RPh = Legerdemainist

Only Best Existing Can Alleviate Life's Problems: I wish to purchase any and all of the following products from this professional dispensary of prescription products. 

CP: Do you always speak to people as if you are performing a google search? 

OBECALP:  Pardon?

CP: What is the best. . . ?

OBECALP: Of course. Only the best shall do. 

CP: Ok. On with the show. How may I help you?

OBECALP: I wish to procure some of your finest Hydrocortisone Cream 1%, Some Aspirin, Zinc, B6, and D3. 

CP: Odd list. Do you have prescriptions?

OBECALP: I do not. 

CP: Are you hoping for your insurance to cover a portion of them? or to be able to use your Health Savings Account to pay for them? 

OBECALP: I am not. 

CP: Then I can show you where these products are located on the OTC shelves. 

OBECALP: That shall not do. 

CP: Ok. May I ask WHY?

OBECALP: The stuff you have behind the counter is much better. It's better because you keep it back there. This I know. Else it would not be hidden back there. 

CP: Yes. We are the Guardians of The Keep. The font of knowledge and special formulations that are secreted within the alcoves among the brick and mortar hallways of our deep pharmacy. It may look small from the outside, but our apothecary elders have granted us knowledge and access to these deep recesses. It's like the Room of Requirement, our pharmacy. 

OBECALP: I knew it. 

CP: Then allow me to retrieve your requirements forthwith, post haste, and without phurther ado. 

<walks to back, exits rear door of pharmacy, enters store from the other side of pharmacy, walks aisles, selects patient's requested products, reenters through back door, pops back up at counter>

And here you are my good man!

OBECALP: Much kindness I wish upon you. 

CP: All in a day's work. 

CPP: <observing; smiling> That was quite the production.

CP: Thanks. 

CPP: Did he ask for "the best and only the Behind the Counter products will work"? 

CP: Of course. 

CPP: Ah, the sweet smell of naivete and marketing. 

CP: It still blows my mind that people think if we reach behind us to just "take bottles off the shelves" they are better than walking out front and just taking THOSE bottles off the shelves". 

CPP: Deception and misdirection. 

CP: Prestidigitation. 

CPP: Hey Rocky, watch my pull this OTC item out of the back. 

CP: If only people knew they were the exact same tablets/capsules/creams back here as they are out front. 

CPP: Even better, when we receive prescriptions for OTC items, if the OTC NDC is covered on Medicaid, we will walk right past the patient, pull it off the shelf, "slap a label on that bitch", and hand it over. Nothing special. 

CP: Except the label.

I Don't Need It. . .Yet

CP: How long ago did we learn to stop asking "how stupid can people be"? 

CPP: Working retail for any amount of time will erode your phaith in the human race. 

CP: Especially the last nearly two years. 

CPP: Indeed. What stories/anecdotes do you have today to represent?

CP: Story number one is phresh out of the gas station by my house. I often do my propane exchanges at this particular location. I love that it is conveniently located near the picnic table adjacent to the front doors. I like to watch people taking their lunch breaks there. 

CPP: I feel there is more. 

CP: On the Propane Cage is a large, bold printed sign that reads: "Danger! No Smoking near Propane". 

CPP: Which they placed next to the break table? 

CP: Upon which all the employees and local ruffians likes to take their cigarette breaks. They could turn around and open the cage while seated, with cigarette dangling like Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park. 

CPP: Yet they've never become airborne particles of their former selves. 

CP: Correct. And I know you will say "so?" and I will reply with "yet". . . Which leads me to the second story. 

CPP: Which is?

CP: How do I sell people on vaccines who are hesitant? 

CPP: Go on. 

CP: I had an insurance agent ask me about vaccinating himself and his family. This was for flu, just about the time the pandemic was in full swing last year and we had yet to receive covid vaccines. 

CPP: I'm with you. 

CP: You sell insurance to people? 

Good Insurance Salesman Talker: I do. 

CP: You are good at what you do? 

GIST: I am. 

CP: Why are you asking my opinion? 

GIST: You are a pharmacist. I have never been sick so I've never had a flu shot and when covid shots come around, I don't think I'll need that either.

CP: I will change your mind. 

GIST: We shall see.

CP: I take it you are well-insured for everything?

GIST: I am. 

CP: Auto, home, life, flood, everything? 

GIST: Yes. 

CP: When was the last time you filed a claim against any of those? House? Car? Flooding? 

GIST: Not in the 25 years we have lived here. 

CP: Nice. Lucky man. I need you to go home and cancel all of your policies today. 

GIST: Why? 

CP: It's a waste of money! You haven't filed a claim in 25 years! That's awesome. It must mean you will never ever need to file one so you can stop throwing away all your money. Get out there and spend it all! Live a little. 

GIST: That's not what I advise my clients. 

CP: Of course not. You advise them to purchase insurance IN CASE they need it. Much like your flu shot, which is free, of course, or any other vaccine, just because you have NEVER BEEN SICK, does not mean you won't be in the phuture. Just because some numbnuts at the gas station hasn't blown himself up yet by smoking in front of the propane tanks does not mean someone won't in the phuture. Just like any investment advice states "past results are not a predictor of phuture returns", the same can be said for stupid people smoking in front of propane tanks or while pumping gas as well as people refusing to receive their vaccinations on the gossamer argument that they haven't been sick. . . yet."

CPP: And how'd that go?

CP: He got my gist. He came back the next day for his shots.

Something New Every Day

CP: Quick and Easy Pharmacy, How may I help you? 

Concerned Recipient At Pharmacy Indicating No Adverse Events or Soreness Still: I'm concerned. 

CP: Hello Concerned. I'm Pharmacist. Why are you like this?

CRAPINÆSS: <serious face> I came in for a flu shot yesterday and I don't have a sore arm or any symptoms.

CP: Great! 

CRAPINÆSS: Not great.

CP: Why not great? 

CRAPINÆSS: I always have a sore arm and a fever after my shot. You gave me the shot so fast. Are you sure I'm inoculated? 

CP: Completely. 

CRAPINÆSS: But my husband gets his shot through the VA and he always has side effects with his shot. I just don't see how you could've given it to me that quick. It was barely a second.

CP: <snickers> Poor guy. I have a way with a syringe. I've been doing it that way for years, as has the person who trained me; he who was among the first to administer vaccines in the area and has trained many Jedi in the ways of the Phorce over the years. 

CRAPINÆSS: It was painless. and short. 

CP: <Stifles laugh> Um, thanks. 

CRAPINÆSS:  <still serious> And it was quick and easy. 

CP: <deadpans> I hear that lot.

CRAPINÆSS: <serious face still on> Good day. 

CP: Good Day. 

UT: Why are you smiling like that?

CP: That LOL

UT: Little Old Lady?

CP: Made me laugh. She was so prim and proper, so serious the whole way through her flu shot complaint, I could barely contain myself. 

UT: What complaint? 

CP: Her shot didn't hurt. At all. Who calls on the pharmacy to complain they have nothing to complain about? 

UT: I'm surprised she didn't ask "is it in" while you gave it to her. 

CP: Please don't ever say "while I gave it to her" again. 

UT: After every flu shot. From now on. How about "How'd she take it?"?

CP: Like all my exes, an inch and a half at a time, all the way to the barrel. 

UT: I think you could've used the 5/8" on her.

I Heard/Saw/Read It Somewhere

ME: Do your own research they said. 

MICE ELF: Uh-oh. Don't get CP started. 

CP: What?

MICE ELF: ME just said someone said "do your own research". 

CP: Haha. I love when people say they "did their own research". Remember when we were at University and we were taught HOW to think and not WHAT to think?

ME: Of course. WE were all there. 

MICE ELF: We learned lots about our subjects, and others. We learned how to read and evaluate clinical studies, how to research and write papers. 

ME: Yes. The good old days. 

MICE ELF: Yet no one trusts us, or any other, more expert opinions anymore. 

CP: Sad, really. But I did give myself a laugh after I overheard your conversation. 

ME: How's that? 

CP: This is how the conversation went in my head. I wish I weren't on the phone at the time. 

Merely Every Guy Arguing Things Which Aren't True: I'm here to get the J&J booster. 

CP: There is no booster. 

MEGATWAT: There is. I read a study somewhere. 

CP: Did you now? Do you have a copy?

MEGATWAT: I don't know where I saw it. On TV or NPR or somewhere. 

CP: Aha. I see. I see. Can you give me more than the headline to go on?

MEGATWAT: It said J&J had been approved for a booster after 2 months and it will bring me up to 94%. I want it. I had my shot in March. 

CP: This is the problem with attention spans and how we digest news today. It reminds me of those "spotty network" commercials where people only hear every other word. 

MEGATWAT: How's that? That's what I heard!

CP: Yes, it was announced that J&J reported the results of their Phase 3 trials. They reported that a second shot boosted immunity to those levels. However, the news did not say a booster had been approved, nor did it say it was recommended by the CDC or approved by the FDA. You can't even understand what you saw/read/heard on the news but you say you are going to "do your own research". Ha!

Let me give you an example: The study headline reads: "Every time a woman flips a coin it comes up heads". What is your takeaway? 

MEGATWAT: It's a miracle! I must take her to Vegas with me!

CP: But was it a singular woman? Or "woman" as in "not a man", or ALL women who flipped the coin? 

MEGATWAT: I don't know. 

CP: How many women were in this study?

MEGATWAT: I don't know. 

CP: What if I told you that the "study" involved one woman; that her "flipping of the coin" involved placing the coin on the table face-down then simply turning it over to show heads face up? Would that change your mind? Your "own research" is based on this flawed study. Much like the "alternative treatments" studies of your own research the study size was too small, there was bias in the study, she and the researchers knew which side was down so it wasn't a randomized, double-blind study. Basically, if you don't know how to interpret the data, you are incapable of "doing your own research". 

MEGATWAT: So can I get the shot?

CP: You are equally as flawed as your "own research". Please come back when you "hear" J&J has been approved for a booster. 

ME: You are correct though. 

MICE ELF: Yeah. People who purport to doing their own research are merely googling for research to back their preconceived opinion. 

CP: And I love when people post in the replies the same "studies" with the same headlines that are all based on exceptionally flawed data. 

ME: It's still amazing to me that, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary, these studies are still passed around as scientifically sound. 

MICE ELF: Probably the 3 worst cited studies have been: 1. Vaccines cause autism, 2. Oxycontin does not lead to addiction, and 3. the ivermectin study circulating. 

CP: As I said, the people who quote these studies back to us are the ones who can't understand or interpret what they saw/heard/read on the news, let alone determine if their information is coming from a legitimate source. 

ME: But keep in mind, thanks to Coming Very Slowly, our expertise is worth less than your interpretation of a news headline. 

MICE ELF: People can't even understand coupons, sales, how to assemble IKEA furniture but they can tell us all about "their own research". 

CP: Where else is the professional challenged? 

ME: Ted Bundy was his own lawyer? 

MICE ELF: Yeah. And how did that work out for him? 

CP: Leave the thinking to the experts.

You Can't Make Me. . .

. . . and continuing to argue and call me names will not help. 

 

Uber Tech: Angry lady on Line 2. Wants your name and all kinds of information. 

CP: Why? 

UT: I told her we are not allowed to fill her Rx for ivermectin. 

CP: Again, why does she need my name? Is that a veiled threat that she is going to report me in order to achieve my acquiescence? 

UT: I accidentally told her we had some because we just filled it for one of our regular patients who has been receiving it for his legitimate condition for over a year now. 

CP: Okay. I'll take over from here. 

CP: Pharmacist of Dreams. How may I help you today?

Continuing Unabashed Nagging That Is Sorta Harassment: My doctor called in my prescription to another pharmacy and they said they can't get it. 

CP: Did they now?

CUNTISH: And your lady there told me you have it so I want it. 

CP: Did you tell her you are using it for COVID? 

CUNTISH: I did. 

CP: Then I am not allowed to dispense it. 

CUNTISH: Why?
CP: It is not for a legitimate purpose. 

CUNTISH: You HAVE to fill it. It's a real prescription from a real doctor. 

CP: I'm not questioning its legitimacy, although I am questioning the morals of your provider. 

CUNTISH: You cannot refuse to fill it. 

CP: Indeed I can. 

CUNTISH: What's your name?

CP: I go by many names. None of them are going to fill your prescription. 

CUNTISH: You cannot refuse me!

CP: I can. And I am. The law is clear here. (I quoted her the actual number * of my BOP Rule hoping this would end her harangue. It did not.)

CUNTISH: My doctor says I have to have it!

CP: Then you will have to find another, less scrupulous pharmacy, to berate into filling it. 

CUNTISH: You're the 4th pharmacy I have called and they all said they don't have it. 

CP: I doubt that. I believe they are telling people they don't have it so they don't have to argue with patients and get verbally abused and threatened. Which is what I will be doing hereafter. 

CUNTISH: What's your name? 

CP: Listen, if you want something, threatening me is not the way to get it. I politely explained why I refuse to fill your prescription; just like the other 3 pharmacies. You have all the information you need. 

Now go away. 

CUNTISH: What's Your Name!?

CP: <click>

 

* It states: "A prescription, to be valid, must be issued for a legitimate medical purpose by an individual prescriber acting in the usual course of his/her professional practice. . corresponding responsibility rests with the pharmacist. . . an order purporting to be a prescriptionissued not in the usual course of bona fide treatment of a patient is not a prescription. . . A pharmacist is not required to dispense a prescription of doubtful, questionable, or suspicious origin."

Freedom

CP: If a patient comes in and complains about wearing a mask, saying it violates his freedoms, can I rebut with how he is violating my freedom to not have to listen to his bullshit? My pharmacy is not a pulpit. 

CPP: Didn't you make this case about offices calling to speak with you? 

CP: <laughs> I did. When the techs page me with "Pharmacist. Line 1. Dr. Zoffis wants to speak with you." I didn't get a choice. It takes two to make this conversation work. Maybe I don't want to participate in this one. Maybe I'll just sit it out. They're violating my freedoms by expecting me to talk to them. Even worse are when the patients say they "need to speak to the pharmacist". I don't think they do. I don't think I want to join. 

CPP: So you're saying your rights are being trampled? 

CP: Yes. If anti-mask, anti-vaxx feel they are being bullied by being forced to do something they argue is against their rights, what about my rights? I have the right to not have to listen to you. The only problem is, I can't mute you, hang up on you, change the channel, or delete you. 

CPP: Right? Our entire relationship is one of a transactional nature. No talking is required. 

CP: It's great that you're being forced to receive the vaccine by your employer. I don't care how much you hate it. I'm just here to give them. I don't care about your conspiracy theories. I'm not implanting chips, the patient won't die in a few months, and I don't care that you can still smell pungent aromas through the mask. Give me your arm, shut up and sit there. Or better yet, keep your mouth shut and pay me your copay. It gets old. 

CPP: Makes you have a new appreciation for barbers and bartenders and massage therapists. 

CP: They can't escape during their services either. But they can affect the service they provide. 

CPP: Oops. I thought you said "shave it all". 

CP: Hope you enjoy this drink. 

CPP: I have a job to do. But I don't have to listen to you.

CP: You have the freedom to shut up. I suggest you use it.

Nothing Changes. . . Everything Changes

ME: What's with the look?

MICE ELF: Yeah. You look a little pissed.

CP: I have not been drinking. 

MICE ELF: Angry. 

CP: Yes. That. 

ME: What happened?

CP: In the long list of "phrases your pharmacy hates to hear", this one is getting a lot of play lately: "In all the years I been dealing with this place, I ain't never had a problem with my insurance". 

ME: I hate that. 

MICE ELF: That's great. I appreciate you had a lengthy undefeated streak. Manchester United have a good one going right now too. Unfortunately, theirs, like yours today, will come to an end. But you had a good run. 

CP: To which he replied: "I guess I have to change pharmacies since you people can't get your shit together". 

ME: Another classic. 

MICE ELF: To which you replied?

CP: We are unworthy of your patronage. Please forgive us for ruining your streak. As a reward, we are promoting you to Ex-Patient-Of-The-Month! You prize is a free transfer to any pharmacy you like. Should you elect NOT to choose a pharmacy, a pharmacy will be chosen for you at random. Good Luck! And may the odds be ever in your favour. 

ME: Wow. Nice. 

#InAllMyYears

#WhyYourPharmacistHatesYou

Get Out Of The Line

CP: I always greet patients as they enter the store or approach the pharmacy. 

ME: Me too. 

MICE ELF: It's a good way to let them know they have been seen. 

CP: It also cuts down on complaints about them standing around without us acknowledging their presence. 

ME: Do you want a pat on the back or something?

MICE ELF: Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do. You can't take credit for things you're supposed to do.

CP: My issue is with those patients who do not acknowledge they have been acknowledged. 

ME: Like when you say "Hi. We will be right with you" and they do not respond?

MICE ELF: Or when you say "Welcome! Are you dropping off or picking up?" and they proceed to just stare blankly as if they just woke up in their body and have no idea who or where they are?

CP: Right. It's not your first time here. Or being in public. There is an order to social interactions; a procedure to follow, if you will. I say "hi" then you say "hi".

ME: Pleasantries exchanged! 

MICE ELF: Now we can conduct business. 

CP: Is it worse to ignore the first step? or just jump ahead to "stating your business" unbidden? 

ME: Like when people walk in, you say "Guten Morgen" and they say "Jones. Pick up. 7/7/77." and they haven't even fully entered the building yet?

MICE ELF: Right? Like let's just blow past first base and jump to dry fingering. 

ME: Something is very wrong with you.

MICE ELF: Well that's how it feels. I didn't even have the chance to look up or put on my fake smile and we're already blasting away. 

ME: It still amazes me how people can be clueless.

CP: Like the people who look confused as to where to stand. There are signs: "Drop off", "Pick Up", "Consultation", "Vaccine", but "Stand Here With Dumb Look On Face" is not among them.

ME: Precisely. 

MICE ELF: Remember John Pinette? 

CP: RIP. 

MICE ELF: He had a comedy bit called "lines drive me crazy" about his experiences waiting behind people to order food at fast food restaurants. 

CP: I always think of this when I'm in line. Or when people are in my line. 

ME: Walk up. Get acknowledged (so you know I'm paying attention). Announce your intention(s). Wait for my response. Follow orders. Move along. 

MICE ELF: Move along. 

#GetOutOfTheLine

#ThisIsNotTheLineYouAreLookingPhor 

#MoveAlong 

#WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong