CP: I can give you a sign, but I can't make you read it. . . or comprehend it.