Keep Your Doctor Out Of It

CPP: I miss the days when people trusted us. 

CP: I miss the days when people did their own jobs and didn't tell other people how I do mine. 

CPP: Oooh. What happened?

CP: Offices. Overstepping, as usual. Tired of "it'll be ready when you get there?". Had enough of "your pharmacy has to call us for your refills?" Let's try "phorget what your pharmacy told you, we know better. 

CPP: I pheel there is a story to illustrate this. 

CP: But of course. 

CPP: Don't call me a butt. 

 

CP: Hello. We received your new prescription for Novolog pens. 

She Thinks U Couldn't Know: What's my copay?

CP: Since this is a preferred item on your insurance's formulary, you have a zero copay. 

STUCK: So it's no charge?

CP: That is what zero means. Does it mean something different where you come from?

STUCK: Just making sure I don't have to pay. 

<fast forward to the next day>

STUCK: Did my doctor call in another prescription?

CP: Yes. For Humalog. But we still have the Novolog from yesterday. Why?

STUCK: Well the office called me this morning and said you couldn't fill my prescription and that my Novolog is no longer on formulary and that I have to switch to something else. 

CP: But I spoke with your yesterday. I filled the prescription and told you your copay was zero.

STUCK: Then why did my office call to tell me it wasn't covered? 

CP: As I do not work in their office, I cannot answer that question. Since I am the philler of the prescriptions and I, for the purpose of this discussion, spoke directly with your insurance who assured me there is no copay and this is the preferred medication, I would trust me over the office; the office that writes the prescriptions and knows naught of what I do here. Mayhap it would behoove you to ring them directly and ask them the same query? 

STUCK: I don't want to change from what has been working. 

CP: And you needn't. 

<Later that day>

CP: Did you phind out why your office is messing with your prescriptions? Or where they are receiving their information? 

STUCK: No. They just said it's no longer covered and I have to switch. 

CP: But I'm the pharmacist; I phill the prescriptions; I bill the insurance; I tell the office if something is not covered and initiate the message to the office alerting them to the requirement of a prior auth. None of these things happened. Your insurance covered the medication at no copay. 

STUCK: Can I still get my Novolog. 

CP: You poor poor dear. They really confused you, didn't they?

STUCK: Yes. 

CP: Phind a new doctor, one who leaves the hard stuff to the professionals. 

#TrustYourPharmacist

Sleep On It

CP: What is a "sleeping pill"?

ME: Well there's no such thing as a "pill" anymore so that's a bit of a misnomer. 

MICE ELF: Yeah, I mean sleeping "tablet" is more apropos. 

CP: Yes. We all know this. My question is phrased using the patient vernacular, not the professional one since this is how we receive queries phrom patients. So. . . ?

ME: A tablet that helps you fall asleep. 

MICE ELF: Like a Kindle? How about a medication designed to bring about drowsiness; a soporific, if you will. 

CP: Yes. Our interpretations of "sleeping pill/tablet/draught or soporific" are all the same. I used to believe everyone used these words to convey the same meaning; I discovered I am wrong. 

ME & MICE ELF: How so? 

CP: Yes. Apparently, it took the phollowing conversation to show me how wrong I have been all these years. 

 

Pt: I need my sleeping pill refilled. 

CP: Okay. What's the number or the name? 

Pt: I don't have the name; it's the one I take for sleep. 

CP: You mean the Ambien we filled last week?

Pt; Yeah. No. My doctor said that you gave me the wrong one. 

CP: But you do take Ambien, yes?

Pt: Yes. But my doctor said you gave me the wrong one; there is another. 

CP: You sounded like Yoda to Obi-Wan: "No. There is another". Do you know the name of this "other" sleeping tablet?

Pt: No. 

CP: I'm not seeing anything for sleep. 

Pt: It's for my restless legs. 

CP: Oh. You mean the carbidopa-levodopa? The Sinemet? 

Pt: That's it!

CP: No. It's not it. While it may help with your RLS and thereby allow you to sleep without twitching like my frogs in dissection lab, it is in no way ever considered a "sleeping tablet". 

Pt: But it helps me sleep. 

CP: Just because something helps you sleep does not make it a "sleeping tablet". Red Bull may give me wings, but in no way am I a pilot. 

 

ME: That's as bad as the people who cry "Do you know how important this medication is? Do you?"

CP: Nope. Please, educate me in the ways of the medication oh great "random-taker-of-something-someone-told-you-to-take-for-some-reason-you-are-misremembering". Please, educate the drug expert on drugs. I bet you explain to your plumber how to fix your toilet too, huh? 

MICE ELF: You're doing it wrong!

CP: I want to visit these people where they work.

#Confounded

#KnowYourMedicine 

#DontCorrectMeWhenIExplainWhyYouTakeThisMedication

Don't Count On It

CP: Are you picking up today?

I Can't Count Yet: Yes. I have 3 prescriptions. 

CP: Delightful. I show 3 as well. 

ICCY: Can I ring out my groceries here as well?

CP: I can do up to 6 items. That's 6 items or fewer. 

ICCY: Good. I have only five. Plus the three 12-packs of Dr. Pepper. 

CP: Last I checked 5+3=8, not 6. 

ICCY: Well Dr. Pepper is 3 for $10 so it only counts as one item. 

CP: No it doesn't. Doctors suck at math and even this Dr. Pepper would tell you 3 items for $10 still counts as 3 items. You're picking up 3 prescriptions. What if I only gave you one? You'd tell me I forgot two. 

ICCY: But it's 3 for $10; that's the deal. 

CP: The implied word you are omitting here is "items"; 3 ITEMS for $10. If the deal were 10 bottles of Iced Tea for $10, you'd be giving me 10 bottles, which, let's face it, is still much more than 6. You can't pick 6 sale deals and count that as one item each. You don't get to count certain items. 

ICCY: So I have to take them up front?

CP: Your math skills suck, but your listening comprehension works just phine.  

#WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong

I Always Wondered. . .

CPP: Uh-oh. You have that look on your phace. Penny phor your thoughts.

CP: I always wondered which group of people were the intended recipients of certain messages on phone prompts. 

CPP: Such as?

CP: ". . . if you require nothing else, you may simply hang up". Like, who doesn't know they can end a phone call by simply hanging up? 

CPP: Something tells me you found this someone? 

CP: I did. 

CP: CP's Draughts and Drachms. How may I help you?

This Woman Actually Thinks We Are Fully Focused on Lame Excuses: I called in for a refill and it suggested another one for me. 

CP: Okay. 

TWATWAFFLE: I don't want anything else. 

CP: Okay. It was as. . . 

TWATWAFFLE: I only needed that refill. It's not your job to make me fill anything else. 

CP: The computer wasn't forcing you to do anything; it was allowing you the opportunity to. . .

TWATWAFFLE: I don't need anything else and I don't like it. 

CP: It's phor people who have multiple refills. You enter one and the computer asks if you have another refill to enter. If not, hang up. 

TWATWAFFLE: It shouldn't suggest anything. 

CP: Ma'am. It's not suggesting anything. Hang up. 

TWATWAFFLE: I only need that one refill.

CP: Enter your refill. Hang up. Period. Like the way I'm going to end this call. Good day. <click>

 

CPP: Can't say I've ever had anyone get offended by the automated computer allowing me the convenience of entering my refills in an organised, streamlined manner. 

CP: Your convenience is someone else's Everest. 

CPP: But to call and complain about something as trivial as an automated system is beyond comprehension. 

CP: To normal people it is; to those of us in the retail world, this is par for the course. If I perceive something to be offensive, then I am offended and I will complain. 

#WhyYourPharmacistHatesYou 

#WhyYourPrescriptionTakesSoLong

#JustHangUp

I Think You Have A You Problem

CP: When I write my book, it's going to pheature all my posts about "If the real world worked the way people believe pharmacy does" and "how have these people survived this long?" as the main two sections. 

CPP: I don't think you need anything else; people will have a difficult enough time believing the stories in those two sections are true. 

CP: And that people behave this way, in public. 

CPP: Oh the joys of retail and working with the public. What have you phor us today?

CP: Damned if you do insanity. 

CPP: Proceed. 

Why Am I This Way He Asked Tersely: I am here to pick up my refills. 

CP: Good. They are phreshly prepared. 

WAIT, WHAT: I know. I got your text. 

CP: Ah. COD. 

WAIT, WHAT: What?

CP: Comes On Demand.Your wife must be a happy woman. 

WAIT, WHAT: Huh? 

CP: Here's your bag. Have a nice day. 

<2 hours later>

UT: Hey. Wasn't WAIT, WHAT just in here? 

CP: Yeah. Why?

UT: He just called in two more refills. 

CP: Guess he shouldn't've come so quickly. 

<Next Day>

WAIT, WHAT: I'm here to pick up my prescriptions. 

CP: He's come again!

WAIT, WHAT: Yeah. I got your text. I've been here every day this week. Why can't you get my stuff together?

CP: You realise that, just because you get a text, you do not HAVE to come down here. 

CPP: <whispers in the background> mom! come down here

CP: <whispers - Shhhhuuuuut uuup> Just as you possess the ability to NOT answer your phone when it rings at my counter, you could just wait until, oh, I don't know, you call in all of your prescriptions to be refilled. That would be like having each member of your phamily ordering DoorDash phrom the same restaurant 11 minutes apart. Why? Place a phamily order on the app and receive all your phood together. Easy-Peasy.

<2 hours later, no shit>

UT: Wasn't WAIT, WHAT just in here complaining about always coming down here?

CP: Yes. Did he call in more refills?

UT: Yeah. Must be trying avoid the missus. 

CP: Or he has PGAD. 

UT: "And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody comes and comes again"

CP: Nice once, UT. 

UT: Need to keep up with you. 

Notice

CPP: What is today's word-of-the-day?

CP: Notice. It is a verb that means "become aware of" according to lexico.com. 

CPP: How did you select today's word?

CP: I heard it in a recent conversation. 

CPP: Please share with the class. 

CP: Welcome to CP's Cosmic Pastilles. How may I help you?

Non-Observant Lady Opining: I noticed I didn't get a call for my husband's Eliquis refill. He missed his dose today because of you. 

CP: You don't say. You noticed we didn't call but you didn't notice his bottle was getting emptier and emptier with each dose you did give him. How selectively observant. Curiouser and Curiouser as my phriend A Little Interesting Clever Explainer was oft heard to quote. 

NO LO: Well?

CP: Water!

NO LO: What?

CP: Second Base! I'm good at these. Keep them coming. 

NO LO: No. Why didn't we receive a call? He missed a dose. 

CP: Phunny you should say that. We last filled his prescription for a 90 days supply 99 days ago. I'm not saying he missed other doses, it is within the realm of (unlikely) possibility that you had a dose or two . . . or 9, extra but. . . he's missed more than A dose in the last 3 months. We also would've filled this about 2 weeks early which means you likely missed the window of opportunity within which to retrieve his refill. I can get it ready now if you like. There's still time to make up the missing dose you forgot to give him. 

NO LO: I also noticed that I didn't get a call for my HCTZ. 

CP: You are on a roll this morning. Have you thought of joining your local ornithologist organization? Obviously observation is obligatory and your penchant for noticing things could really help in the field. 

NO LO: No. It just comes natural. 

CP: Selectively natural. And you would not receive a call phor your medication. 

NO LO: Why not? I'm almost out!

CP: Well the system attempts to fill prescriptions when they are 80% complete. You received a 90 days supply 138 days ago. Not only did you miss your window for my computer to refill it for you, you are 50% of the way into the next, missing refill. You're either Pharmer Jesus feeding thousands of people on 5 loaves and a couple fish, or you're woefully noncompliant. Either way, I can't help you. I can refill it today though.

NO LO: Phine. 

CPP: Ever notice how patients only notice what they want to notice? 

CP: You mean when it's convenient for them to complain about their lack of observance because they just noticed it's a issue? 

CPP: Precisely. 

CP: It still amazes how few people get stranded on the side of the road after running out of gas. 

CPP: Yeah. They can ignore all our phone calls and texts and smoke signals and semaphores but get them in a car with warning lights and they now stop for gas. 

CP: Well running out of gas is embarrassing; running out of your medication means you can project your insecurities and lack of planning on another person to feel better about yourself. 

CPP: 'Murica. 

CP: #HowDoYouNotNoticeTheBottleIsGettingEmptier

And Scene. . .

<Our story opens on a nondescript pharmacy in a nondescript town on a nondescript corner shortly after dawn (okay, like 8:47, close enough) on a Saturday. We are standing behind the main character, a pharmacist, peering over her shoulder as she unlocks the door and disarms the alarm>

CP: <inner monologue> Today is going to be a great day. I can pheel it!

Narrator: It was NOT going to be a great day. 

CP: I'm going to start my computers and get everything ready to start my morning. I got up early and arrived to work earlier than normal; I got donuts even. 

<looks out of gate and sees a gentleman sitting on the waiting bench>

CP: <inner monologue> Going to be a good day. 

<Rolls up gates>

CP: Greetings and Salutations! Are you picking up today?

Gonna Ruin Everyone's Morning Like It's Nothing: No. 

CP: Well, you're at pick up so. . . Are you dropping off?

GREMLIN: No. 

CP: Ok. Question?

GREMLIN: No. 

CP: Ok. Well I'm about out of guesses as to why you are at my counter then. 

GREMLIN: I need my second booster. 

CP: Ok. We do those by appointment only, during the week. 

GREMLIN: I'm leaving town Thursday.

CP: Nice. Have a dandy time

GREMLIN:I need my booster. 

CP: Not really though. But you can return Monday and schedule a shot for then. 

GREMLIN: Well I need this Rx filled too then. 

CP: Ok. Viagra. It'll be about 20 minutes. 

GREMLIN: WHAT?! Twenty Minutes? Twenty Minutes!

CP: Yes. Repeat it back to me so you understand. Well done. 20 minutes is correct. 

GREMLIN: Why?

CP: Well, as you clearly witnessed, I arrived; I started my computers; I just opened the gate. You walked up to my counter ahead of the two people who are now behind you. As soon as the gate lifted, my phone started ringing. I am also flying solo today so, yeah, 20 minutes is a phairly solid estimate. 

GREMLIN: "I can't wait another 20 minutes. We've already waited 20 minutes!"

CP: Sorry. What? 

GREMLIN: We've already been here 20 minutes. 

CP: Aww, you're so cute. You do realise that you can't count wait times outside of our hours of operation. 

GREMLIN: Huh?

CP: Waiting times before we open DON'T. COUNT! I walked out last night at 7pm. I passed a gentleman walking into the store with an Rx in his hand. If he were standing here, right now, and I told him "20 minutes", he would not be able to ask, with sincere incredulity, "Why so long? I've been waiting over 10 hours already!". So knock it off, sit back down, and wait your 20 minutes. 

GREMLIN: I can't wait. Give me back my script. 

<10 minutes later>

GREMLIN: I'll just leave this here and come back when I get my shot Monday. 

CP: Okay. It'll be here Tuesday. 

GREMLIN: What? Why? 

CP: I have to order it. And now that I know you aren't leaving until Thursday, you can have a little patience too. You need to learn how to be patient. 

GREMLIN:This is ridiculous!

CP: I've been waiting phor 2 years phor The Sandman to come out, ever since it was announced. Netflix just said I have to wait until, August; 9 more weeks. I don't think that's phair. See you Wednesday. Next!

Going On A Trip

ME: We're going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship. . . 

MICE ELF: Zooming through the sky!

CP: Have you stopped by the pharmacy at the last minute to get your medications refilled?

ME: Yes!

CP: Everyone have their role assignments?

MICE ELF: Yes!

CP: Shall we?

ME & MICE ELF: Lettuce!

Gate Agent Trying Everything,  But. . . : Welcome to Delta. Where are you headed today?

M+ME+CP: We are traveling on holiday. 

GATE B: Not what I asked. Tickets?

MMECP: Um. We don't have them. We figured you could look them up. 

GATE B: Look them up? 

MMECP: Yeah. In "The System". We are flying to that one city, in that state with all the vowels in its name? it's kinda big, but not like NY/LA big. No. More like Springfield?

GATE B: Which one? 

MMECP: All of them. Can't you look it up? It's under Pharmacist, Cynical. I've flown with you guys before; I don't understand the problem. 

GATE B: Per federal regulations, you must have your boarding pass. . . 

MMECP: Which you supplied to me and I forgot so since I have a flight to catch and you issued the first ticket, fetch another posthaste. 

GATE B: I cannot do that. Are you even sure this is the correct airline? Date? Time? Are you sure you have a flight today?

MMECP: Duh. I made it on the TWA phone prompt thingy you had me do. 

GATE B: TWA?

MMECP: Uh, yeah! 

GATE B: They went out of business decades ago. This is Delta. And we do online ticketing now. 

MMECP: This is an airline, right? You do have planes that fly, right? Just give me a ticket so I can start my holiday and be done with this. 

GATE B: You don't know where you are. You have no ID. You don't know where you're going; or when. But you're here and want me to fix all of this for you?

MMECP: For free. With upgrades. Since you messed up and "lost" my reservation even though I come here all the time, I need extra nuts for my flight. 

GATE B: Oh, I think your level of nuts is chokingly high.

MMECP: Look, we work retail; pharmacy no less. We know how this works. Our patients have been educating us. All we do is not plan ahead, randomly show up unannounced and unprepared, ask for things to which we are not entitled, complain about things that are actually our responsibility, argue and make scenes from which you, the retailer, will cower and become subservient, then acquiesce by granting our every demand. Now fetch us our flight forthwith!

#IfTheRealWorldWorkedTheWayPeopleBelievePharmacyDoes 

#OurPatientsAreDefinitelyNotLittleEinsteins 

#WhereWeAreIDontKnowWhereWeAre