Mutually Exclusive

CP: CP's Caps and Pills. How may I help you?

Human Understanding Horribly: I have a complaint. 

CP: Just one?

HUH: Yes. 

CP: Name?

HUH: HUH? 

CP: Ok. Go ahead with your grievance. 

HUH: You shorted me. 

CP: <checks computer, {phew, wasn't me}> Ok. And how did you arrive at this conclusion?

HUH: The bottle isn't full. 

CP: You say "the bottle is not phull"?

HUH: Yes. 

CP: Hmm. They're really tiny tablets. They don't take up much space, like children. 

HUH: Well the bottle wasn't full so I was shorted. 

CP: By that logic, we have shorted you nearly every time. This is a refill. How is this the first time you've thought to bring it to our attention; or to notice?

HUH: I noticed it was almost empty so I knew you shorted me this time. 

CP: The bottle is nearly never phull. The bottles we receive often have 500 or 1000 tablets in them and even THEY aren't phull. We don't have packages designed to phit every conceivable dispensing quantity. Even if we did, there would be no way to phit the large labels required. 

HUH: "Well, if you say so, I guess I have to believe you, but it doesn't make sense."

CP: It doesn't have to make sense phor it to be true. 

#ICanExplainItToYouICantUnderstandItPhorYou 

#YouDontHaveToBelieveItForItToBeTrue 

#YouAreAnSTDInAWorldOfAsexualReproduction

I Heard You, But I Didn't Listen

CP: What do we dislike about people?

ME: How much space do you want to phill with this post?

MICE ELF: People who don't listen. 

CP: Ask the question you want answered and answer the question you were asked. I have plenty of stories of people not listening. 

ME: Like the time the golfers kept calling us to make tee times and hearing our "CP's Pharmacy" message or us then answering "CP's Palace of Pills"? 

MICE ELF: Yeah. So we phinally gave up and just started scheduling them times. 

ME: At least the calls eventually stopped. 

MICE ELF: What's this have to do with us today? 

CP: People who approach the wrong counter then, when asked a question, are incapable of phormulating the proper, one-word response to it. 

ME: Hi. Are you picking up?

CP: Bingo. 

MICE ELF: Another of your "yes or no" questions. 

CP: But with a twist. Patients approach the PICK UP window, which is clearly marked as such. I look up, make eye contact and clearly enunciate "Hi. Picking Up?"

ME: To which they, to a person, all reply?

MICE ELF: YES!

CP: Only phor me to walk over, unlock the register and ask their names to:

a. have a person shake a bottle, asking "where can I find this"?

b. have someone ask to purchase Sudafed

c. say "I just have a question"

d. ask if there is a key to the toilet

ME: If you have a question, the proper response to our initial question is "no". 

MICE ELF: But they'll usually phollow it with "I just have a quick question".

CP: So true. But if you don't listen to the question I directly asked you, how can I expect you to listen to the answer I subsequently provided?

ME: I just give them random answers. 

MICE ELF: It's really phunny when they repeat it back to you while making eye contact and nodding. 

Liar!

Tightly Wound Accusation Throwing Ruiner Of Time: I need my husband's refill on his Ritalin. 

CP: Ok. You'll need to contact Dr. Zoffis as there are no phillable Rx's on phile phor him. 

TWATROT: They gave me 3 Rx's the last time I was there. 

CP: I'm not saying they didn't. I'm saying they are not here. Anyway, if you were paying attention last week, our State BOP now requires all C-II Rx's be electronically prescribed so, even if you had brought them to us, we would've returned them to you, instructing you to exchange them phor e-scripts.

TWATROT: I only take him to that office every 3 months and I know they gave me new Rx's. 

CP: Then they must still be in your possession as I do not have them here. 

TWATROT: I am calling my doctor and telling them you lost them. 

CP: Okey dokey. But you should probably check at home phirst before you assify yourself. 

UT: I know phor a phact that she did not bring us new Rx's. 

CP: I'll call the office and inquire. 

Dr. Zoffis: Yes. We wrote hard copy prescriptions last month, phor the next 3 months. 

CP: I phaxed a copy of the law that instructs you to send C-IIs electronically. Do you wish to resend these since she apparently lost them? <a phine reason to campaign phor e-scripts>

DZ: No. We will call the patient. 

TWATROT: <saunters in stoically> Here. 

UT: What are these?

TWATROT: My husband's next 3 Rx's for Ritalin. 

UT: These are dated January, February, and March. 

TWATROT: Yes. 

CP: These are the ones you told us you lost. 

UT: The ones you swore you gave to us. 

TWATROT: No I didn't. 

CP: Yes you did. We were both here listening to you accuse us of losing them and, after explaining the new law, you professed ignorance as to how that works. 

UT: With Dr. Zoffis sending 3 months at once with Do Not Fill Until dates written on them. 

TWATROT: "Well I don't live in the past so I don't know what you're talking about." 

CP: <looking at UT quizzically> Did she just say "I don't live in the past" when we called her out phor lying to our phaces?

UT: Methinks she did. 

CP: What a TWATROT. 

UT: I'm going to use that phrom now on whenever anyone accuses me of phorgettingm or losing something. 

CP: I don't live in the past. 

UT: It's not as if she said "I don't dwell on the past". That would've been more logical but "I don't live in the past" is so inspiring.

CP: Inspirationally inept. 

#IDontLiveInThePast 

#IDontPhorgetYouCallingMeALiar 

#WhyYourPharmacistHatesYou 

Unnecessary Dreck

CP: If one is asked a "yes" or "no" question, does there need to be a qualifier? Is more information necessary?

ME and MICE ELF: No. 

CP: Thank you. Everything else is irrelevant drivel. 

ME: We know. 

CP: I was told when testifying before a grand jury to only answer the question asked of me; do not offer any more information, especially to a yes or no question. 

MICE ELF: Yet it doesn't stop people phrom continuing to ask questions after we answer them with "yes" or "no". 

ME: Nor does it prevent them from continuing to speak after replying to us in the affirmative or negative. 

CP: Did my doctor call anything in phor me?

ME: No. 

CP: Are you sure? It was for an antibiotic. He sent it while I was there. 

MICE ELF: I need it. I'm going to die without it. 

ME: Every. Day. 

MICE ELF: I trust you have a newer twist on this daily dialogue? 

CP: Patients that do this to us. 

ME: Let's hear it. 

Dude In Car: I'd like to call in my refill. 

CP: Certainly. Do you have your Rx#?

DIC: No. I'm in my car. 

CP: What does you being in the car have to do with this? A simple "no" allows me to ask my phollow up question of "DOB?". Many people multi-task in their cars-they eat, text, make calls to pharmacies, masturbate, and all while driving. Just because you're in your car doesn't mean you're driving either. You could be at a light. Or in a parking deck, or with your mistress. I don't know. Just answer the yes or no question with one word and allow us to move along. 

ME: After you asked his DOB he probably said "I don't know, I'm driving". 

MICE ELF: I don't know. I'm washing my hair. 

ME: I don't know, I broke a nail. 

CP: Either way, after answering a yes or no question with either yes or no, nothing else matters. Keep the conversation moving. Whether answering my questions or my answering yours, the answer won't change. I won't phind your Rx and you won't phind your bottle. 

#HowToHaveAConversation

#AnswerYesOrNo 

#MyAnswerWontChange 

But It's The LAW!

CP: True or phalse?: Doctors had to pass a law exam phor their boards.

CPP: Probably true? 

CP: True or phalse?: Doctors have to continue to obey the laws once they enter practice. 

CPP: In theory, true. In practice, you'd be phorgiven phor thinking otherwise. 

CP: Why is it that when laws are passed, our State Board sends us multiple communications reminding us it takes effect today! and we have to be compliant today! but doctors get to plead ignorance? 

CPP: You're the a.) first, b.) only, c.) asshole pharmacist who calls us about this!

CP: Exactly. Here's a recent example phrom when the year was still a week-old infant. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Cures and Potions. How may I help you?

Innocent Little Lady: I wish to fill this for my husband. He just had surgery. 

CP: Hmm. 

ILL: Is there a problem?

CP: This is a handwritten Rx and, according to our state law, this must be e-scripted. 

ILL: Oh. Well he doesn't really need it. It's a just-in-case medication. 

CP: I can call the office, but they are likely closed right now. 

ILL: I'll take it back and visit them tomorrow. 

CP: Ok. 

CPP: Nothing wrong there. 

CP: It was the phollow up visit phrom her the next day. 

CP: You're back. 

ILL: I called the office and explained to them what you told me. 

CP: That all C-IIs must be e-scribed and this law has been on the books for several months now and we faxed the office the copy of the law after you left last night?

ILL: Yes. And guess what they told me? 

CP: Go somewhere else? 

ILL: Yep. We are new and don't have e-scripts so just take it to Rite Aid and they'll fill it no problem. They never have a problem with any of our prescriptions. 

CP: Can't wait to call them out on this. 

ILL: My husband doesn't really need this; he's surviving just fine with Tylenol so don't worry about it. 

CP: I am worry-free. G'night. 

CPP: Now this begs the question of which is worse?

a. The office blatantly ignoring the law that requires they have e-scripts and use them to write C-IIs or 

b. That other pharmacies/pharmacists will look the other way and just accept these incorrect Rxs out of hand?

CP: No wonder we have such a negative view of our profession. We have been fighting this for decades. There's always that "other pharmacist" who won't call or be bothered. Is the patient in need of the medication? Did I do my due diligence to verify the Rx? Will the BOP come down favorably if I phill it? Sure. But simply ignoring the laws every single time is disingenuous. 

CPP: Never mind the offices never being held accountable phor the arrogance of their ignorance. 

CP: I like that. Very politician-like. What are you going to do to me? 

CPP: And nothing ever happens to them. 

CP: We are the bastard stepchildren of healthcare. 

Preferred Status

CP: When someone asks your opinion or phor information phrom you, how do you respond?

MICE ELF: With my preference?

ME: I have a preference?

CP: Right. Simple things. When you complete surveys they are requesting your preferences, are they not? 

ME: Yes. 

MICE ELF: Sure. Where are you going with this? 

ME: <whispering to MICE ELF> another curious patient interaction. 

CP: How, if you do not tell someone, are they supposed to know of your special requests?

MICE ELF: <whispering to ME> This sounds rhetorical. Don't answer. 

CP: Phine. Allow me to present my story. 

Pain In The Ass Patient Obviously Can't Keep Expectations Together: I'm here to pick up. 

CP: Ah. Yes. You're our transplant who transferred.  

PITAPOCKET: Yes. I recently relocated my residence. 

CP: <with gleeful optimism> Welcome aboard. I have your prescription here. 

PITAPOCKET: Thanks. That was easy. Have a nice day. <walks away>

ME: I don't get it. 

MICE ELF: Wait phor it. 

PITAPOCKET: <returns almost instantly> Um. Excuse me?

CP: <optimism phading phast> Yes?

PITAPOCKET: I wanted the blue ones. 

CP: Come again? 

PITAPOCKET: The blue ones; I wanted them. 

CP: You called us yesterday to transfer this phrom our other location. 

PITAPOCKET: Yes. 

CP: We told you we had to order it since we were currently out of stock. 

PITAPOCKET: Yes. 

CP: You neglected to mention you wanted blue ones during either conversation. 

PITAPOCKET: Yes. Well the other store knows I need the blue ones. I told them. 

CP: Did you tell us? The ones actually philling it this time? 

PITAPOCKET: No. But I told them. 

CP: If you get a new hair stylist, do you tell them how you like your hair cut? Or, since you've had it cut before, do you just assume they know? If you hire a person of pleasure phor the evening, do you tell them what you like? Or just assume that everyone on every corner knows your personal predilections? 

PITAPOCKET: <shrugs>

CP: You can't walk in to any random Starbucks and ask phor "your regular" as they don't know you phrom any other random patron. You still have to spell it out phor them. If you want something special, you have to ask phor it each time. If, and ONLY IF, I tell you we remember, only then can you consider yourself off the hook. But you are still responsible phor YOUR special requests. Your special requests are only special to you. Deall? Verstehe? Skilja? 

ME: It's not a secret. You have to share. 

MICE ELF: Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. 

CP: It's. Not. A. Secret!

ME: Tell me what you want, what you really really want. 

CP: Phrom the Pierces to the Spice Girls in one paragraph? 

MICE ELF: <shrugs> 

The Most Elusive Concept In Retail

MICE ELF: What's phloggin' your noggin this mornin'?

CP: I believe we are too accustomed to everything always being readily available whenever we want/need it. 

ME: Grocery stores started the trend and Amazon evolved it. 

MICE ELF: What brought this about (asked knowingly after yesterday's twitter tirades)?

CP: Out of stocks. I posted how products were unavailable and, after repeated exaplanations, phrom multiple sources, patients still believe it is a pharmacy conspiracy to not provide them with their needed medications. 

MICE ELF: Do share phor those who don't phollow on the twitter. 

PT: My dad is looking for Magnesium Citrate; are these (holds bottle of MagOx 400mg tabs) the same thing? 

CP: No. The citrate is the liquid for Rapid Bowel Evacuation. It was withdrawn phrom the US market in July. 

PT: So is this everywhere, or just here? 

CP: What does "withdrawn phrom the market in the US" mean to you? It was pulled phrom the shelves. It is no more. It has ceased to be. 

MICE ELF: It would be nice if GI groups would read this and get the memo so they quit sending patients to us, who usually show up at 5pm the day before their procedures with an Rx they've had phor months, to get this. Phind an alternative. It's been 6 months! 

ME: Wow. What's your other case?

PT: I'm looking for children's Tylenol or Motrin. I can't find them anywhere and I've been all over. 

CP: They are on backorder. However, I was phortunate enough to receive a few 8 ounce bottles of Ibuprofen OTC this week. 

PT: Hmm. I wanted brand. 

CP: Hmm. Then good luck. You either need it or you don't. Beggars can't be choosers. 

ME: My phave is when they say "well why does your competitor across the street have it? 

MICE ELF: This is more true with products that are just starting to go on backorder or, that are not as common. 

CP: My answer is this. Have you ever run out of butter? Or flour? Or sugar? Or cornstarch? 

MICE ELF and ME: Yes. 

CP: Let's suppose you don't bake. Like ever. You hear there is a shortage of these staples and no store has any for months. If someone asked you if you have these items, you'd say "yes", right?

MICE ELF and ME: Right. 

CP: You HAVE them because you purchased them BEFORE the supply interruption occurred, yes?

MICE ELF and ME: Yes. 

CP: Can you get more? No. Do you have it? Yes. Why is this so difficult phor people to understand? I bet we all have items in our pantries/garages/basements/storage units/closets we never use that, if they ever became suddenly unavailable, we could sell online to the highest bidder. But why is this concept so elusive? I have it because I rarely use it. Now that it's in demand AND not available, no one can get it. There's a difference between HAVING something and GETTING MORE. 

ME: And we all use the same suppliers. 

MICE ELF: Shhh. Now you're just asking phor trouble phrom them asses. 

CP: Again, it's THE MASSES. You know what, in this case, THEM ASSES is perfect. 

#ICanExplainItYouICantUNDERSTANDItPhorYou 

#PharmacyPhuckery 

#YouAreAllBenzonatatePhuhCough

The Most Annoying Two Words

CPP: What are the two most annoying words, when combined into a sentence?

CP: Excuse me. 

CPP: You're excused. 

CP: Thanks. 

CPP: Why are these the worst words in all of spoken language, particularly as they apply to retail?

CP: It's like people who turn on their turn signal whilst simultaneously darting into your lane. Expectations. 

CPP: As long as they "signal" their intentions, that they are about to move, then they can be excused any repercussions for their incivilities?

CP: Precisely. You're beginning to sound like me. 

CPP: If only people knew. What makes this phrase so annoying?

CP: People wield it like a machete to create a clearing, a spot where they can insinuate themselves into whatever you are currently doing. 

CPP: People just seem to believe we should spend every second we are behind the bench just standing at one of the windows, hands folded fastidiously on the formica, awaiting the next living face; as if we have nothing else to do. 

CP: Apparently that's it. One "Excuse me" is okay, so long as you've attempted eye contact or made your presence known {usually annoyingly loudly (keys or cough, anyone?)} but any more without comment phrom me is irritating. 

CPP: I mean, it's as if we couldn't be doing our actual job back here. 

CP: Much as I don't have to stop counting or doing anything else to answer a ringing telephone, I don't have to look up to acknowledge your "excuse me"instantly. 

CPP: I heard you. Honest I did. Some stores have convex mirrors at their counters to see patients. Much like the Na'vi, I saw you. Seriously. You're not John Cena. But repeating your "excuse me" will not endear you to me. It shows you're impatient and will not likely take my advice anyway. 

CP: I'm counting. I'm on the phone with a doctor or office or patient with a medication question. I'm typing a new prescription or checking a new prescription or who cares what I'm doing but interrupting me to ask your stupid question or to even pick up or drop off when you've been here before is selfish and rude. 

CPP: And stay at one window. 

CP: YES! THIS! When I see you at drop off, finish what I'm doing, then walk down there, you are now at pick up. Unless you realised an initial mistake, stay put; don't go down there and scream "excuse me" and hit that counter because I wasn't quick enough phor you at the phirst stop. 

CPP: The only thing worse than this is hitting drop off, shouting "excuse me", moving to pick up, shouting "excuse me" then standing in the middle of my pharmacy, jumping up and shouting "excuse me" because you assume I either didn't hear you, I somehow missed your antics, or I'm purposefully ignoring your buffoonery. 

CP: Remember the post I wrote about how distractions are dangerous phor pharmacists?

CPP: Yes. You said imagine trying to read a new book whilst sitting at the penultimate seat to the toilets in a crowded pub on derby day and being expected to pass a quiz on what you've read. You'd have to keep rereading the same paragraph and likely would retain nothing. 

CP: How much of a distraction are these twats? Wait. Your. Effing. Turn.