Notice

CPP: What is today's word-of-the-day?

CP: Notice. It is a verb that means "become aware of" according to lexico.com. 

CPP: How did you select today's word?

CP: I heard it in a recent conversation. 

CPP: Please share with the class. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Cosmic Pastilles. How may I help you?

Non-Observant Lady Opining: I noticed I didn't get a call for my husband's Eliquis refill. He missed his dose today because of you. 

CP: You don't say. You noticed we didn't call but you didn't notice his bottle was getting emptier and emptier with each dose you did give him. How selectively observant. Curiouser and Curiouser as my phriend A Little Interesting Clever Explainer was oft heard to quote. 

NO LO: Well?

CP: Water!

NO LO: What?

CP: Second Base! I'm good at these. Keep them coming. 

NO LO: No. Why didn't we receive a call? He missed a dose. 

CP: Phunny you should say that. We last filled his prescription for a 90 days supply 99 days ago. I'm not saying he missed other doses, it is within the realm of (unlikely) possibility that you had a dose or two . . . or 9, extra but. . . he's missed more than A dose in the last 3 months. We also would've filled this about 2 weeks early which means you likely missed the window of opportunity within which to retrieve his refill. I can get it ready now if you like. There's still time to make up the missing dose you forgot to give him. 

NO LO: I also noticed that I didn't get a call for my HCTZ. 

CP: You are on a roll this morning. Have you thought of joining your local ornithologist organization? Obviously observation is obligatory and your penchant for noticing things could really help in the field. 

NO LO: No. It just comes natural. 

CP: Selectively natural. And you would not receive a call phor your medication. 

NO LO: Why not? I'm almost out!

CP: Well the system attempts to fill prescriptions when they are 80% complete. You received a 90 days supply 138 days ago. Not only did you miss your window for my computer to refill it for you, you are 50% of the way into the next, missing refill. You're either Pharmer Jesus feeding thousands of people on 5 loaves and a couple fish, or you're woefully noncompliant. Either way, I can't help you. I can refill it today though.

NO LO: Phine. 

CPP: Ever notice how patients only notice what they want to notice? 

CP: You mean when it's convenient for them to complain about their lack of observance because they just noticed it's a issue? 

CPP: Precisely. 

CP: It still amazes how few people get stranded on the side of the road after running out of gas. 

CPP: Yeah. They can ignore all our phone calls and texts and smoke signals and semaphores but get them in a car with warning lights and they now stop for gas. 

CP: Well running out of gas is embarrassing; running out of your medication means you can project your insecurities and lack of planning on another person to feel better about yourself. 

CPP: 'Murica. 

CP: #HowDoYouNotNoticeTheBottleIsGettingEmptier

And Scene. . .

<Our story opens on a nondescript pharmacy in a nondescript town on a nondescript corner shortly after dawn (okay, like 8:47, close enough) on a Saturday. We are standing behind the main character, a pharmacist, peering over her shoulder as she unlocks the door and disarms the alarm>

CP: <inner monologue> Today is going to be a great day. I can pheel it!

Narrator: It was NOT going to be a great day. 

CP: I'm going to start my computers and get everything ready to start my morning. I got up early and arrived to work earlier than normal; I got donuts even. 

<looks out of gate and sees a gentleman sitting on the waiting bench>

CP: <inner monologue> Going to be a good day. 

<Rolls up gates>

CP: Greetings and Salutations! Are you picking up today?

Gonna Ruin Everyone's Morning Like It's Nothing: No. 

CP: Well, you're at pick up so. . . Are you dropping off?

GREMLIN: No. 

CP: Ok. Question?

GREMLIN: No. 

CP: Ok. Well I'm about out of guesses as to why you are at my counter then. 

GREMLIN: I need my second booster. 

CP: Ok. We do those by appointment only, during the week. 

GREMLIN: I'm leaving town Thursday.

CP: Nice. Have a dandy time

GREMLIN:I need my booster. 

CP: Not really though. But you can return Monday and schedule a shot for then. 

GREMLIN: Well I need this Rx filled too then. 

CP: Ok. Viagra. It'll be about 20 minutes. 

GREMLIN: WHAT?! Twenty Minutes? Twenty Minutes!

CP: Yes. Repeat it back to me so you understand. Well done. 20 minutes is correct. 

GREMLIN: Why?

CP: Well, as you clearly witnessed, I arrived; I started my computers; I just opened the gate. You walked up to my counter ahead of the two people who are now behind you. As soon as the gate lifted, my phone started ringing. I am also flying solo today so, yeah, 20 minutes is a phairly solid estimate. 

GREMLIN: "I can't wait another 20 minutes. We've already waited 20 minutes!"

CP: Sorry. What? 

GREMLIN: We've already been here 20 minutes. 

CP: Aww, you're so cute. You do realise that you can't count wait times outside of our hours of operation. 

GREMLIN: Huh?

CP: Waiting times before we open DON'T. COUNT! I walked out last night at 7pm. I passed a gentleman walking into the store with an Rx in his hand. If he were standing here, right now, and I told him "20 minutes", he would not be able to ask, with sincere incredulity, "Why so long? I've been waiting over 10 hours already!". So knock it off, sit back down, and wait your 20 minutes. 

GREMLIN: I can't wait. Give me back my script. 

<10 minutes later>

GREMLIN: I'll just leave this here and come back when I get my shot Monday. 

CP: Okay. It'll be here Tuesday. 

GREMLIN: What? Why? 

CP: I have to order it. And now that I know you aren't leaving until Thursday, you can have a little patience too. You need to learn how to be patient. 

GREMLIN:This is ridiculous!

CP: I've been waiting phor 2 years phor The Sandman to come out, ever since it was announced. Netflix just said I have to wait until, August; 9 more weeks. I don't think that's phair. See you Wednesday. Next!

Going On A Trip

ME: We're going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship. . . 

MICE ELF: Zooming through the sky!

CP: Have you stopped by the pharmacy at the last minute to get your medications refilled?

ME: Yes!

CP: Everyone have their role assignments?

MICE ELF: Yes!

CP: Shall we?

ME & MICE ELF: Lettuce!

Gate Agent Trying Everything,  But. . . : Welcome to Delta. Where are you headed today?

M+ME+CP: We are traveling on holiday. 

GATE B: Not what I asked. Tickets?

MMECP: Um. We don't have them. We figured you could look them up. 

GATE B: Look them up? 

MMECP: Yeah. In "The System". We are flying to that one city, in that state with all the vowels in its name? it's kinda big, but not like NY/LA big. No. More like Springfield?

GATE B: Which one? 

MMECP: All of them. Can't you look it up? It's under Pharmacist, Cynical. I've flown with you guys before; I don't understand the problem. 

GATE B: Per federal regulations, you must have your boarding pass. . . 

MMECP: Which you supplied to me and I forgot so since I have a flight to catch and you issued the first ticket, fetch another posthaste. 

GATE B: I cannot do that. Are you even sure this is the correct airline? Date? Time? Are you sure you have a flight today?

MMECP: Duh. I made it on the TWA phone prompt thingy you had me do. 

GATE B: TWA?

MMECP: Uh, yeah! 

GATE B: They went out of business decades ago. This is Delta. And we do online ticketing now. 

MMECP: This is an airline, right? You do have planes that fly, right? Just give me a ticket so I can start my holiday and be done with this. 

GATE B: You don't know where you are. You have no ID. You don't know where you're going; or when. But you're here and want me to fix all of this for you?

MMECP: For free. With upgrades. Since you messed up and "lost" my reservation even though I come here all the time, I need extra nuts for my flight. 

GATE B: Oh, I think your level of nuts is chokingly high.

MMECP: Look, we work retail; pharmacy no less. We know how this works. Our patients have been educating us. All we do is not plan ahead, randomly show up unannounced and unprepared, ask for things to which we are not entitled, complain about things that are actually our responsibility, argue and make scenes from which you, the retailer, will cower and become subservient, then acquiesce by granting our every demand. Now fetch us our flight forthwith!

#IfTheRealWorldWorkedTheWayPeopleBelievePharmacyDoes 

#OurPatientsAreDefinitelyNotLittleEinsteins 

#WhereWeAreIDontKnowWhereWeAre 

Sudafed - The Saga Continues

ME: What's the most frustrating part about so many Sudafed products on backorder?

MICE ELF: Besides the uncomprehending looks on people's faces when we tell them everything is unavailable?

CP: Or the inability for their brains to get wrapped around the fact that, yes, this is the 7th place you've been and the answer has been the same everywhere else so don't get mad at me?

ME: But I need it!

MICE ELF: I gots to haves it. My preshusss.

CP: How badly do they really want it though?

ME: Not bad enough to look at other options. 

MICE ELF: Or at least not bad enough to entertain alternative solutions. 

CP: Precisely. 

ME & MICE ELF: Yay! Story time!

CP: Welcome to CP's D&D. How may I help you?

Another Sudafed Seeker Begging And Grumbling It's Not So: D&D?

CP: Draughts and Drachms. How may I help?

ASS BAGINS: I need the Advil Cold and Sinus. 

CP: We are phresh out. 

ASS BAGINS: Really?

CP: No. It's been on backorder for months. 

ASS BAGINS: That's what everyone keeps telling me. 

CP: At some point maybe you'll listen to the majority. Or you can keep doing your own research. 

ASS BAGINS:What's that supposed to m. . . 

CP: Or you could hear me out on a revolutionary workaround; a satisfying alternative to your predicament. 

ASS BAGINS: I'm listening. 

CP: I need you to hear me as well. I can sell you plain, red, 4-hour Sudafed and Advil. You take one of each, one blue pill and one red pill together in one hand and swallow them together. Your stomach will combine the two ingredients into Advil Cold and Sinus. Boom! 

ASS BAGINS: It's not the same; plain sudafed doesn't work for me. 

CP: You listened, but didn't hear me. I warned you about that. You take one of each. It's a medical technique referred to as Unavicci. 

ASS BAGINS: Unavicci?
CP: Yes. It's pronounced "oona-VEECH-E". You take one of each at the same time and it works the same as your trusty combo product. 

ASS BAGINS: It sounds Italian. I don't trust it. Plain Sudafed never works for me. 

CP: Do you like chocolate milk?

ASS BAGINS: Who doesn't?

CP: The store was out of brown milk; must be a brown cow shortage or something. Anyway, I took a gallon of White Milk and poured MICE ELF a glass. I took a bottle of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I added them to my glass at the same time. Chocolate Milk!

MICE ELF: It was sooooo good!

ASS BAGINS: That's not the same. I don't like white milk. It tastes like white milk. It's not real chocolate milk.

CP: Then I wish you well on your questing. 

ME: We need out of here. People can do their own research, but present them with a viable option to phix their problem and suddenly you don't know anything. 

MICE ELF: I miss being a trusted profession(al). 

CP: I need to leave this planet. So long and thanks phor all the phish.

What Does It Mean?

CP: Did you ever wonder how people get through their days without seriously injuring themselves or others? 

CPP: Only with every interaction I have at the pharmacy. It's exhausting. 

CP: And hard on the neck. 

CPP: Huh?

CP: Phrom all the times I have to turn my head like a dog; like you just did when you looked at me and went "huh?". 

CPP: Right. What is today's topic?

CP: Questions. 

CPP: As in there are no stupid questions, only stupid people?

CP: Indeed. Why do I lock my car when I park it anywhere?

CPP: To keep people out? 

CP: Why do I lock my house? 

CPP: To keep people out?

CP: What is the point of a lock?

CPP: To keep people out. Where is this going?

CP: #StupidQuestionOfTheDay brought to you by Adults Asking Really Dumb Vacuous And Redundant Questions (AARDVARQ)

 

AARDVARQ: Why is the men's room locked?

CP: To keep people out? I don't know. Did you try to ask the person inside why he locked it? What purposes do locks serve where you come phrom? Do you ask these questions at home when the bathroom door is locked? Or at other people's houses? ("Hey Timmy, why is your door locked?" TIMMY!)

AARDVARQ: So should I knock? Or wait? 

CP: Dude. #WhyAreYouTheWayYouAre? #GTFO

Only

Only: And no one or nothing more besides; solely.
No more than (implying that more was expected); merely.

 

MICE ELF: We hates the word "just".

ME: Hates it, we do. 

CP: I have a new one phor you: It's "only" a word. 

MICE ELF: What's to dislike about only?

CP: It's only just like just, only it's just a word. 

ME: Enigmatically unhelpful. 

MICE ELF: Just get to the point. 

CP: Here is yesterday's conversation:

Pt: I need to drop this off. 

CP: Are you going to wait or come back?

Pt: Well it's only 4 caps so I don't have to come back; I'll be around. 

CP: Good. Not sure what the "only 4 caps" has to do with your decision but I'll have it ready in 15 minutes regardless. 

ME: So your knickers are knotted because she used "only" as a synonym for "just" as a means to trivialise the job we have to perform?

MICE ELF: Your bloomers are bunched over "only" a word?

CP: Yes. 

ME & MICE ELF: Makes sense. 

CP: Counting to 4 capsules is not, has never been, and likely never will be the rate-limiting step in the equation that is philling your prescriptions. Phor people to diminish our job by use of the words "only" or "just" is phrustrating. 

ME: Well it is a perception that we fostered; or at least the big chains nurtured with their fast-food approach to a healthcare "profession".

MICE ELF: That's like saying that, in order to perform my oil change, the technician has to "only pull a plug". 

CP: Precisely. Don't minimise my job because you do not understand it.

#IfOnly

Phone Trees

CP: Have I complained about how much I dislike e-scripts recently?

CPP: It's been a minute. What's not to like?

CP: The users of the software. The programmers too, but mostly the users. 

CPP: That's pretty broad. Narrow it down phor the good phollks at home. Phind Phocus Phor Phuck's Sake. 

CP: Phine. Specifically I wish to complain about the offices that are unreachable when there is an issue, and let's face it, there's always an issue with an e-script; the side effect of so many e-scripts and providers having multiple offices. 

CPP: Like the office we had yesterday. Called the only number on the e-script, the one attached also to the provider in our system, only to phind out he left the practice some time ago. 

CP: Let me guess, they had no idea where he went?

CPP: Yes. But it was the answering service and she knew he still worked in their quick clinic location. While she didn't have a number to provide, she could transfer me. 

CP: Sounds good but. . . ?

CPP: But I was on hold awaiting the transfer and <click>. 

CP: I hate that providers who have multiple offices are somehow able to put only the location of the e-script license as their primary place of prescribing. There was a provider I was trying to phind who worked at 11 different locations; the e-scripts only printed with the main office information. He was never practising at that location and they never knew where he was day to day. 

CPP: You'd think when the provider signed in he'd have to check which location he was working. We don't generate our faxes with the corporate headquarters phone and address on them; it's specific to our location. That's just stupid and a waste of time. 

CP: While I dislike that, and have given up on trying after one phone call attempt (the patient gets the next call and is in charge of playing "now where did my doctor go?") what I loathe more and more is phone trees. 

CPP: You mean because there's rarely the option phor pharmacists with questions about e-scripts?

CP: Yes. That and the confusion they create. 

CPP: How so?

CP: We receive an e-script from Dr. Zoffis. It shows her address and phone number. Period. I call the number only to hear the phollowing options:

If you are calling phor phamily medicine, please press "1"

If you are calling phor internal medicine, please press "2"

If you are calling phor OB/GYN, please press "3"

If you are calling phor Geriatrics, please press "4"

If you are calling phor Behavioural Health, press "5"

Phor Billing, press "6". 

To hear this message again, press "0"

And the message repeats; you are not transferred to a general mailbox or human phor guidance. 

CPP: We have no idea what department the provider is in. I mean we could guess but. . . 

CP: But then you make a choice and you're taken to voicemail instead of being given a list of providers. 

CPP: Just call each of the mailboxes and leave messages as if you're a lost child looking phor her mother. 

CP: <best child voice> Um, this is a pharmacy. I'm trying to phind a doctor. Are you my doctor? 

CPP: Ooh, an Are You My Mother book but phor pharmacists. 

CP: We need offices to offer lines/options specifically phor pharmacists. 

CPP: Nah. We can just keep calling until they get annoyed with us. Then they'll do something. 

CP: Which is why I call the patients to contact the offices. Set the angry patient on them. Not only did they mess up the prescription, but now they won't take our calls. Sic 'em, patient! Sic Balls!

Too Much Stupid

CP: I'm tired of dealing with stupid. 

ME: <wearing shirt that reads "I'm With Stupid> Can't get away phrom it. 

MICE ELF: Hey now. 

CP: I meant phrom a work perspective. It's only gotten worse with each day. 

ME: What prompted this?

MICE ELF: We work with the public. AKA Stupid people. Individual dealings with individual people in controlled settings, not in the wilderness of public spaces, is acceptable but something happens to them in the wild frontier. 

ME: Continue. 

CP: Shots. Shots have made people dumber than I imagined possible. 

MICE ELF: Why don't you just segue into the vignette about it?

CP: Phine.

 

All Shot Seekers Today Are Causing Our Stress: I need to get my 4th shot; my booster. 

CP: Okay. Which shot did you want?

ASS TACOS: The Covid. 

CP: No shit? Huh. Threw me off with asking for the "4th shot". Was phairly certain you were going to tell me Jager. Which Covid shot?

ASS TACOS: The booster. 

CP: Phuck me. Didn't we go through this with the 3rd shot? Have you learned nothing? Moderna or Pfizer?

ASS TACOS: Moderma. 

CP: <sighs> Moderna it is. Have a seat and I will be with you forthwith. 

<CP walks out and continues sighing>

CP: Which arm would you prefer?

ASS TACOS: Oh <looks at each arm like one of them will suddenly sprout a little hand waving a little flag at me that says "me! me! pick me!"> I don't know. Does it matter?

CP: Not to me. It just has to be one of your arms; not phrom a passerby. 

ASS TACOS: Ok. I guess <keeps looking at them> I guess my Left cuz I'm right-handed. 

CP: Makes as much sense as anything else you could've said. I need to get right <points to the Shot Triangle on the arm> here, so if you could do whatever it takes to phree that patch of skin phor me, I'd appreciate it. 

ASS TACOS: If I hold it up like this, is that okay? 

CP: Not as okay as it would've been had you worn a short-sleeve shirt. This. Is. Your. FOURTH. SHOT! You haven't even had to to phorget the previous one like you do with your phlu shots. It was 4 months ago. How do you survive life at this point? 

ASS TACOS: <confused and a little creeped out> By getting my 4th shot?

CP: Well keep your fingers out of the way. My needle is long enough to go clean through your digits and still administer the shot. You'll just look a little weird walking out with your middle finger pegged to your shoulder. 

ASS TACOS: Think I'll need another shot?

CP: Sure. You'll need lots more. Hopefully, one of these times, you'll remember to dress accordingly, and to be ready by having your arm out when I walk out so as to not waste everyone's time. 

ME: Right? It would be different if this weren't the same process for the last year. This is the 4th shot in a year for people, 5th if you count their phlu shot, yet they act as if they've never been asked these questions.

MICE ELF:  Nor been told where I'm going to stick it.

CP: Maybe we should hang a sign:"If this isn't your first time, you know what to do". 

MICE ELF: I'd be afraid of what I'd walk out to. 

ME: Yeah, ME too. 

CP: Meh, they wouldn't read it anyway, much less comprehend it.

 

 

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” 

George Carlin